Powerful Connections

A reader asked me why the field reports on this site generally end without me closing the deal 100 % - there has been one exception in a field report was written by Martin one of our coaches at Powerful Attraction.

Actually, NOT posting about SNL’s (same night lays) ONS’s (one night stands) and STR’s (short-term relationships) has been a conscious choice of mine for quite some time. The reason behind the choice is quite simple - it relates to some of my key priciples in being a pickup coach.

When writing up field reports, I have two main concerns; one is PUA driven, the other is moral and motivation driven. The PUA driven side is mainly an expression of my desire to post-analyze what went down and to share my learning with you. And then again, there is a deeper meaning to it:

The good pickup artist (PUA) knows that in escalating a relationship with any woman to the point of a relationship (in PUA terms everything before the point of intercourse is defined as no relationship), he will often have to walk the woman through her anti slut defense (ASD). Good PUA’s know that women love sex and one of the key elements standing between you and sex is your ability to convey to the woman that sleeping with you will not imply her being a slut; cheap, or easy if you will. So, for sex to happen, among other things you have to provide her a way to not seem like a slut, simple as that.

What is ASD? 

Women will build guilt by having sex too quickly with a man, which is something that society would often call “slutty behavior.” Assuming she has enough time to think about the consequences - ASD is a reaction causing her to come up with reasons that she shouldn’t have sex with you in order to relieve her of taking responsibility for doing what she really wants to do. If left undealt with, the ASD will lead to last minute resistance (LMR) in bed, which in turn leads to no sex or, later on, to a girl flaking on you by suddenly being unable to meet (with little or no warning), or not taking your calls. 

How to deal with ASD

Handling the ASD response is one of the most central issues for a PUA. ASD is the reason we isolate her from the pack before escalating. ASD is the reason we do verbal take-aways after delivering our statement of (sexual) intent. If you ask me, ASD is the driving mechanism behind 70 % of the accumulated PUA material out there today. That’s how important this topic is.

What you really need to do to deal with the ASD is create a sense of certainty in her mind. At some point during the interaction your conversation will inevitably turn to sex and at that point she needs to know that you are experienced, yet not the bragging type. In other words, she needs to know that you know and can provide what she wants and you don’t kiss and tell. 

Heck, I once knew a girl that would only have sex with married men because: “Who the hell are they going to tell without risking a divorce!”

In this day and age, everybody reads everything on the internet - hell, my mom is probably reading this blog post, too! (hi mom!). I’m pretty sure that many of the girls I date read these blog posts, and I do not want to expose any of them. (Oh, if you thought we were exclusive: you never got that idea from me!) 

So, back to the “how” in this: Provide a safety net for the girl by isolating her from her friends. At some point, stress that you understand her for not showing who she REALLY wants to be around men when her friends are close by. Whenever she backs down in escalation, I strongly suggest that you acknowledge her socially driven response with words like “You are right, we shouldn’t be doing this…”  and then ASSUME FULL RESPONSIBILTY by saying stuff like: “you’re just too damn hot, I can’t help it…” True masters proceed with a true talent for acting it out, … “But no.. you’re right… so, as I was saying…” and then talk as if nothing had happened while escalating non-verbally. 

No-sex FR’s from a moral perspective

In terms of motivation and learning I have always found stories with unhappy endings to be the ones that inspired me the most. Sure, I’ve written many lay reports earlier in my life, all high on the adrenaline that can only be achieved through the feeling of having accomplished a desired outcome. Actually, I’m writing a (free) e-book with some of the best stories from my PUA life, most of these end up in a “relationship.”

I’ll tell you more about that project when the time comes - for now, let me get to the second point of the subject at hand:

Ever since the seduction community exploded in active participants and curious followers we have seen a similar growth in focus on externally validated results. 2007 and most of 2008 was all about who could hook up with most girls in a year; who was fastest from approach to sex, who could do the fastest makeout after initial eye-contact. I’m not judging anyone. In fact, I used to live that very same way. What dawned on me along the way was: Living your life as a slave of external validation has nothing to do with giving value to the girls you meet. It has absolutely nothing to do with achieving personal growth. 

I believe that we learn faster by analyzing how things didn’t play out as planned, and I believe that there is no real achievement in boasting about successful external results. This blog is all about conveying the importance of being congruent with your core traits and sticking to your inner values, while at the same time respecting women and adding value to their lives. 

I hope you can read the above moral standpoint between the lines of all present and future field reports found on this blog.

You are more than welcome to leave a comment or share this article using the share button below before you go out there and choose to make this day a great one!

