Powerful Connections

What makes a story a great story? How do you use storytelling to convey emotional depth and demonstrate high value?

To answer the questions above, perhaps it would make sense to look into what is valuable, and then to understand the key elements needed to allow your counterpart to feel that you add value to the world.

What is valuable?

One of the key mistakes I witness when coaching sales reps is the tendency to focus inside our comfort zone in terms of content. This is especially relevant for newcomers to the sales function, where most of us would have a tendency to really get to understand the features of our product, so that we will be able to respond to any objections from a product feature perspective. However, whether a salesman or pickup artist you must first understand that your product is not important. The features are not important. What you have experienced is not important. In fact, it is worthless if you cannot translate it into the emotions associated with these things and, more importantly, the value your features or experiences bring to others.

Let me give you a quick example of the way this relates to both sales and pickup methodology: Let’s break down the elements of a perfect message - and let it sit for a while, before you start looking inside your own stories to find out how you can improve them.

The 4MAT Model (by Bernice McCarthy)

In communicating sharply with others I cannot over-emphasize the importance of providing your messages with the right structure. The most powerful and understandable tool I use to help people understand is the 4MAT model developed by Bernice McCarthy, which consists of 4 elements:

• WHY you need to listen - why is this relevant to you. This step can be factual, and needs to address emotions to be truly effective. You need to establish relevance and get personal involvement from your listener before moving on.
• WHAT are the main headlines of the topic (in sales: the solution). This is purely factual and can be wrapped up in metaphors for emotional effect.
• HOW one executes on the topic (in sales: a more specific implementation roadmap). Step by step, factual and, depending on the person at the other end, more or less specific. When training others, this step is achieved through exercises.
• WHAT IF or THE EFFECT of the what’s and how’s. For PUA purposes, choose a highly emotionally oriented approach. For sales purposes,  supply more factual / measurable input.

This next section will show you how I apply this communication model in terms of seduction. I’ve covered this in other terms before, check out the posts on how to deliver high value (DHV) for more perspectives.

What is important to remember when telling a girl who you really are at your core is to remember a phrase coined by Anthony Robbins:

“We buy with our emotions, and justify with our logic.”

This phrase is extremely important whether you are selling or seducing, and here’s an example to show you why.

The Logical Response

Let’s say I am talking with a nice girl who now becomes moderately interested in me and asks me what I do for a living. The normal, casual response, would be to simply blirt out “I’m a pickup coach” or something along those lines. Well, although I can always make a comeback and explain why I love coaching, it’s still uphill. In communicating from a logical frame of mind, I’m using the WHAT part of the 4MAT to adress the “purchase justification center.”

I always use the above response if I’m talking to a girl I’m not atracted to, and I keep the verbal conversation extremely logical, as I link “emotional talk” strongly with “conveying attraction.” Well, OK, nudge me, and I might share that I also use this response if I believe she is coming on too strong, and I just want to toy with her for a while. I admit it, I’m like a kitten with a string sometimes.

In my experience, I have a lot more impact in addressing her emotions, and the quickest way to do so is to address the VALUE of what I do.

The Emotional Response

For a period of time I would respond in terms of direct value of my services. Turns out I was actually just mystifying what I did. I’d reply: “I help people realize their potential and use it to achieve stuff beyond their wildest dreams.”

This reply serves two purposes:

1. To convey the value of my job to the people I serve.
2. It’s a paraphrase of the WHAT in 4MAT - a metaphor for “coaching”

However, I found that this phrase was not strong enough in terms of communicating with her emotions. Some of the more clever girls would simply retort with: “Oh, so you’re a coach.”

Hmmm, that doesn’t cut it with the intelligent girls then - and ladies, intelligence is at the top of my list of screening values!! So, I have to come up with something else to keep their inner dialogue boomin’ - and that’s when I came up with something so vague and, sorry if I sound like I’m full of it, brilliant, I couldn’t believe my eyes after the first 20 tests:

“Well, how would you feel if a guy noticed those exact awesome personal features you bring to the table, and he knew exactly how to handle you so that you would feel special with every second you were in his presence?”

“… That’s what I do.”

It’s always incredibly amusing to witness their eyes as they try to analyze what I just said. They CAN’T because they are logically trying to process an emotional hydrogen bomb! What I did right there was hit right on the money in the WHAT IF category - and that, my dear reader, is golden!

Go ahead and do the same extrapolation on your job, … as a result of you doing your job, who benefits and how?

The Complete 4MAT Response

You may want to be more dramatic about replying to the question “so, what do you do for a living?” - or any other question for that matter… I hope you can see the application of this model throughout any and all communication between yourself and a woman (or a customer for that matter) as you move forward.

Although I hardly ever use the full version anymore, simply because I have found it more powerful to just leave a trail of bred-crumbs from the WHAT IF… response, it is important to fully understand the different steps. So, without further bantering: Here’s the longer version that follows the 4MAT model to a tee.

