Powerful Connections

It was time for the second episode of Danish TV show “Singleliv” (a show that follows the life of select singles) featuring Anders Tryka the Dating Coach. I sat myself down in a sofa with extremely good company by my side, eagerly anticipating this episode, framed by the production company as: “Anders and the guys go out to pick up some girls but not everything goes according to plan.”

Sure, over the course of this particular episode you see me engaged in conversation with 2 (two) people outside of my circle of friends. Sure, you see me NOT hooking these, and sure… one could frame that as “failure.” Be that as it may, for you to fully comprehend why I was appalled with the framing of the cut material, I need to explain some of the stuff that went on behind the camera. In hindsight, it’s hilarious!

First of all, this episode was part two of a full night in the company of good friends, that was supposed to be a poker night followed by a night out on the town.

Second, the agenda for the night was to have fun - I never go out to pick up chicks, it just happens when I have fun. In fact, the only person with an agenda of me intentionally picking up chicks was the TV journalist. And her big mistake - out of several that night - was to not share that agenda with me until I had gotten so fed up with her attempt to manipulate me that I almost blew up in her face and told the camera crew to piss off.

The Star vs. The Newcomer

In case you were wondering what it’s like to run around with a camera with flashing lights right behind your face, it’s hardcore as hell! No, Anders Tryka the Dating Coach featured on “Singleliv” did not get laid on camera this time around. In fact, the episode is very, very thin in terms of social interaction.

Compared to the “star” of the TV show - a guy that calls himself Sidney Lee; purposely framed as a total dickhead that everyone loves to hate - I was as exciting as getting home from a nightclub with a girl that has a penis. For crying out loud, in that very same episode the guy goes on a date with a girl, and the most interesting thing he can think of is to introduce her to three of his ex girlfriends… at the same time… because he is sitting with them as his new date arrives. INTENTIONALLY (!!!!!!!!!)

Yes! Sidney Lee is so far away from the real world that he is a GENIOUS! And, to top it off, this genious whips out an article from gossip magazine #1 in which they have an article about how he once upon a time used to date a stripper. Let me repeat my last remark: Sidney Lee is a GENIOUS!

Oh, and by the way, if you think girls with penises are exciting: Get your head examined!

The Plan vs. The Hidden Manuscript

The plan of the evening was to hook up at my place at 8 and then play poker until midnight. After that we would go out to one of our favorite bars and hang out - that’s what we do! However, the TV journalist from “Singleliv” had other plans… “Anders, we have to finish shooting by midnight, because I need to travel a long distance tomorrow morning.”

This meant that our poker evening SUCKED, because we HAD to be done by 9, so we could be at a bar at 9:30! Also, I had to buy PIZZA’s for the guys all the sudden, because they had to show up so early, and because of the hectic re-planning followed by eating we couldn’t focus on the poker game. And, since I had chosen the bar out of knowledge of what happens at around midnight, it in turn meant that we showed up way too early at a place that had less than 15 guests, including our group of 6 people! (If you watch the episode, you will not get this idea, since they have very intelligently edited the footage in such a way that you only see takes of the people at the bar from the last 30 minutes before midnight. )

Of course, there’s also the whole hidden agenda thing. She really applied her finest attempts to “move” (manipulate) me into taking action and approaching without the slightest respect for me or my values. At some point during her attempts I remember thinking: “They couldn’t care less about who I am. All they want from me is a new Sidney Lee, and nobody will ever again take me seriously if I compromise my core values to satisfy their needs.”

Our BIIIG Night Out

We had fun, most of the time. Were it not for the pesty little journalist that first tried to push me into approaching three apparent minors. Of course, since this move would be so far out of character for me, much to her disappointment, I declined her constant attempts to make me dance like a monkey. (If you’re a PUA, you’ll enjoy that reference!)

As the minutes passed, the impatience of the journalist kept growing: “Something needs to happen. We can’t just show you having fun with the guys. Approach some people.” I looked at her and said: “Who the FUCK do you expect me to approach!?!? I TOLD YOU this place would SUCK this time of night if your intention is to film me picking up women. No WAY you will get me to approach minors or those old farts.”