Some time ago I was out with Martin. His energy-level goes through the roof, his eyes sparkle like those of a little kid that has just gotten his first bike. I wouldn’t say that Martin’s behavior could be sorted in the Dominant Alpha category but it’s close.

As for our approach to being social Martin and I are pretty different. I am much more low-key and leaned back, where he is actively approaching with a high energy - I feel the base of our mindset is the same though, which is probably why I enjoy being out with him: We’re both fun-loving and all smiles and good energy - one of my favorite things to do with Martin to draw attention to us without approaching by playing hacky-sack near the dance-floor. With an imaginary hacky-sack of course… And this day was no different.

We enter the first place, and our heads are bopping to the beats, hands in the air, jolly attitude. Drinks at the bar and we keep dancing around as goofy little chipmonks. Some girls we met outside the place provide a bit of social proof. We do a quick assessment of the venue and become aware that we are drawing massive approach invitations from several sections of the room.

Martin is everywhere - I just relax and hang back and stick to casually chatting up people outside, … which is where the guests go to smoke cigarettes.

We hang out for some time and notice that the crowd is thinning out. I feel like dancing rather than picking up women so we go to a night club. Martin has gotten a bit drunk and I am feeling completely sober. That’s kind of funny since I order beer and water every time I’m at the bar and the water is not for me…

It’s a great club with several bars, a major dance-floor, several lounge sections and a vast variety of beautiful girls. During the next hour we approach and engage several women and share many great learning experiences before drifting apart each to his own.

It’s getting late and I decide to head to one of the bars and relax and get some deeper action going. I spot a group of 6 girls that represent an opportunity and gesture to them to move apart so I can get to the bar counter and order something. As I wait for the bartender I have ample time to assess what is going on and I find myself amused by the fact that two of the girls are evaluating which guys they want their pretty dark-haired friend, standing to my left, to take home with her. 2 guys to my right are completely unaware of the situation, not grasping that they are being measured an weighed: “He looks cute. I like his clothes. Did you see his smile? Perfect height for her…” and so on.

Girls… talk about objectifying people…

I casually lean back against the bar and gaze towards the dance-floor, waiting for the opportune moment, observing the dark-haired girl with my peripheral vision. I match posture, gestures and breathing, that’s it.

I know the girls have already measured me - my clothing style is not in their tastes, my appearance, my energy, my smile is intentionally switched off. At one point they raise their glasses to say cheers right in front of me and we completely - and consciously - ignore each other’s existence. They have stamped me as a “social loser,” which, for some odd reason, is exactly what I want. I sense a de-ja-vu popping up in my head, … I want to choose, not to be chosen, and especially not by a girl’s friends! The dark-haired girl gives me an approach invitation by saying cheers to me a few seconds out of sync with saying cheers to her friends. I smile, lift my beer, drink, turn away. “Not yet. Stay cool,” are the sentenses running through my head as I keep my focus on the people dancing.

Her friends are suggesting that the girl with the dark hair makes a move on one of the guys to my right. She frowns, then re-checks if the suggested guy will do, a short smile, and then another frown as if to say “come on girls, you know my standards are higher than that.” For a split-second, just one tiny fraction of a moment, her eyes start to search for my reaction to something, anything. It’s the second time she does that and in my experience that’s the perfect time to make the move.

Her head turns away and I instantly tap her on the shoulder: “You guys are funny… just sizing people up in a split-second without paying attention to what’s really important. How did you choose that he is not attractive to you?”

“Well…” she replies and stops to smile. I follow through: “Do you always have your friends select what guys you should go talk with, or is this just a very special day?”

We talk casually about how superficial the nightlife can get and she makes a comment that I seem nice as she leans in a lot. I keep my posture and smile. She smiles repeatedly, there is no doubt in my mind that the attraction level is pretty high and she now asks me what my name is. I decide I want to find out if she’s a cool person and begin qualifying her.

“I’ll tell you in a second! You know, you seem like a very nice and hiiiighly independant girl, … which is something that really catches my attention. Who are you?”

The girl responds by opening up her body language even more, and tells me her name, age and what she does for a living. “Great, so now I know your specifications, … but, what I really asked was not WHAT you are, but WHO you are, … so, WHO are you?” Her smile turns into something else as she goes inside for a second. She asks what I mean by that and I tell her that I want to know the person behind the outer shell. Knowing what she does for a living doesn’t really say all that much about what she enjoys in life. She catches on and starts talking about what she does in her spare time, and then she asks me who I am. 

