That’s how I felt yesterday evening.

The Beginning

Over the course of the past 2 months, I entered into a new relationship, and opened up myself to someone I felt a deep connection with. Even though I knew this relationship would be hard work for me on a personal level, I decided to move on ahead beause, well because I felt as if this girl was worth it. My standards are high, and boy… did I end up out-gunned.

The girl, a friend of a friend, I first met by a sidewalk café in June. Cursed with a great memory of defining moments, I can tell you everything she wore, how she had her hair and the exact dialogue we exchanged over the course of 5 minutes. But I wont. I remember thinking to myself after the first encounter that this girl was indeed special. As we got up from the table to walk in the same general direction - she towards her home, me towards my car, I gave her a hug goodbye. I noticed a surprised look on her face, got to my car and thought: “I want to get to know this person a little more.”

A few months later, after having met in the company of our then mutual friend a few times, I popped by for a cup of coffee and what would turn out to be a game of cat and mouse at her place. For the first time ever I felt slightly insecure in the company of a woman. It has been so ever since. She has the ability to keep me guessing, as though she knows exactly how to pose a perpetual challenge to my self-awareness.

This girl has the aura of perfect imperfection written all over her, and I like it. Similar stories, similar perception of what is right and wrong and… well on the surface and well beneath it, I felt her to be a great match to me. Where she needed help, I could and would provide, and… it seemed… the other way ’round.

To top it off, this girl has got to be one of the sexiest people on the planet in the looks department. Grade A photo model, that guys trip over when they see her at a club, or in the supermarket, or at the laundromat. Take your pick.

The Shit Storm

The first 4 weeks with her was amazing, and then… all the sudden… over the course of one beer too many I went and said something to our mutual friend that was unacceptable to her. Not to my woman, but to our friend, who in spite of telling me that it was ok - she just needed a little space - clearly didn’t mean it. She had expressed something far from my values system, and I commented on it in a way she perceived as a full-bodied tackle against her personally (although I did not intend it like this). 

Lesson #1 - If you fuck up relations around your relationship, mend them immediately, even if it seems unfair to you!

Two weeks later, in a period of less than 24 hours, I went and fucked it up in the most amazing way. I could come up with a ton of excuses, and I wont. I’ll stick with: I had a rough week and risked losing a lot of business, … and she was there when I needed to offload. (I do that by almost literally going into a coma). Don’t offload your shit like that Anders, nothing good comes from it. Also, do not ever go out drinking the day before your girlfriend’s birthday. Over the course of her birthday, I felt unwelcome to say the least. I decided to leave and go to a friend that needed me. Later, she sent me a text that she was disappointed with me.  I was busy, so I sent her one back, which was stupid.

Lesson # 2 - Text messages do not work when you need to communicate emotions.

Over the course of the next few days I found myself putting out fires. Everywhere. Friends saying this and that, me doing the wrong things no matter what, and so on and so forth. Over the course of three days we went from “this is over” to “I’m not sure” to “I would, but…” to “I really miss you.”

A friend asked me what else, if not for the birthday situation, could be the source of her standing so steeply on her decision to end our relationship. He answered the question before I could: “Maybe she’s just attracted to that successful, self-empowered guy, and now because of the things with your friend and now this, she is starting to doubt whether or not that is really you?” As it would turn out later, he was spot on in his evaluation.

De-ja-vu

Anyway, I clawed my way back, and we had a go at it one more time. I can’t think of any previous relationship where I felt as much desire to rebuild everything. I realized that I actually tried so hard because I wanted to prove to her that the world is not full of assholes. I was dead certain that, if she’d let me, I’d spend the rest of my days on this planet proving to her that I would be the one to allow her to acknowledge that she had been wrong. Guys, that’s a clear cut danger sign right there, and I strongly suggest that - if you cannot put other words on your motivation in a similar situation in the future - you get out immediately.

I suddenly found myself in a talk with another friend, where I was reminded of a girl I entered into a relationship with some 7 years ago. I remember thigs going bad. I remember how hard I worked against the odds. I remember how she changed her mind, told me to come by, and as I was well on the freeway, sent me a text and told me to not call her ever again. I remember feeling devastated, much as I do right now.

It was not pretty, I’ll tell you that much. And that’s where my ominous feeling grew on me all the sudden.

Lesson # 3 - If your gutt tells you, you need to attend to something - always fix whatever that is first.

The Final Call

So, back to yesterday, when I received her call… I had stayed over the night before, we had talked about another very important issue to her - which is one I cannot do anything about right now: My participation in the TV show “Singleliv.” Somehow, in some way, I got the feeling that I was an embarrassment to her. She felt that she had to take hits from her friends about it, and it was quite clear to me that she didn’t really know how to manage it, especially now that there were all of these other things going on inside of her.

My ominous feeling grew to extreme dimensions. That night I didn’t sleep for more than an hour in total. I felt sad and worried. How could I prove to her that I was truly sorry for the events on her birthday, other than the secret plan I was cooking up for the upcoming weekend? How could she not understand that a relationship is fixed between us, and not between us and our friends? How could I get her to understand the driving factor in me going on that TV show?