• WHY: Let me ask you a question… have you ever found yourself standing in a bar, staring down Mr. Wonderful for seconds that would turn into minutes, and NOTHING happened, he did’t do ANYTHING? [pause, they always say YES] Right! And as the seconds grew into minutes you’d start wondering if HE was insecure, or if something was wrong with YOU, or whatever that is - Right? [pause, another yes] Exactly. You see, it may be stupid, but most guys in that situation ARE attracted to you, they’re just scared shitless that they will goof it up in saying something stupid, or that you will chew their arm of if they approach you, so they DON’T approachyou. It’s gotta piss you off as much as it pisses me off, right?
• WHAT: Well, I help these guys understand that there is nothing to be afraid of, and that they are better men as a result of acting on their desires. I provide them with insights into their own psyche and train them in using groundbreaking communication principles. This helps them to take charge in their life and unlock potential they never even knew they had.
• HOW: One of the best ways to learn new skills is to TAKE ACTION, can we agree on that? [handle whatever] - So what I do, at least in this part of my proffession, is help these guys out LIVE in the field with ACTUAL women they have never met before. We have these seminars and workshops here we cover everyting from personal leadership to what women value in general and how to address that. During our seminar our attendants talk with a TON of people, not just women, to hone their social skills, I really love to see the glow in their eyes as the seminars come to an end. You know, you can actually tell if a woman is interested in a matter of seconds? [if she doesn't ask for an example, I'll just open any random girl, get her smiling and send her off again. If she does ask for an example, I'll just look her in the eye and smile while I tell her she's a naughty girl!]
• WHAT IF… How would you feel if a guy noticed those exact awesome personal features you bring to the table, and he knew exactly how to handle you so that you would feel special with every second you were in his presence? Can you imagine what it would look like if every person in this room just took the courage to act on their basic desires with the underlying intent of just having a great time with everyone else!

Well, there you have it; a complete breakdown of one the most powerful communication structures that is being used by sales- marketing- and communication specialists throughout the world. And, as it happens, by one of Denmark’s most noted pickup coaches.

Don’t believe me? Take a look at any interesting advertisement in the next magazine you open and THEN tell me I’m wrong.

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So many people walk around in search for their soul-mate, and so many people find themselves settling for less. You might have a general idea about what your soul-mate is like, sure… but have you done yourself the favor to really explore what kind of relationship you want? Let’s talk about value qualification!

First off, let’s clarify traditional qualification as it plays out in my understanding:

The Qualification Principle

Assign a certain trait to a girl that is less desirable (disqualifier, with the intent of getting her to qualify against the assigned trait. I.E. “Too bad you’re not open towards meeting new people when you go out.”

Provided you are in rapport and the girl is marginally attracted to you, she will respond with proof that she is open towards meeting new people. Yes, that means YOU.

Qualifying and disqualifying are great ways to achieve rewarding, fun-centric conversations.  In traditional pickup literature however, it is often overlooked as the incredibly powerful connection tool it is.

Using qualifiers to establish connection

Let me share an example of one of my relationship values, and how I’d use it in a conversation:

“What is the best way you have ever shown a guy that you valued his independence in your relationship?”

As soon as she responds to your question, she is accepting that she feels strongly towards independence in a relationship, and she is now offering proof towards that acceptance.

You will definitely want to use very big words – values that are abstract, such as “independence.” – Here’s why: If we are faced with the choice between right (offering independence) and wrong (smothering your partner), our social filters guide us towards doing what is “right.” Who wants to openly acknowledge that she values sitting at home with you 7 nights a week? She might secretly value sitting at home 7 nights a week, … now and then a girl will actually tell me straight up. In that case, leave, unless you want something… other than a relationship… That’s quite alright, as long as you are honest about it when the time comes.

Her translation of the word “independence” will tell you a lot about her world, her past, values and beliefs, demands in a relationship, and her hopes for the future. There’s a ton of possible conversational threads to revert to later on.

Here’s another one:

“Do you consider yourself to be honest deep down inside?”

Most people will reply with a sound “yes!” – some will smile that dirty little smile and say “… hehe, no!” – No matter the reply, you can be absolutely certain that she just offered to qualify towards your basic values.  Go with either side of the force, Luke! A: “Really? If someone dropped their wallet and you picked it up only to find $ 1.000, what would you do?” or B: “When it is OK to lie?”

Communicating value in the qualification process

No matter the chosen path, you can offer further disqualifiers to her reply. You can be dead serious, or you can be casually cocky; whatever suits your personal communication style, it is all good, as long as you justify the qualifier. It’s time to open up and let her know WHY you asked. After all, we want to establish groundbreaking value-based connections, don’t we? Here’s how I might choose to respond:

“That’s interesting… I really value girls that are highly self-motivated and know how to fill their lives with activities of their own when I’m not around,”

- could be a statement I would offer. Seems simple, right? Well, …

Here are the choices behind the words:

1. I let her know her statement is “interesting,” and I compliment “girls” – not her –  on certain traits. What a sly little conversational technique to signal my requirements in terms of behavior while sub-communicating that she MIGHT be in good shape. Notice: I do NOT tell her if she meets my requirements or not.

2. I let her know what kind of behavior is to be expected of me, by stating I won’t be around 24/7/365.

3. I do NOT compose a question, as this would be an obvious screening. If I ask for compliance, she will know I am chasing, and I don’t want that to happen. Instead of asking any further, I recommend that you keep your mouth shut until she says something, no matter what it is. Trust me, she will.

