Powerful Connections

When I recently found myself faced with a very important question from a female friend that I hold very dear, I found myself baffled. We talked for a short while and I noticed that she was evading eye contact at certain key points. Now, I’m a no bullshit kind of guy when with friends and I demand complete honesty from those closest to me, so I asked what was going on.

The Question

Honestly, I had no idea how to respond to her next question and I know deep inside that the words that came out of my mouth were both impulsive and completely lame. At least, they were very honest, too. 

The question she put forth was: “Do you have a crush on me?” 

At first, I went inside, as my inner dialogue repeated her question over and over… “Do I have a crush on her?”

If you have read my previous blog post about my friendship with said girl, you will know that flirting for fun has not been banned in our world. Maybe her question was an expression of her feeling that I flirted too much, even though I feel I have gone several miles to underline that I have in deed been holding back, consciously. Maybe it was something else - Maybe something was going on inside of her and not me… I don’t know.

What I do know is that I don’t know, and not knowing is sometimes worth more than knowing.   

The Girl

Had it been any other girl I would have handled the question for what it is in terms of seduction terms; a shit test. But, I have made a promise to myself. A promise that I have extended onto her: I am not a PUA when I am with her. Perhaps this promise is the sole premise of the sanctity I feel in our friendship, which is why it is one I am completely focused on keeping.

In my hierarchy of values she has risen to become one of my most valued friends in no time at all. I have experienced some immense insights over the course of our discussions. Because of it, and due to her unfiltered openness, I hold her at the utmost regard in terms of human quality. In knowing this, I decided to attribute her question to a desire of wanting to keep things 100 % out in the open.

On the other hand… 

The Rules

A friendship of this level of depth with someone of the opposite sex is new to me and - at least that’s my belief - it is unprecedented within my circle of friends, many of whom are some of the most hardcore PUA’s I’ve ever come across. Where I have been in life, friendship with a girl is shallow and has served one of two purposes (or both):

1. Use her as a pivot to meet other girls when out
2. Convert her later and shag her

Those are the RULES that a PUA lives by. Whether your focus is specifically on entourage game or on recovering from a LJBF you did not purposely end up in, these two little sentences are the LAW. 

The Answer

Actually, I have trained, advised or coached the vast majority of the guys I now call friends. The focus has been how to become better at social communication in one way or the other, so I’m not surprised with them pacing me along. I have felt misunderstood with every step of my journey into this friendship with the sole comfort in the knowledge that SHE got it; she saw me. Feeling this deep in my stomache, I responded with a complete disregard of everything I have learned over the last 10 years of being a PUA: 

“Well, I thought you were attractive, and I still do. I have asked myself that same question a few times, and I found out that the attraction is there. However, I have made a conscious choice that I value our friendship a lot more than I would value the thought of escalating the notions of attraction, as I feel that friendships endure longer than relationships. I feel completely comfortable with the way things are right now.” 

How on Earth I came up with that answer I do not know. Things moved along fine after that. I shared, she shared. It was pleasant, and yet I had a distinct feeling that our degree of openness had reduced by a slight margin. Was it all inside of me? Did I overthink her intent? Where did the question really come from? What really happened? I don’t know. 

What I do know is that I don’t know, and not knowing is sometimes worth more than knowing.   

Epilogue

Our conversation moved along and we went our seperate ways. I had a ton of questions racing inside of me, my head was buzzing ominously. Like I was the host of a dark sorceror’s convention or a formula 1 race or something.

I responded briefly to an e-mail she had sent, and she responded yet again with something I clearly interpreted as doubt towards my intent, so I threw back a quick one-liner, yet again attempting to communicate my priorities in our position towards one another.

As I went out that same day, my head was still spinning… I decided to do what I do best and hooked up with a girl. Made out with her to clear my system, took her number. Then, another girl. After that I went to a new place and met 2 more girls. 3 hours had passed by, and I was on my fourth girl. I vaguely remember visions of sexual acts with doubtful quality… I went to a third place, got hammered beyond recognition, and went home.

Sometime during the next day my head cleared. Sticking to my self-imposed identity of a no bullshit kind of guy, I decided to write a quick email, stating my doubts and inner dialogue. Just a brief one, or so I thought. The point: To let her know how much I value our friendship and how stressful I felt about her doubting my intentions, as I felt it hindered me in my freedom towards her. 

I ended up spilling my gutts, thinking to myself: “If anyone can handle it, it’s going to be her.” In fact, I don’t really know that for sure. 

Don’t get me wrong, … I still feel great about my friendship with this girl. Sure, there are certain aspects that I need to look into - I am learning something new with every sunrise these days. There are so many things I do not yet know.

What I do know is that I don’t know, and not knowing is sometimes worth more than knowing.