The evening went on, a few more people arrived. One of my friends walked up to a pretty girl by the bar and what ensued would be the theme of the evening: After talking with this girl for less than TEN seconds (where her face had lit up, my friend is a master at seducing women…) the camera crew were LITTERALLY in her FACE across the friggin’ BAR COUNTER!!! She, of course, saw the camera - and RAN off to sit with her friends! My friend was furious, and asked me to “tell those fucking socially incompetent idiots to get the fuck off of his radar” or he would begin to be less than pleasant towards them.

My frustration was growing. I wanted to show the social side of me but, not by sacrificing my ideals about who and why I approach. On top of that, I had to deal with Miss Hidden Agenda from Hell, who had now moved on in attempt to influence me indirectly through my friends. One of them came up to me and told me that I needed to step up to get my rep up because “she was starting to think I had trouble performing in front of the camera.” I covered my microphone (the camera crew could hear everything I said whenever I didn’t do that) and replied: “This is not about performing for the camera, it’s about having fun. It’s not about MY performance, it’s about their incompetence.”

But in reality, it wasn’t. It was about us not being used to talking to other people with a camera (including night lighting) less than 2 feet from our faces in every interaction. I know the camera crew had been in similar situations before, … but… not with PUA’s that rely on stealth and seeming anonymous. At this point in time ONE semi good-looking girl had planted her feet at that place, and by now I was so fed up with the journalist that my only thoughts were “maybe!” - And then, little miss congeniality had the balls to accuse my friends of trying to intentionally obstruct her “documentation” of life… “Every time we film them (your friends) with girls they turn away. Work with them!” ……….. aaaaaaand that’s when, at the point of realizing that her agenda was not to portray ME but instead to frame me as a pure 80-approaches-per-night PUA, my  “maybe” turned into “hell no woman!”

Desperate to get a “money shot” before leaving, the TV journalist asked me to open a group of cute girls just before midnight… The place is getting packed… And now I put the hammer to the nail: “You mean that little red-head over there..? I don’t know if you can recall that you and your camera team actually caused her to RUN away from an interesting conversation with my friend. I won’t be the one to embarass either her or me on national television by putting her in that situation again.” She responds by wheeling her way over to the group of girls to “soften them up” - they’re actually trained to do that… and she returns, saying: “You’re right. They don’t mind being in the background but they do not wish to be in our show.” (Geeeeee, REALLY?!?!?)

Epilogue

I learned something extremely important that evening. About who I am and how I act under pressure. And above all, I am strengthened in my understanding of the importance of staying true to your core values. In all fairness to the production company: In spite of their desires to frame me as a womanizer and ONLY as a dating coach (both against my wishes by the way), I actually feel good about the way I am portrayed on “Singleliv” so far.

The guys and I moved on to new locations after the camera crew had left us - and I did meet a few cute girls that night. None of them had penises… Although one of them was hanging out with an ex-boyfriend. Too bad his name wasn’t Sidney Lee.

Some time ago I was out with Martin. His energy-level goes through the roof, his eyes sparkle like those of a little kid that has just gotten his first bike. I wouldn’t say that Martin’s behavior could be sorted in the Dominant Alpha category but it’s close.

As for our approach to being social Martin and I are pretty different. I am much more low-key and leaned back, where he is actively approaching with a high energy - I feel the base of our mindset is the same though, which is probably why I enjoy being out with him: We’re both fun-loving and all smiles and good energy - one of my favorite things to do with Martin to draw attention to us without approaching by playing hacky-sack near the dance-floor. With an imaginary hacky-sack of course… And this day was no different.

We enter the first place, and our heads are bopping to the beats, hands in the air, jolly attitude. Drinks at the bar and we keep dancing around as goofy little chipmonks. Some girls we met outside the place provide a bit of social proof. We do a quick assessment of the venue and become aware that we are drawing massive approach invitations from several sections of the room.

Martin is everywhere - I just relax and hang back and stick to casually chatting up people outside, … which is where the guests go to smoke cigarettes.

We hang out for some time and notice that the crowd is thinning out. I feel like dancing rather than picking up women so we go to a night club. Martin has gotten a bit drunk and I am feeling completely sober. That’s kind of funny since I order beer and water every time I’m at the bar and the water is not for me…

It’s a great club with several bars, a major dance-floor, several lounge sections and a vast variety of beautiful girls. During the next hour we approach and engage several women and share many great learning experiences before drifting apart each to his own.

