Powerful Connections

Even though I had a fever, I went out of the door to feel the rain on my skin. It was pouring down. I had no idea where I was going. I decided that I would go in a general direction that was different from the one I chose the day before.

My heart began to race as the rain poured down on me. Such greatness lies in feeling uncertain that I cannot sit still. I had to move. I had to walk. How could I escape my own shadow, were it not for the darkness? I almost felt the urge to run. 

Things are not the way I want them to be, and in such instances I have only 3 choices:

I can accept my situation and embrace it; I can seek to change it, or I can leave it all behind.

The thick raindrops grew stronger, and felt heavier with each stride. All the sudden I felt doubtful like never before. Was it only raindrops, or were there some tears mixed in with them as well?

I have learned that my greatest enemy is pride. My pride, and the pride of other people. Pride is what we pull out when we justify a decision that we have made, even though we have already realized, at some point of consciousness, that the decision is dead wrong. You know what kind of pride I’m talking about here, right?

Thomas Jefferson once said that an injured friend will grow into the bitterest of foes. I have come to the understanding that one of my friends is injured. I have offered what I perceived the best form of remedy. My friend was injured due to my bad judgement. It came to my attention that not was all well, like my friend had told me. I was sad, then angry that my friend would not tell me this directly to my face.

As I thought it through, anger turned to disappointment. Not about my friend’s words, but about the fact that my friend would not even contribute me even the most basic amount of goodness and say things to my face. And then, sadness kicked in once again.

All things happen for a reason. The raindrop told me that as it hit my face.

I do not know what the future will bring, and I cannot live in the past. Worries are all about fear of something that has not yet happened or about something in the past that we cannot change anyway. We need to live in the moment, don’t we? 

These rainy thoughts of mine were sparked by a course of action that hurt another person’s feelings, and I cannot explain how I came up with that choice. The rain couldn’t either.

The term “chivalry” is derived from the French word “cheval” - In English: Horse. And yet, I so desperately want to be a knight in shining armour. How funny is that?

I know that the world I live in is a direct result of the choices I make. I also believe that I am capable of learning through feedback given to me based on these choices, and I believe with all my heart that everyone deserves the chance to prove that they can learn.

But the raindrops didn’t agree with me.

In some relationships, you only get one shot. To some, it’s not an option to provide a second chance. Many of us miss out on a great deal as we seek to protect ourselves from being hurt. I should know - I have lived my life like this for way too long. I have been proud. I have been hurt, and I have inflicted hurt upon others.

In other words: I have lived.

Ironic isn’t it? In life, we choose pain to avoid feeling hurt.

And so, I thought about changing my situation. To be chivalrous.  To proclaim my undying devotion through all sorts of heroic deeds.  My mind came up blank.

The raindrops didn’t help me.

As I stood there, drenched in water, I found myself in a position where I could actually have done something of great valor. And so, I chose to do the most chivalrous deed I could think of. I felt proud as I helped an old lady cross the street in the rain, before fighting my way back home.

“The motto of chivalry is also the motto of wisdom; to serve all, but love only one.”

- Honore de Balzac

You are about to read something that, when you let it, will make a difference in your life. I know you might be thinking: ”What makes this guy so special?” - And it’s OK to wonder because it means you will be learning many things from reading this page. And all the things, even all the less important things such as my age – 32 – and other more important stuff… are important in some aspect. That’s right, all information on this page will make sense in due time.

I used to be a pickup artist. I used to believe in an analytical approach towards communication with women. Actually, I used to celebrate my ”wins” by writing field reports about them. Sure, I said to other people that it was all about measuring my development but, in truth, it was really all about bragging. PUA’s at that time (10-6 years ago) respected PUA’s that got laid a lot. 6 years ago I got bored with it all. I stopped thinking about seduction as a hardcore skill you could learn, and began loving the people around me.

At that point in time I experienced personal freedom for the first time in my life. I was 26 years old.

My career was a crazy journey of success and not many people understood me when I quit my job in 2007 to become a coach.

