Powerful Connections

Some time ago I was out with Martin. His energy-level goes through the roof, his eyes sparkle like those of a little kid that has just gotten his first bike. I wouldn’t say that Martin’s behavior could be sorted in the Dominant Alpha category but it’s close.

As for our approach to being social Martin and I are pretty different. I am much more low-key and leaned back, where he is actively approaching with a high energy - I feel the base of our mindset is the same though, which is probably why I enjoy being out with him: We’re both fun-loving and all smiles and good energy - one of my favorite things to do with Martin to draw attention to us without approaching by playing hacky-sack near the dance-floor. With an imaginary hacky-sack of course… And this day was no different.

We enter the first place, and our heads are bopping to the beats, hands in the air, jolly attitude. Drinks at the bar and we keep dancing around as goofy little chipmonks. Some girls we met outside the place provide a bit of social proof. We do a quick assessment of the venue and become aware that we are drawing massive approach invitations from several sections of the room.

Martin is everywhere - I just relax and hang back and stick to casually chatting up people outside, … which is where the guests go to smoke cigarettes.

We hang out for some time and notice that the crowd is thinning out. I feel like dancing rather than picking up women so we go to a night club. Martin has gotten a bit drunk and I am feeling completely sober. That’s kind of funny since I order beer and water every time I’m at the bar and the water is not for me…

It’s a great club with several bars, a major dance-floor, several lounge sections and a vast variety of beautiful girls. During the next hour we approach and engage several women and share many great learning experiences before drifting apart each to his own.

It’s getting late and I decide to head to one of the bars and relax and get some deeper action going. I spot a group of 6 girls that represent an opportunity and gesture to them to move apart so I can get to the bar counter and order something. As I wait for the bartender I have ample time to assess what is going on and I find myself amused by the fact that two of the girls are evaluating which guys they want their pretty dark-haired friend, standing to my left, to take home with her. 2 guys to my right are completely unaware of the situation, not grasping that they are being measured an weighed: “He looks cute. I like his clothes. Did you see his smile? Perfect height for her…” and so on.

Girls… talk about objectifying people…

I casually lean back against the bar and gaze towards the dance-floor, waiting for the opportune moment, observing the dark-haired girl with my peripheral vision. I match posture, gestures and breathing, that’s it.

I know the girls have already measured me - my clothing style is not in their tastes, my appearance, my energy, my smile is intentionally switched off. At one point they raise their glasses to say cheers right in front of me and we completely - and consciously - ignore each other’s existence. They have stamped me as a “social loser,” which, for some odd reason, is exactly what I want. I sense a de-ja-vu popping up in my head, … I want to choose, not to be chosen, and especially not by a girl’s friends! The dark-haired girl gives me an approach invitation by saying cheers to me a few seconds out of sync with saying cheers to her friends. I smile, lift my beer, drink, turn away. “Not yet. Stay cool,” are the sentenses running through my head as I keep my focus on the people dancing.

Her friends are suggesting that the girl with the dark hair makes a move on one of the guys to my right. She frowns, then re-checks if the suggested guy will do, a short smile, and then another frown as if to say “come on girls, you know my standards are higher than that.” For a split-second, just one tiny fraction of a moment, her eyes start to search for my reaction to something, anything. It’s the second time she does that and in my experience that’s the perfect time to make the move.

Her head turns away and I instantly tap her on the shoulder: “You guys are funny… just sizing people up in a split-second without paying attention to what’s really important. How did you choose that he is not attractive to you?”

“Well…” she replies and stops to smile. I follow through: “Do you always have your friends select what guys you should go talk with, or is this just a very special day?”

We talk casually about how superficial the nightlife can get and she makes a comment that I seem nice as she leans in a lot. I keep my posture and smile. She smiles repeatedly, there is no doubt in my mind that the attraction level is pretty high and she now asks me what my name is. I decide I want to find out if she’s a cool person and begin qualifying her.

