Powerful Connections

Cold reads. I re-read the little piece of paper I drew out of the hat. The words cause me to cringe inside, like I had just eaten rotten meat. Back in my prime PUA days I used cold reads a lot. In opening conversations, in juicing them up, or… quite often, … to escalate the relation between myself and the girl.

In the right hands, cold reads can be extremely powerful. It’s a lot more fun to point your seduction gun at a girl and spit out bullets of intrigue, than it is to ramble on and on about someone else’s routine, too. Consider the people that read their horoscopes every week and go “Damn! That is so close to ME one should think the writer KNEW me!” Of course, the writer doesn’t know you at all. Instead he or she merely relies on two general techniques, 1) Communicating at an abstract level, and 2) “cold feeds.”

Quak fortune tellers (are any of them authentic?) rely on the same principles. However, the abstract communication is now shaped more as “cold reads.”

What are the definitions of cold reads then? The question is very simple to answer, and this technique is extremely easy to master in a very short time span. Over the years I have witnessed many aspiring PUA’s that rely on this one simple communication technique to move their conversations forward. Girls will go all fuzzy and warm inside when done right, some will want you badly, and all will think you have supernatural people-reading skills.

And in fact, you do possess those skills. But, cold reading is not the skill itself, it’s the communication channel of that skill set.

Imagine what will ensue when you are able to walk up to another person and have that person smile an authentic and deep smile after less than two minutes, all while he or she is thinking “wow… this guy is amazing!” Well, I know how I would handle that situation - and I’m pretty sure you’d be able to work with it as well. If you have been following my blog for a while, you’ll know exactly what to do.

The process is extremely simple, in fact, it’s so simple it hurts! For now, I’ll walk you through the very soft version to get you started:

1. Make an abstract statement about the other person I.E. “I can tell you’re the sort of person that really enjoys life.”
2. If the person says “yes” or anywhere along those lines, you say: “Yes, AND…” - if the persons says “no,” you say “BUT…”
3. You make another statement about that person. If she said yes, make it more specific than the last one. If she says no, make it a more abstract one.

There you have it - that’s the general structure of cold reads! Amazingly simple, and yet one of the most powerful and fun-to-use communication methods in the seduction - and fortune telling - world.

In PUA Cold Reads - Part II I will walk you through some more advanced cold read stuff and show you exactly how the cold read technique works through examples of some of the cold reads I have done with great success in the past.

What makes a story a great story? How do you use storytelling to convey emotional depth and demonstrate high value?

To answer the questions above, perhaps it would make sense to look into what is valuable, and then to understand the key elements needed to allow your counterpart to feel that you add value to the world.

What is valuable?

One of the key mistakes I witness when coaching sales reps is the tendency to focus inside our comfort zone in terms of content. This is especially relevant for newcomers to the sales function, where most of us would have a tendency to really get to understand the features of our product, so that we will be able to respond to any objections from a product feature perspective. However, whether a salesman or pickup artist you must first understand that your product is not important. The features are not important. What you have experienced is not important. In fact, it is worthless if you cannot translate it into the emotions associated with these things and, more importantly, the value your features or experiences bring to others.

Let me give you a quick example of the way this relates to both sales and pickup methodology: Let’s break down the elements of a perfect message - and let it sit for a while, before you start looking inside your own stories to find out how you can improve them.

The 4MAT Model (by Bernice McCarthy)

In communicating sharply with others I cannot over-emphasize the importance of providing your messages with the right structure. The most powerful and understandable tool I use to help people understand is the 4MAT model developed by Bernice McCarthy, which consists of 4 elements:

• WHY you need to listen - why is this relevant to you. This step can be factual, and needs to address emotions to be truly effective. You need to establish relevance and get personal involvement from your listener before moving on.
• WHAT are the main headlines of the topic (in sales: the solution). This is purely factual and can be wrapped up in metaphors for emotional effect.
• HOW one executes on the topic (in sales: a more specific implementation roadmap). Step by step, factual and, depending on the person at the other end, more or less specific. When training others, this step is achieved through exercises.
• WHAT IF or THE EFFECT of the what’s and how’s. For PUA purposes, choose a highly emotionally oriented approach. For sales purposes,  supply more factual / measurable input.

This next section will show you how I apply this communication model in terms of seduction. I’ve covered this in other terms before, check out the posts on how to deliver high value (DHV) for more perspectives.

What is important to remember when telling a girl who you really are at your core is to remember a phrase coined by Anthony Robbins:

“We buy with our emotions, and justify with our logic.”

This phrase is extremely important whether you are selling or seducing, and here’s an example to show you why.

The Logical Response

Let’s say I am talking with a nice girl who now becomes moderately interested in me and asks me what I do for a living. The normal, casual response, would be to simply blirt out “I’m a pickup coach” or something along those lines. Well, although I can always make a comeback and explain why I love coaching, it’s still uphill. In communicating from a logical frame of mind, I’m using the WHAT part of the 4MAT to adress the “purchase justification center.”