I took some NLP training and began coaching in two directions that are actually 90 % identical: Seduction, and… Sales. Some professional coaches have met me with a frown. How could Seduction coaching be serious!?!? I missed out on 1.000’s of dollars in business coaching due to prejudiced attitudes towards the seduction community. The losses only heightened my motivation to make a difference in the world, and today I’m a very public figure in the Danish media. They call me ”The Dating Coach.” - Some even refer to me as ”the ‘Hitch’ of Denmark.”

But, I am not a pickup artist even though I have 10 years of experience with the pickup artist lifestyle. I am a guy that loves people. And for some reason, a lot of people love me back. Therein lies my personal freedom.

How universally free are you?

I find it ever so interesting to be in the company of people that are experiencing hard times ”because of the financial crisis.” So many people in this world have dreams about what they want to become, about the life they want to build. And none-the-less, most of us do not get there. We need to blame someone or something for where we are today, and what could possibly be better than to point your index finger at something as abstract as the ”financial crisis.”

Or what about guys that are unhappy because they are single for some reason… Have you ever heard the phrase ”If only I had good looks.” - Or maybe you know guys that think their success in hooking up with new women is related to their money or status in general. And since they may not have that yet, they attribute their lack of success to it.

Here’s an interesting conclusion of a research article I read recently: It is possible to observe and break down a conversation of a couple and then with 95 % accuracy, to predict whether or not that couple will break up within a 14 year period. I kid you not! Personally, as an experienced NLP coach and hypnotherapist I was astonished to read about how easy it was to predict that a couple would break up – or not.

Ever since I accidentally stumbled upon websites and email newsgroups related to the Pickup Artist movement 10 years ago, I have grown and evolved with the entailed principles. The PUA beliefs were acknowledged, accepted and adopted, and I set forth on a journey through a new world. The journey was amazing, not only with women.

On top of that my coaching and NLP training have taught me that we are all responsible for each and every result we have achieved in our life. So, if this is true, how can it be possible to predict an outcome of all relationships with a 95 % degree of certainty?

To answer that question, I’d like to invite you to consider the tagline of my NLP trainer, Steve Linder at SRI Coaching:

The world demands results, not excuses – which will you deliver?

The above tagline directly adresses one of our key meta models; being at cause vs. being at the effect. I bring this to your attention now, as I believe that you will be able to increase your personal freedom massively once you consciously understand and address this single meta model on a daily basis.

When we are at the effect, we are coming up with external excuses to explain why we are where we are today. A key tip-off is the word ”because” I.E.

• You make me feel angry because you show up late.
• She makes me feel sad because she laughs at me.

… or it could be something like:

• The financial crisis makes me feel hopeless about my options.

Overall, only 5 % of us are consistantly at cause in our own lives. It seems a lot EASIER for us to blame someone else for our situation than it does to take responsibility for it. I mean, seriously, when was the last time you had a thought like one of the above, only to stop in your tracks and ask yourself:

• How does her showing up late cause you to CHOOSE to feel angry?
• How does her laughing at you cause you to CHOOSE to feel sad?
• How SPECIFICALLY does the financial crisis cause you to CHOOSE to feel hopeless?

Yeah, I know, … it almost seems too simple, right? Well, these questions allow you to recover what choice you made. You become aware that since you had a choice, you could also have chosen something else. All choices about how you feel can be remade when you want to start thinking differently about things. Maybe you want to do it now or in a minute, that’s all up to you. Just as long as you understand that you are in charge of your mind and emotions which, in turn, drive the results you get in life.

As you now understand this concept, you may or may not find yourself asking new questions that will help drive you forward. Questions like: ”How can I choose to feel good about her showing up late?” or ”what other choices do I have that will drive me forward?” - I don’t know what questions you will be coming up with… It’s totally up to you.

The most important choice in my life

The second part of this article is also the concept I base my entire business model on, regardless of the type of coaching I deliver. Once again, let me direct you to Steve Linder, who said it with crystal clarity:

It’s not about making a living, but making a difference.

All in all, I believe I am where I am today because I have gotten up everyday of my life for the past few years with the thought: ”How will I make a positive difference in the world today?”

I do not think about selling – I focus on how I can help my (potential) client achieve his or her desired outcome.

I do not compromise on this focus and to me, the financial crisis never existed. My business actually grew by more than 100 % over the past year. Some say it’s because I’m a great coach. I say I deliver great coaching because I care about making a difference.