It’s getting late and I decide to head to one of the bars and relax and get some deeper action going. I spot a group of 6 girls that represent an opportunity and gesture to them to move apart so I can get to the bar counter and order something. As I wait for the bartender I have ample time to assess what is going on and I find myself amused by the fact that two of the girls are evaluating which guys they want their pretty dark-haired friend, standing to my left, to take home with her. 2 guys to my right are completely unaware of the situation, not grasping that they are being measured an weighed: “He looks cute. I like his clothes. Did you see his smile? Perfect height for her…” and so on.

Girls… talk about objectifying people…

I casually lean back against the bar and gaze towards the dance-floor, waiting for the opportune moment, observing the dark-haired girl with my peripheral vision. I match posture, gestures and breathing, that’s it.

I know the girls have already measured me - my clothing style is not in their tastes, my appearance, my energy, my smile is intentionally switched off. At one point they raise their glasses to say cheers right in front of me and we completely - and consciously - ignore each other’s existence. They have stamped me as a “social loser,” which, for some odd reason, is exactly what I want. I sense a de-ja-vu popping up in my head, … I want to choose, not to be chosen, and especially not by a girl’s friends! The dark-haired girl gives me an approach invitation by saying cheers to me a few seconds out of sync with saying cheers to her friends. I smile, lift my beer, drink, turn away. “Not yet. Stay cool,” are the sentenses running through my head as I keep my focus on the people dancing.

Her friends are suggesting that the girl with the dark hair makes a move on one of the guys to my right. She frowns, then re-checks if the suggested guy will do, a short smile, and then another frown as if to say “come on girls, you know my standards are higher than that.” For a split-second, just one tiny fraction of a moment, her eyes start to search for my reaction to something, anything. It’s the second time she does that and in my experience that’s the perfect time to make the move.

Her head turns away and I instantly tap her on the shoulder: “You guys are funny… just sizing people up in a split-second without paying attention to what’s really important. How did you choose that he is not attractive to you?”

“Well…” she replies and stops to smile. I follow through: “Do you always have your friends select what guys you should go talk with, or is this just a very special day?”

We talk casually about how superficial the nightlife can get and she makes a comment that I seem nice as she leans in a lot. I keep my posture and smile. She smiles repeatedly, there is no doubt in my mind that the attraction level is pretty high and she now asks me what my name is. I decide I want to find out if she’s a cool person and begin qualifying her.

“I’ll tell you in a second! You know, you seem like a very nice and hiiiighly independant girl, … which is something that really catches my attention. Who are you?”

The girl responds by opening up her body language even more, and tells me her name, age and what she does for a living. “Great, so now I know your specifications, … but, what I really asked was not WHAT you are, but WHO you are, … so, WHO are you?” Her smile turns into something else as she goes inside for a second. She asks what I mean by that and I tell her that I want to know the person behind the outer shell. Knowing what she does for a living doesn’t really say all that much about what she enjoys in life. She catches on and starts talking about what she does in her spare time, and then she asks me who I am. 

“I like to do this and that, get up in the morning vs. getting home in the afternoon, and I’m no pro at it but I love to dance.” Finishing on that note is not random - I want to get her away from her friends - and she picks up on it. “We are going dancing later,” she says. I smile and draw her in by pulling her lower arm towards me. “Sure, I’d love to. As soon as I’ve finished my beer.”

Less than 60 seconds pass by and she tells me to come with her, before taking my hand and heading towards the dance-floor. She’s persistant. I bring my beer. Dancing quickly turns into talking and just holding intense eye-contact and arms around the waist. Neither of us are interested in the music. The situation escalates to the point just before the kiss, and then I break it off and drag her back to the bar. I love to build suspense, and I want to know more about her before deciding what to do. 

I give her a hug and tell her I need to attend to my friend and she tells me not to leave the place without coming back… Well, actually she is commanding me to stay, and I promise to come back.