I always use the above response if I’m talking to a girl I’m not atracted to, and I keep the verbal conversation extremely logical, as I link “emotional talk” strongly with “conveying attraction.” Well, OK, nudge me, and I might share that I also use this response if I believe she is coming on too strong, and I just want to toy with her for a while. I admit it, I’m like a kitten with a string sometimes.

In my experience, I have a lot more impact in addressing her emotions, and the quickest way to do so is to address the VALUE of what I do.

The Emotional Response

For a period of time I would respond in terms of direct value of my services. Turns out I was actually just mystifying what I did. I’d reply: “I help people realize their potential and use it to achieve stuff beyond their wildest dreams.”

This reply serves two purposes:

1. To convey the value of my job to the people I serve.
2. It’s a paraphrase of the WHAT in 4MAT - a metaphor for “coaching”

However, I found that this phrase was not strong enough in terms of communicating with her emotions. Some of the more clever girls would simply retort with: “Oh, so you’re a coach.”

Hmmm, that doesn’t cut it with the intelligent girls then - and ladies, intelligence is at the top of my list of screening values!! So, I have to come up with something else to keep their inner dialogue boomin’ - and that’s when I came up with something so vague and, sorry if I sound like I’m full of it, brilliant, I couldn’t believe my eyes after the first 20 tests:

“Well, how would you feel if a guy noticed those exact awesome personal features you bring to the table, and he knew exactly how to handle you so that you would feel special with every second you were in his presence?”

“… That’s what I do.”

It’s always incredibly amusing to witness their eyes as they try to analyze what I just said. They CAN’T because they are logically trying to process an emotional hydrogen bomb! What I did right there was hit right on the money in the WHAT IF category - and that, my dear reader, is golden!

Go ahead and do the same extrapolation on your job, … as a result of you doing your job, who benefits and how?

The Complete 4MAT Response

You may want to be more dramatic about replying to the question “so, what do you do for a living?” - or any other question for that matter… I hope you can see the application of this model throughout any and all communication between yourself and a woman (or a customer for that matter) as you move forward.

Although I hardly ever use the full version anymore, simply because I have found it more powerful to just leave a trail of bred-crumbs from the WHAT IF… response, it is important to fully understand the different steps. So, without further bantering: Here’s the longer version that follows the 4MAT model to a tee.

• WHY: Let me ask you a question… have you ever found yourself standing in a bar, staring down Mr. Wonderful for seconds that would turn into minutes, and NOTHING happened, he did’t do ANYTHING? [pause, they always say YES] Right! And as the seconds grew into minutes you’d start wondering if HE was insecure, or if something was wrong with YOU, or whatever that is - Right? [pause, another yes] Exactly. You see, it may be stupid, but most guys in that situation ARE attracted to you, they’re just scared shitless that they will goof it up in saying something stupid, or that you will chew their arm of if they approach you, so they DON’T approachyou. It’s gotta piss you off as much as it pisses me off, right?
• WHAT: Well, I help these guys understand that there is nothing to be afraid of, and that they are better men as a result of acting on their desires. I provide them with insights into their own psyche and train them in using groundbreaking communication principles. This helps them to take charge in their life and unlock potential they never even knew they had.
• HOW: One of the best ways to learn new skills is to TAKE ACTION, can we agree on that? [handle whatever] - So what I do, at least in this part of my proffession, is help these guys out LIVE in the field with ACTUAL women they have never met before. We have these seminars and workshops here we cover everyting from personal leadership to what women value in general and how to address that. During our seminar our attendants talk with a TON of people, not just women, to hone their social skills, I really love to see the glow in their eyes as the seminars come to an end. You know, you can actually tell if a woman is interested in a matter of seconds? [if she doesn't ask for an example, I'll just open any random girl, get her smiling and send her off again. If she does ask for an example, I'll just look her in the eye and smile while I tell her she's a naughty girl!]
• WHAT IF… How would you feel if a guy noticed those exact awesome personal features you bring to the table, and he knew exactly how to handle you so that you would feel special with every second you were in his presence? Can you imagine what it would look like if every person in this room just took the courage to act on their basic desires with the underlying intent of just having a great time with everyone else!

Well, there you have it; a complete breakdown of one the most powerful communication structures that is being used by sales- marketing- and communication specialists throughout the world. And, as it happens, by one of Denmark’s most noted pickup coaches.

Don’t believe me? Take a look at any interesting advertisement in the next magazine you open and THEN tell me I’m wrong.

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Is it possible for a man and a woman to be good friends? I mean, is it really possible that we can experience one another as friends on an exceptionally deep level of understanding without at some point re-arranging our set of priorities and transform the relationship into something physical?

Before attending my first NLP training I was 120 % inclined to reject the possibility of a male / female relationship based solely on non-sexual intentions. At some point, I believed, one of the parties will always turn towards our genetic purpose. Sexual attraction will build. The feeling of friendship will either develop into something physical or it will perish. 99 % of my communication was pre-processed and pre-designed to achieve a certain outcome inside the other person. I was effectively denying myself from living in the moment.