“I like to do this and that, get up in the morning vs. getting home in the afternoon, and I’m no pro at it but I love to dance.” Finishing on that note is not random - I want to get her away from her friends - and she picks up on it. “We are going dancing later,” she says. I smile and draw her in by pulling her lower arm towards me. “Sure, I’d love to. As soon as I’ve finished my beer.”

Less than 60 seconds pass by and she tells me to come with her, before taking my hand and heading towards the dance-floor. She’s persistant. I bring my beer. Dancing quickly turns into talking and just holding intense eye-contact and arms around the waist. Neither of us are interested in the music. The situation escalates to the point just before the kiss, and then I break it off and drag her back to the bar. I love to build suspense, and I want to know more about her before deciding what to do. 

I give her a hug and tell her I need to attend to my friend and she tells me not to leave the place without coming back… Well, actually she is commanding me to stay, and I promise to come back.

I give it 10 minutes and then head back to the group. She is talking to one of the guys that her friends had qualified so I decide to ignore her and open one of her friends with some casual and fun-loving conversation. The friend is quick to screen me with “what do you do for a living?” and I casually respond that I love my job and we talk fluff. It’s a nice and cool conversation - and after very short time she starts to show signals of attraction. The girl from before is looking towards me now and then, and I smile at her for a second before continuing the talk with her friend. 

The guy she is talking with is turning up the heat, and I decide to distance myself just a little bit from the girl I am with - and my dark-haired friend picks up the glove. She walks over and I greet her with a hug, our eyes lock in. “You’re a great guy, you’re coming back to our place tonight.” I take her hand and smile and after playing hard to get for a second or thirty I tell her that I think she’s “nice, … and that means .. yeah… sure. But we need to sleep.” 

The place is closing now. I am still getting a bit of resistance from one of the friends, so I give her some attention as we’re heading outside. I grab my girl around the waist and let go once we’re in the street. As the girls are trying to get a cab to stop, the most resistant friend now cracks… “Come on… we can fit 4 in a taxi, you’re coming with us.”

We get back to their place, I stop the girl on the stairs and we make out.

Now all the sudden my conscience comes into play. For one thing, I’m pretty close to being 100 % clear in the head and it’s absolutely obvious to me that she is not. We get to bed and everything is buzzing inside my head. “Is this really who I am? Is this how I want to show up for other people? How will I feel tomorrow if I go through with this? What if I don’t go through with this?”

I feel really tempted to just give in, … and then I make a choice to NOT follow through. She tries repeatedly and I break off the kiss, then she stops. Once more, she goes in for the kiss, I break it off, she stops. With a soft smile I tell her everything is OK and that she needs to sleep and then I tuck her in. I’m not sure who sleeps first. 

Maybe I’ve gone soft, maybe I just lost my killer gene, … in the situation, I didn’t know how I chose not to give in to the temptation of having casual sex with a woman that wanted nothing else from me.

I looked at her in the morning and smiled as I got dressed to leave. She said she was sorry that she got so drunk and that nothing happened, … as if it was her fault, a lot of stuff was not going right in her life. That’s when it hit me with a flash - I realized what had kept me from escalating the situation as we got into bed.

“It’s ok,” I said. “Everything is cool, … you’re a great person.”

Had I written this post 6 years ago, I would have been cursing myself with every word. However, as I walked home, I felt great in knowing that I am no longer a pickup artist. I am much more than that. I am a free man.

Here’s a good fuckup report for you.

Last weekend was a very long one, and i will restrict this field report to the absolute fuckup of the evening. After all, if I didn’t focus on the learning, it wouldn’t be a real field report now, would it? But first, the pre-script:

In the afternoon we had a PowerTALK! with about 30 participants and, even though I felt a bit tired, I pulled myself together and delivered a great speech to the guys - and girl. Martin a.k.a. HappyTalk and I both felt tired afterwards so we went to his place and powernapped (well, we tried to anyway) before going out.

After having been at a private party with mostly guys, we hit the bars. I still felt tired, and it took me some time working with my focus before I was ready to engage in conversation with unknown people. The first venue was mainly about the mojito and some shop talk. Martin grew increasingly impatient; he wanted to meet people, and he kept bugging me: “how does this shop talk really help us right now? how do you choose to be out of balance in terms of pickup right now?” and so on. I decided to get my head in gear as we headed for the next place. So what if I’m physically exhausted - the tongue still works.

We sat ourselves down at a table in the next place, and I noticed a cute girl: “STOP!” - I waved her over with my finger. Hop hop hop and she stood there. A quick compliment, she smiled and gave me a hug, and I told her I might look her up later. The PUA had arrived… Not too many people around, so we decided to find some place else.