The same goes for seduction. Whenever I meet a woman that I engage in a conversation with, I focus on how I can make a positive impact; a positive difference in her life. If I witness something that would have made me nervous or sad in the old days, I simply ask myself one simple question:

Which external event sparked this response from the other person?

In fact, this is the answer to how it is possible to predict the outcome of long-term relationships. From the second we meet our partner, we form patterns that we base our relationship on. Patterns that can be destructive or constructive. Patterns that can make or break our shared world in the long run. We are not necessarily aware of the patterns themselves but we do see the symptoms of them. And that’s when we choose to be at the effect of the symptoms. We solve one symptom, then another comes to our attention. We solve that one, only to find yet another one. It’s like trying to keep your computer clear of viruses when maybe you should be looking at which of the sites you are browsing that may put you at risk, right?

So here’s my take on what you can choose to do instead

I remember that I choose to make a positive impact on other people. I remember that life is full of surprises and yet, no matter what, the sun will always come up in the East the following morning. All people are worthy of your respect, even if they perform shitty actions. It’s never personal. It’s always about your actions. You can change your actions and, as you focus on making a difference, your actions will be directed towards exactly that.

These are the universal truths that define my manifesto. Maybe you’re the curious type. If so, you’re welcome to try this mindset on for a while. Some other, very successful people I know have done exactly that – and they won’t give it back!

Here’s to you making a difference in your life with every breath,

Anders

It was time for the second episode of Danish TV show “Singleliv” (a show that follows the life of select singles) featuring Anders Tryka the Dating Coach. I sat myself down in a sofa with extremely good company by my side, eagerly anticipating this episode, framed by the production company as: “Anders and the guys go out to pick up some girls but not everything goes according to plan.”

Sure, over the course of this particular episode you see me engaged in conversation with 2 (two) people outside of my circle of friends. Sure, you see me NOT hooking these, and sure… one could frame that as “failure.” Be that as it may, for you to fully comprehend why I was appalled with the framing of the cut material, I need to explain some of the stuff that went on behind the camera. In hindsight, it’s hilarious!

First of all, this episode was part two of a full night in the company of good friends, that was supposed to be a poker night followed by a night out on the town.

Second, the agenda for the night was to have fun - I never go out to pick up chicks, it just happens when I have fun. In fact, the only person with an agenda of me intentionally picking up chicks was the TV journalist. And her big mistake - out of several that night - was to not share that agenda with me until I had gotten so fed up with her attempt to manipulate me that I almost blew up in her face and told the camera crew to piss off.

The Star vs. The Newcomer

In case you were wondering what it’s like to run around with a camera with flashing lights right behind your face, it’s hardcore as hell! No, Anders Tryka the Dating Coach featured on “Singleliv” did not get laid on camera this time around. In fact, the episode is very, very thin in terms of social interaction.

Compared to the “star” of the TV show - a guy that calls himself Sidney Lee; purposely framed as a total dickhead that everyone loves to hate - I was as exciting as getting home from a nightclub with a girl that has a penis. For crying out loud, in that very same episode the guy goes on a date with a girl, and the most interesting thing he can think of is to introduce her to three of his ex girlfriends… at the same time… because he is sitting with them as his new date arrives. INTENTIONALLY (!!!!!!!!!)

Yes! Sidney Lee is so far away from the real world that he is a GENIOUS! And, to top it off, this genious whips out an article from gossip magazine #1 in which they have an article about how he once upon a time used to date a stripper. Let me repeat my last remark: Sidney Lee is a GENIOUS!

Oh, and by the way, if you think girls with penises are exciting: Get your head examined!

The Plan vs. The Hidden Manuscript

The plan of the evening was to hook up at my place at 8 and then play poker until midnight. After that we would go out to one of our favorite bars and hang out - that’s what we do! However, the TV journalist from “Singleliv” had other plans… “Anders, we have to finish shooting by midnight, because I need to travel a long distance tomorrow morning.”