“I’ll tell you in a second! You know, you seem like a very nice and hiiiighly independant girl, … which is something that really catches my attention. Who are you?”

The girl responds by opening up her body language even more, and tells me her name, age and what she does for a living. “Great, so now I know your specifications, … but, what I really asked was not WHAT you are, but WHO you are, … so, WHO are you?” Her smile turns into something else as she goes inside for a second. She asks what I mean by that and I tell her that I want to know the person behind the outer shell. Knowing what she does for a living doesn’t really say all that much about what she enjoys in life. She catches on and starts talking about what she does in her spare time, and then she asks me who I am. 

“I like to do this and that, get up in the morning vs. getting home in the afternoon, and I’m no pro at it but I love to dance.” Finishing on that note is not random - I want to get her away from her friends - and she picks up on it. “We are going dancing later,” she says. I smile and draw her in by pulling her lower arm towards me. “Sure, I’d love to. As soon as I’ve finished my beer.”

Less than 60 seconds pass by and she tells me to come with her, before taking my hand and heading towards the dance-floor. She’s persistant. I bring my beer. Dancing quickly turns into talking and just holding intense eye-contact and arms around the waist. Neither of us are interested in the music. The situation escalates to the point just before the kiss, and then I break it off and drag her back to the bar. I love to build suspense, and I want to know more about her before deciding what to do. 

I give her a hug and tell her I need to attend to my friend and she tells me not to leave the place without coming back… Well, actually she is commanding me to stay, and I promise to come back.

I give it 10 minutes and then head back to the group. She is talking to one of the guys that her friends had qualified so I decide to ignore her and open one of her friends with some casual and fun-loving conversation. The friend is quick to screen me with “what do you do for a living?” and I casually respond that I love my job and we talk fluff. It’s a nice and cool conversation - and after very short time she starts to show signals of attraction. The girl from before is looking towards me now and then, and I smile at her for a second before continuing the talk with her friend. 

The guy she is talking with is turning up the heat, and I decide to distance myself just a little bit from the girl I am with - and my dark-haired friend picks up the glove. She walks over and I greet her with a hug, our eyes lock in. “You’re a great guy, you’re coming back to our place tonight.” I take her hand and smile and after playing hard to get for a second or thirty I tell her that I think she’s “nice, … and that means .. yeah… sure. But we need to sleep.” 

The place is closing now. I am still getting a bit of resistance from one of the friends, so I give her some attention as we’re heading outside. I grab my girl around the waist and let go once we’re in the street. As the girls are trying to get a cab to stop, the most resistant friend now cracks… “Come on… we can fit 4 in a taxi, you’re coming with us.”

We get back to their place, I stop the girl on the stairs and we make out.

Now all the sudden my conscience comes into play. For one thing, I’m pretty close to being 100 % clear in the head and it’s absolutely obvious to me that she is not. We get to bed and everything is buzzing inside my head. “Is this really who I am? Is this how I want to show up for other people? How will I feel tomorrow if I go through with this? What if I don’t go through with this?”

I feel really tempted to just give in, … and then I make a choice to NOT follow through. She tries repeatedly and I break off the kiss, then she stops. Once more, she goes in for the kiss, I break it off, she stops. With a soft smile I tell her everything is OK and that she needs to sleep and then I tuck her in. I’m not sure who sleeps first. 

Maybe I’ve gone soft, maybe I just lost my killer gene, … in the situation, I didn’t know how I chose not to give in to the temptation of having casual sex with a woman that wanted nothing else from me.

I looked at her in the morning and smiled as I got dressed to leave. She said she was sorry that she got so drunk and that nothing happened, … as if it was her fault, a lot of stuff was not going right in her life. That’s when it hit me with a flash - I realized what had kept me from escalating the situation as we got into bed.

“It’s ok,” I said. “Everything is cool, … you’re a great person.”

Had I written this post 6 years ago, I would have been cursing myself with every word. However, as I walked home, I felt great in knowing that I am no longer a pickup artist. I am much more than that. I am a free man.