Visiting the local gay bar for 1½ hour or so, me freaking Martin out every time I grabbed his ass (hahahaha) as he was getting a round of drinks. Did a few casual sets together, before we decided to head back to the other place. As we were getting our jackets, two girls asked us for directions to the place we were headed for. I chatted them up, and walked with them - Martin and our friend from Finland walking 10 paces ahead of us.

I liked one of these girls. Intelligent, pretty, fun-loving. We vibed on our way to the destination of choice, and when we got there we stood outside for a moment and had fun. We all went inside and we let them go somewhere and sit on their own. No need to be clingy.

After circling the place we split up and talked with different people. At some point I notice the girl from before sitting alone, big leather couch, and hey… Eye contact, I sit with her, we re-engage in whatever conversation we had going outside. Martin spots me as her friend is going back, there are no open places to sit, so he engages the friend for a minute, and sits her down at a different table.

My first thought was: “Thank you, very considerate of you.”

At this very second she has asked me “what do you do for a living?” and I respond: “I help people realize and achieve their full potential…”  “-Oh, you’re a coach?” she said, and we start talking about how great it is to help people. Now, I have nothing to hide from women, so when she asked me “what kind of coaching do you do?” I responded: “All kinds of stuff… Sales, management, personal leadership, pickup…”

So, to my amazement she says: “Oh, really? I’ve read “The Game,” is that what you do?” … and we now start talking about the whole seduction society. Turns out that this girl checks in with the local Danish forum and generally feels that the guys she read about are shallow and, well, assholes, with no respect for women whatsoever. I declare myself in agreement for a big part of the community and make it a point to tell her that I am not one to judge all people, just beause some are dickheads. She’s not stupid this girl, and she makes a comment that she knows what we’re doing right now, she noticed Martin was “winging” the SECOND he stepped in to draw attention away from our little twosome. My thought from before now reframed a bit…

Up until this point I feel great about the whole thing. She understands me, I understand her, and we weave in between different topics, like travel, girls taking a piss standing up, dreams for the future, and lots more. She comments on the physical touches once: “I know you are using KINO now, …” as she smiles. Cool girl. I keep doing what I am doing.

At some point she comments on the logs on the Danish forum, and this is my one key learning experience. She tells me that she is apalled with some of the logbooks. Being in the whole “defend the good guys” mindset as opposed to “game the girl” mindset I mis-step massively.

“You know, I too keep track of my own personal development in a log on the Danish forum, and you haven’t seen it, because it’s hidden from public view.” What a stupid, STUPID remark?!? Mid-sentence I see massive calibration shifts. Trust all gone. Interest, attraction: SURE. But the trust went “poof!” into thin air. Even though I have preframed the whole situation with the presupposition that I am a good guy - because if I was not, she would have figured it all out by now, right? No trust.

I really sympathize with the clients I have that initially fear telling women about “game,” … In my mind I’m experienceing flashbacks to the time I told my last girlfriend about the community and showed her some websites. The frowning, the arrogance, the female display of absolute disgust of guys dropping to the lowest possible level of life to get laid (the ex said that).

Verbal takeaway, a little push/pull vibing, I notice another calibration shift for the better - before goofing a little again. As part of ”not gaming” I actually found myself defending “my community,” by telling something odd / off about myself. This one is really stupid, when you look at context: “I’ve been in a long-term relationship until recently. Our house is for sale. I really need to move out, so I feel mentally out of the relationship” (oh my GOD, you fucking PUSSY!)…

Well, no worries, I don’t see any major change in behavior, other than the fact that she completely freezes every motion in her body for a split second, and then smiles… we vibe some more. I decide to eject on a good note and be social for a while. After all, we’ve talked for 30 minutes or more. Walking away, I beat myself up for bringing up the log. After all, I haven’t posted a field report in it for years, it’s irrelevant communication at that point… I fell right into that one. BRAINSWIPE. I now talk with some guys near my Finnish friend, and some other people around the bar.

After some minutes I see the girls getting dressed, so I excuse myself and head back to her. “You’re leaving? I had a great time with you, let’s meet again some time and have shitloads of fun together!” I hand her my phone. She takes forever with my phone and hands it back to me. She wrote in her name including some pretty positive adjectives.

I generally consider myself a very trusting person, and I am most certainly not accustomed to getting false phone numbers, so I never do a spot-test, like calling her immediately or having her tell me her number backwards. This will not change, ever. I will much rather call the wrong number and have a great time with THAT person, if I fail to verify the owner using the internet.

Sunday afternoon. I’m home after a 2½-hour drive. I look up the number, and it turns up with a very… VERY different name. I am not surprised, even though it is my first fake number in many, many, many interactions. Her loss.