4. My statement is sufficiently vague and offers her a way to qualify, WITHOUT me having disqualified her up front. I want to be vague and let her grab the initiative, which will be a clear indicator of her interest. And again, trust me, … she WILL grab the initiative.

5. I set myself up to continue with another value statement further down the road, either by communicating value in terms of pre-selection, social circle leadership, things that excite me, or further standards.

Applying your knowledge

As you head into the real world and apply this knowledge, remember the driving force behind it: Some guys get lucky; they are selected by girls on a whim, and what’s worse: they brag about it – Other guys know that to get the women they truly want, they need to be the selectors!

The first step? Define the frames of your ideal relationship and which personality features would be benefical towards building that frame. Why wait - the best time to do things is always: Now!

It’s going to be a great day for all those wonderful women out there that deserve to meet you as soon as possible!

Maybe you recognize this situation: You were sitting at a bar or walking down the street, and you saw a gorgeous girl walking close by. You probably thought something like “wow, she’s hot, I wish I could talk to her,” and as she walked by you, as the moment of opportunity had vanished forever, you probably kicked into a new pattern of thought like: “Why didn’t I just… DAYUM, she was hot!”

Perhaps you proceeded with “I know exactly what I… Oh my God, that would have been SO cool.”

Now, even though you already know the right thing to do the next time an amazingly beautiful woman walks by, you say nothing - just like before. Since this pattern doesn’t make sense, you now start to rationalize your behavior:  “I’m out of her league, so I might as well just spare myself the embarrassment.” You may have blamed the choice on the clothes you were wearing, or the fact that you had eaten a ton of garlic the day before, who knows what that was for you..?

Don’t worry. You are not alone. In fact, lots of GREAT pick up artists out there run the same strategy with the women they think are super hot, too. They are going MENTAL trying to figure out the right approach – until the moment is gone.

Many of us easily go through our entire lives settling for less than we really, truly desire. Under false assumptions, I might add. We believe in measuring in terms of external success or failure… And failure HURTS! So we come up with excuses to explain our decision not to act.

But, what is success, anyway?

fact of the matter is that in successfully meeting and attracting women, few presuppositions exist. As a member of the PUA community since 1999 and through my experiences as a certified coach and master of NLP, I have learned this: Pick-up and attraction models don’t work because they are the hidden code or super stealthy communication methods. They all work because… YOU believe they work.

Let us rationalize over this for a second. If we are 7 billion people on the face of the planet, and every person is infinitely complex then, assuming one cannot seduce one self, is it at all possible that the number of pick up models out there equals (7 billion x 7 billion) – 7 billion. That being the case, how do YOU know that you are practicing THE model above them all? The answer is simple: It has worked for you or someone else once or more, so now you believe you are armed with the right ammo!

No matter what model you follow, one of the most important presuppositions of being successful with women is to open the conversation every time you see an attractive girl. Some guru’s will have you use opinion openers, others will ask that you state your sexual desires, and some will tell you to talk about fruit as if  you were having sex with it, and then there are those that will tell you that you have to immediately say something that lowers a hot girl’s value. Confused? The most common excuse I hear from newcomers is: “I don’t know what to say!”

In reality, what you say is not as important as what you believe. The odds are constantly in your favor, as long as you take a crack at it!

The verbal opener doesn’t matter at all: The very instant we initiate conversation with another person or group we induce a break-state and open a physical and mental vacuum in the process. As you step into that vacuum and change the subject and the group dynamics, it’s NATURAL, and what’s more… It displays tremendous confidence and VALUE. Instead of being afraid that the value you bring to the table is not enough, … how about assuming that you display undeniable value through initiating a no bullshit, light-hearted conversation? In her mind, it’s in dire contrast to the 20 guys that walked up and asked her for a light, I can tell you that much.

A key point for me to make here: If you measure your success on how many phone numbers you get per night, you are – no matter how you twist and turn it – depending on other people’s choices to determine whether or not you achieve your success criteria. If you measure how many times you hand a girl your phone, you alone determine how much you will over-perform.

Knowing this, you can approach and open with ANYTHING that comes to your mind. If it’s a compliment, fine! If it’s in Latin, fine! You can even say NOTHING and still open JUST FINE! If the girl tells you to fuck yourself, fine! Your goal was to approach and get to know if she was a person that you could bless, and you will have a great time analyzing the meaning of the feedback and how you can adapt instantly by asking her friends: “Is she always this rude?”

I dare you to go Bar X tonight, walk up to a woman and ask her for directions for Bar X, and then sit down beside her and reward her with a compliment for kindly telling you.

At what pace do you think you will evolve your game, when you start applying this mindset with women or in any other aspect of your life? Now that you possess this wisdom, is it at all possible that you will just ask the next girl to stop, and then learn from what happens next?

You can read a lot more about these strategies and find some really powerful tools to attract and connect with women in my eBook “Powerful Game – Strategies of a Highly Successful Pick Up Artist” – or simply by frequently checking in with this blog.