This meant that our poker evening SUCKED, because we HAD to be done by 9, so we could be at a bar at 9:30! Also, I had to buy PIZZA’s for the guys all the sudden, because they had to show up so early, and because of the hectic re-planning followed by eating we couldn’t focus on the poker game. And, since I had chosen the bar out of knowledge of what happens at around midnight, it in turn meant that we showed up way too early at a place that had less than 15 guests, including our group of 6 people! (If you watch the episode, you will not get this idea, since they have very intelligently edited the footage in such a way that you only see takes of the people at the bar from the last 30 minutes before midnight. )

Of course, there’s also the whole hidden agenda thing. She really applied her finest attempts to “move” (manipulate) me into taking action and approaching without the slightest respect for me or my values. At some point during her attempts I remember thinking: “They couldn’t care less about who I am. All they want from me is a new Sidney Lee, and nobody will ever again take me seriously if I compromise my core values to satisfy their needs.”

Our BIIIG Night Out

We had fun, most of the time. Were it not for the pesty little journalist that first tried to push me into approaching three apparent minors. Of course, since this move would be so far out of character for me, much to her disappointment, I declined her constant attempts to make me dance like a monkey. (If you’re a PUA, you’ll enjoy that reference!)

As the minutes passed, the impatience of the journalist kept growing: “Something needs to happen. We can’t just show you having fun with the guys. Approach some people.” I looked at her and said: “Who the FUCK do you expect me to approach!?!? I TOLD YOU this place would SUCK this time of night if your intention is to film me picking up women. No WAY you will get me to approach minors or those old farts.”

The evening went on, a few more people arrived. One of my friends walked up to a pretty girl by the bar and what ensued would be the theme of the evening: After talking with this girl for less than TEN seconds (where her face had lit up, my friend is a master at seducing women…) the camera crew were LITTERALLY in her FACE across the friggin’ BAR COUNTER!!! She, of course, saw the camera - and RAN off to sit with her friends! My friend was furious, and asked me to “tell those fucking socially incompetent idiots to get the fuck off of his radar” or he would begin to be less than pleasant towards them.

My frustration was growing. I wanted to show the social side of me but, not by sacrificing my ideals about who and why I approach. On top of that, I had to deal with Miss Hidden Agenda from Hell, who had now moved on in attempt to influence me indirectly through my friends. One of them came up to me and told me that I needed to step up to get my rep up because “she was starting to think I had trouble performing in front of the camera.” I covered my microphone (the camera crew could hear everything I said whenever I didn’t do that) and replied: “This is not about performing for the camera, it’s about having fun. It’s not about MY performance, it’s about their incompetence.”

But in reality, it wasn’t. It was about us not being used to talking to other people with a camera (including night lighting) less than 2 feet from our faces in every interaction. I know the camera crew had been in similar situations before, … but… not with PUA’s that rely on stealth and seeming anonymous. At this point in time ONE semi good-looking girl had planted her feet at that place, and by now I was so fed up with the journalist that my only thoughts were “maybe!” - And then, little miss congeniality had the balls to accuse my friends of trying to intentionally obstruct her “documentation” of life… “Every time we film them (your friends) with girls they turn away. Work with them!” ……….. aaaaaaand that’s when, at the point of realizing that her agenda was not to portray ME but instead to frame me as a pure 80-approaches-per-night PUA, my  “maybe” turned into “hell no woman!”

Desperate to get a “money shot” before leaving, the TV journalist asked me to open a group of cute girls just before midnight… The place is getting packed… And now I put the hammer to the nail: “You mean that little red-head over there..? I don’t know if you can recall that you and your camera team actually caused her to RUN away from an interesting conversation with my friend. I won’t be the one to embarass either her or me on national television by putting her in that situation again.” She responds by wheeling her way over to the group of girls to “soften them up” - they’re actually trained to do that… and she returns, saying: “You’re right. They don’t mind being in the background but they do not wish to be in our show.” (Geeeeee, REALLY?!?!?)

Epilogue

I learned something extremely important that evening. About who I am and how I act under pressure. And above all, I am strengthened in my understanding of the importance of staying true to your core values. In all fairness to the production company: In spite of their desires to frame me as a womanizer and ONLY as a dating coach (both against my wishes by the way), I actually feel good about the way I am portrayed on “Singleliv” so far.

The guys and I moved on to new locations after the camera crew had left us - and I did meet a few cute girls that night. None of them had penises… Although one of them was hanging out with an ex-boyfriend. Too bad his name wasn’t Sidney Lee.