I give it 10 minutes and then head back to the group. She is talking to one of the guys that her friends had qualified so I decide to ignore her and open one of her friends with some casual and fun-loving conversation. The friend is quick to screen me with “what do you do for a living?” and I casually respond that I love my job and we talk fluff. It’s a nice and cool conversation - and after very short time she starts to show signals of attraction. The girl from before is looking towards me now and then, and I smile at her for a second before continuing the talk with her friend. 

The guy she is talking with is turning up the heat, and I decide to distance myself just a little bit from the girl I am with - and my dark-haired friend picks up the glove. She walks over and I greet her with a hug, our eyes lock in. “You’re a great guy, you’re coming back to our place tonight.” I take her hand and smile and after playing hard to get for a second or thirty I tell her that I think she’s “nice, … and that means .. yeah… sure. But we need to sleep.” 

The place is closing now. I am still getting a bit of resistance from one of the friends, so I give her some attention as we’re heading outside. I grab my girl around the waist and let go once we’re in the street. As the girls are trying to get a cab to stop, the most resistant friend now cracks… “Come on… we can fit 4 in a taxi, you’re coming with us.”

We get back to their place, I stop the girl on the stairs and we make out.

Now all the sudden my conscience comes into play. For one thing, I’m pretty close to being 100 % clear in the head and it’s absolutely obvious to me that she is not. We get to bed and everything is buzzing inside my head. “Is this really who I am? Is this how I want to show up for other people? How will I feel tomorrow if I go through with this? What if I don’t go through with this?”

I feel really tempted to just give in, … and then I make a choice to NOT follow through. She tries repeatedly and I break off the kiss, then she stops. Once more, she goes in for the kiss, I break it off, she stops. With a soft smile I tell her everything is OK and that she needs to sleep and then I tuck her in. I’m not sure who sleeps first. 

Maybe I’ve gone soft, maybe I just lost my killer gene, … in the situation, I didn’t know how I chose not to give in to the temptation of having casual sex with a woman that wanted nothing else from me.

I looked at her in the morning and smiled as I got dressed to leave. She said she was sorry that she got so drunk and that nothing happened, … as if it was her fault, a lot of stuff was not going right in her life. That’s when it hit me with a flash - I realized what had kept me from escalating the situation as we got into bed.

“It’s ok,” I said. “Everything is cool, … you’re a great person.”

Had I written this post 6 years ago, I would have been cursing myself with every word. However, as I walked home, I felt great in knowing that I am no longer a pickup artist. I am much more than that. I am a free man.

Here’s a good fuckup report for you.

Last weekend was a very long one, and i will restrict this field report to the absolute fuckup of the evening. After all, if I didn’t focus on the learning, it wouldn’t be a real field report now, would it? But first, the pre-script:

In the afternoon we had a PowerTALK! with about 30 participants and, even though I felt a bit tired, I pulled myself together and delivered a great speech to the guys - and girl. Martin a.k.a. HappyTalk and I both felt tired afterwards so we went to his place and powernapped (well, we tried to anyway) before going out.

After having been at a private party with mostly guys, we hit the bars. I still felt tired, and it took me some time working with my focus before I was ready to engage in conversation with unknown people. The first venue was mainly about the mojito and some shop talk. Martin grew increasingly impatient; he wanted to meet people, and he kept bugging me: “how does this shop talk really help us right now? how do you choose to be out of balance in terms of pickup right now?” and so on. I decided to get my head in gear as we headed for the next place. So what if I’m physically exhausted - the tongue still works.

We sat ourselves down at a table in the next place, and I noticed a cute girl: “STOP!” - I waved her over with my finger. Hop hop hop and she stood there. A quick compliment, she smiled and gave me a hug, and I told her I might look her up later. The PUA had arrived… Not too many people around, so we decided to find some place else.

Visiting the local gay bar for 1½ hour or so, me freaking Martin out every time I grabbed his ass (hahahaha) as he was getting a round of drinks. Did a few casual sets together, before we decided to head back to the other place. As we were getting our jackets, two girls asked us for directions to the place we were headed for. I chatted them up, and walked with them - Martin and our friend from Finland walking 10 paces ahead of us.

I liked one of these girls. Intelligent, pretty, fun-loving. We vibed on our way to the destination of choice, and when we got there we stood outside for a moment and had fun. We all went inside and we let them go somewhere and sit on their own. No need to be clingy.