Throughout most of my adult life this belief has defined which friends I have chosen. My friends have all been male. And then… all the sudden… I met this amazing woman that really got me thinking. I’m actually still thinking the topic through, deciding whether or not to completely let go of my old belief that was adopted through years of focus and application of seductive communication principles. Or, well, … I have decided to surrender myself completely to the flow of the moment.  

Adapt yourself to the life you have been given; and truly love the people with whom destiny has surrounded you. - Marcus Aurelius

When I first met this woman I found myself doing several transderivational searches as we talked for about two hours. My initial thoughts were that this was a very hot and to me very attractive woman with great self-esteem, and I couldn’t quite figure it out; her level of density and ability to communicate with no filters baffled me. Don’t get me wrong, I have met several women along the way that have inspired and posed a challenge to me. This particular woman has a way about her though… As I walked home from our first encounter I remember asking myself if I was dreaming. Could she really be as straightforward as I had perceived? What was she doing that made it so easy for me to choose to listen, I mean really listen, to her person rather than just searching for ways to escalate our relationship into something more?

Had I met this woman in the distant past, I would not have been ready for this thought process. I have been on a long journey and I have explored many relations to get to where I am today. I feel enlightened, not superior. I feel genuine, and this story would not have been possible if I had not made a conscious choice to be open and thankful towards the world. Thank you Steve, thank you friends, for providing me with the questions I need to really look inside of myself.

As a pickup artist I was used to communicate on several levels, and the women that have managed to challenge me by calling me out for being in my head have traditionally won my heart fairly quickly. Even though I have managed to learn how to communicate mainly from my heart and not my head - or crotch - I have always, to some extent, been applying some sort of analytical sense and evaluatio of the social dynamics between myself and the woman with whom I was engaged in conversation. You may think of me as a cynic, and in hindsight I completely agree. It is one of the oldest PUA paradigms in play: Man and woman cannot ever truly be friends, because one of the parties will always seek to fulfill their genetic purpose in life over their conscious efforts.

But, as I think this through - I find this paradigm to be one that inhibits the PUA from the freedom to really FEEL the woman he is communicating with. If we are to extrapolate on this thought, everything a PUA does is hindered by an invisible filter inhibiting him from truly opening up to other people. We fail to understand what Shakespeare did long before us:

“Hear the meaning within the word.” - William Shakespeare

So, there I was… at a bar with an amazingly beautiful, intelligent and feminine woman thinking to myself that I was completely fascinated by her spirit and drawn to her “glow.” We had talked about a ton of stuff, I felt as if I had known her core person for years and I had communicated something to a woman that would previously transcend beyond my wildest dreams: “I appreciate you as a friend.”

At one point during our talk the other night I actually felt completely naked. I was in my right element, showing who I really was and listening to who she really was, as I was feeling completely relaxed about the whole thing. And then my brain entered the arena… Reminding me of the physical attraction, encouraging me to seek beyond the level of friendship we had built in just three conversations. At that very moment this extremely special woman said something that would shatter my belief like a glass breaking into a million pieces.

“You are so cute when you just speak what you are thinking.” - meaning when I communicate using my heart. Amazingly enough, she was picking up on my deepest darkest thoughts. I was extremely confused, my heart feeling, my brain acknowledging, my pickup artist mindset filtering and my desire levels going through the roof. During that talk we both managed to communicate attraction to one another and a desire to seperate things. Now, if you know me, if you have met me in the past, you will most likely be scratching the back of your head going “what the heck..?!?!” - and that is what intrigues me; I am utterly attracted and in some way we have managed to establish a frame where it is OK to be attracted… period.

“It is as easy to draw back a stone, thrown with force from the hand, as to recall a word once spoken.” - Menander

I remembered the words of Menander and decided not to act on my level of physical attraction as my consciousness took over for yet another second: “You can go do what you have always done, or you can trust this woman with your life and share your biggest fears and highest hopes while letting her heart inspire you to grow your own.” My insides were, and are, revolting. I understand the background and limitiations of the PUA paradigm because I am experiencing deep attraction and flat out emotional surrender at the same time. I hope for your sake that you will allow yourself to feel equally confused and calm at the same time. It’s breath-taking, I can tell you that much.

This whole experince reminds me of a friend of mine that recently suggested me to take on celibacy. As he did, I frowned… And now, I actually understand the intent behind his suggestion. I know that, amongst many other things, he knew that the man / woman friendship paradigm of the pickup artist is one of many that has prevented me to see people clearly.

I have no idea where the journey with this woman will take me, or us. However, I do know that I will follow my heart completely and do or say whatever comes naturally.I have always made a point of letting people know when they are attractive to me - now I will make an even bigger point of being completely open to truly communicate using my heart.

Confused? Welcome to my world. What are your thoughts about cross-gender relationships?