After circling the place we split up and talked with different people. At some point I notice the girl from before sitting alone, big leather couch, and hey… Eye contact, I sit with her, we re-engage in whatever conversation we had going outside. Martin spots me as her friend is going back, there are no open places to sit, so he engages the friend for a minute, and sits her down at a different table.

My first thought was: “Thank you, very considerate of you.”

At this very second she has asked me “what do you do for a living?” and I respond: “I help people realize and achieve their full potential…”  “-Oh, you’re a coach?” she said, and we start talking about how great it is to help people. Now, I have nothing to hide from women, so when she asked me “what kind of coaching do you do?” I responded: “All kinds of stuff… Sales, management, personal leadership, pickup…”

So, to my amazement she says: “Oh, really? I’ve read “The Game,” is that what you do?” … and we now start talking about the whole seduction society. Turns out that this girl checks in with the local Danish forum and generally feels that the guys she read about are shallow and, well, assholes, with no respect for women whatsoever. I declare myself in agreement for a big part of the community and make it a point to tell her that I am not one to judge all people, just beause some are dickheads. She’s not stupid this girl, and she makes a comment that she knows what we’re doing right now, she noticed Martin was “winging” the SECOND he stepped in to draw attention away from our little twosome. My thought from before now reframed a bit…

Up until this point I feel great about the whole thing. She understands me, I understand her, and we weave in between different topics, like travel, girls taking a piss standing up, dreams for the future, and lots more. She comments on the physical touches once: “I know you are using KINO now, …” as she smiles. Cool girl. I keep doing what I am doing.

At some point she comments on the logs on the Danish forum, and this is my one key learning experience. She tells me that she is apalled with some of the logbooks. Being in the whole “defend the good guys” mindset as opposed to “game the girl” mindset I mis-step massively.

“You know, I too keep track of my own personal development in a log on the Danish forum, and you haven’t seen it, because it’s hidden from public view.” What a stupid, STUPID remark?!? Mid-sentence I see massive calibration shifts. Trust all gone. Interest, attraction: SURE. But the trust went “poof!” into thin air. Even though I have preframed the whole situation with the presupposition that I am a good guy - because if I was not, she would have figured it all out by now, right? No trust.

I really sympathize with the clients I have that initially fear telling women about “game,” … In my mind I’m experienceing flashbacks to the time I told my last girlfriend about the community and showed her some websites. The frowning, the arrogance, the female display of absolute disgust of guys dropping to the lowest possible level of life to get laid (the ex said that).

Verbal takeaway, a little push/pull vibing, I notice another calibration shift for the better - before goofing a little again. As part of ”not gaming” I actually found myself defending “my community,” by telling something odd / off about myself. This one is really stupid, when you look at context: “I’ve been in a long-term relationship until recently. Our house is for sale. I really need to move out, so I feel mentally out of the relationship” (oh my GOD, you fucking PUSSY!)…

Well, no worries, I don’t see any major change in behavior, other than the fact that she completely freezes every motion in her body for a split second, and then smiles… we vibe some more. I decide to eject on a good note and be social for a while. After all, we’ve talked for 30 minutes or more. Walking away, I beat myself up for bringing up the log. After all, I haven’t posted a field report in it for years, it’s irrelevant communication at that point… I fell right into that one. BRAINSWIPE. I now talk with some guys near my Finnish friend, and some other people around the bar.

After some minutes I see the girls getting dressed, so I excuse myself and head back to her. “You’re leaving? I had a great time with you, let’s meet again some time and have shitloads of fun together!” I hand her my phone. She takes forever with my phone and hands it back to me. She wrote in her name including some pretty positive adjectives.

I generally consider myself a very trusting person, and I am most certainly not accustomed to getting false phone numbers, so I never do a spot-test, like calling her immediately or having her tell me her number backwards. This will not change, ever. I will much rather call the wrong number and have a great time with THAT person, if I fail to verify the owner using the internet.

Sunday afternoon. I’m home after a 2½-hour drive. I look up the number, and it turns up with a very… VERY different name. I am not surprised, even though it is my first fake number in many, many, many interactions. Her loss.