Come morning I looked like shit. We parted ways. She sent me a few positive messages during the day, then - silence for six hours before she called me in the evening. Two hours of talk, and then she invited me to call her back if I had anything else to add. I did, the phone rang once, then doo-doo-doo-doo. I took a piss and got back to my phone. Two immediate text messages with uppercase letters were waiting for me. Immediately I decided to get in my car and drive out to see her (I had already decided that 20 minutes into the call, but now it was even more important than before).

Lesson # 4 - When things go bad in your relationship, take immediate action to make them right again.

The End

Guys, take my word for it: When a super hot girl flashes that she is desired by 10-20 guys every night she goes out, and her looks backs those words, you will want to know this: You only get one shot early on, so tread wisely.

As I stood there in her kitchen, her first response was to smile. Not a warm smile at that, more of a “you’re a fucking idiot, stay your distance or I will fuck you up” kind of smile.  Or perhaps it was a “This is over, why are you in my kitchen” kind of smile.

We exchanged words, and I was close to tears, due to the frustration that she would not let me stay inside of her heart, now that I had opened mine up to her. In that moment, for the first time since I met her, I consciously thought of myself as being selfish. And yet, I didn’t want her to be in pain.

She of course had her logic in place and kept pulling out new reasons for us to not be together every time we had flipped to the backside of one reason.

My frustration kept growing. She could see that I really wanted to be with her. She knew I was observing what she needed from me, so that I could provide it for her. She acknowledged having feelings for me, but she was putting them aside. “FOR WHAT REASON?” I screamed inside myself. Pride? Principle? To never ever expose herself to the risk of being hurt? I was striking blows into the air, feeling as if the pillowcase was now surrounding me completely.

For some reason she starts busting a tear. My interpretation was that she was torn apart inside, between the heart (the tears) and the pride (new arguments every time one was successfully processed). I knew at this point that no matter how I responded to whatever she came up with, she would be driven to come up with even more “logical” reasons to stand by her decision. And I know now that I chose the wrong course of action, as she asked me to leave.

I left.

As I got home, I sent her a text, telling her that she shouldn’t beat herself up about it. I left because I felt as if I was throwing punches into the air. I was fighting her past, her pride and her desire not to commit - and none of these things are in my control. I was on a downward slope fighting against her desire to get a real action-man that has everything going for him. And she would not give me the time to turn things back around.

I gave it my best shot to address the secondary gains behind her clinging on to pride and principle - and I was fighting a lost cause. So I left because, in any given situation that is not perfect, you always have three options:

1. Accept things as they are.
2. Change things into the way you want them.
3. Leave things behind.

That lesson is key.

• The Shoulder Tap
• The Finger Tap
• Hand on Waist
• The Compliance Test
• The Finger Pull
• The Belly Rub
• The Rapport Mis-Match

These moves are all very subtle and, when done correctly, undetectable on a conscious level as seductive moves. If you are new to seduction and PUA terminologies, KINO is defined as “physical touch of someone” and it is one of – if not THE most important – non-verbal communication aspects of the PUA.

One of the commenter’s over at PUA Lingo duly notes that I left out the touch of the biceps, and that this move is also extremely powerful as stroking a biceps gently releases sexual neurons. I agree, it is indeed strongly related to the argument I state for using the Belly Rub. However, I do not use that move myself, I personally opt for the triceps.

To me, the triceps area is more accessible when standing, and since my KINO moves are all about stealth, that’s where my choices have brought me. Also, the triceps move is one I save for later stages; (very) gently stroking a woman over her triceps is so intimate that it has caused a lot of women to get shivers down their spine.
When I use it socially, it is usually the last thing I do before entering the make-out stages of interaction. When alone, it almost takes on a foreplay introduction role.

The “Corkscrew” Move

The “corkscrew” is one of my most “secret” moves that is KINO related which, up until now, I have only taught the clients I coach in-field. It’s a move mainly designed for optimizing set position, and it’s usable in both bar, club and street environments. I first learned about the basic move from witnessing the legendary Croatian PUA “BadBoy” as he was in action and refined it later on using aspects of the foot-sweep technique from Karate.

The ingredients of this move are very simple. All it requires is feet positioning, hands around her waist and the turn of your head.

You’ll want to use the corkscrew if, for one reason or the other, you want to turn another person away from something or someone without that person ever noticing it – which is why I mainly use this move on the street, where the most important logistical thing to do in the first minute or two is to get your target turned in the opposite direction in the attempt to divert her focus away from where she was going, thereby making it easier for yourself to carry the first crucial moments of conversation.

How to do a “Corkscrew”

The move is simply demonstrated “live” – I’ll see if I can’t get up a video for you. For now though, let me explain it in writing:

Person A (you) and Person B (the girl) are standing next to each other, facing in the same direction, bodies slightly pointed towards each other. Person B is standing to your right. When you normally stand like this, your feet are planted next to each other.

You can get her to turn by asking questions and pointing backwards, at first with your right hand, then with both hands or your left hand (over your right shoulder) – assuming the rapport is good, she will follow your gestures and you will effectively turn and face the opposite direction, her now to your right. That’s the “old school” way of doing it, and it works many times however, it’s obvious and it’s try-hard. I don’t do try-hard, and I don’t do obvious.

Start as you would with slight KINO (touch of arm or shoulder) as you move closer. Move your right foot back one step, then go for the waist, but:

Instead of moving your right foot back, planting it next to her left foot, step it in right behind her and plant the inside of your right foot no more than an inch from the inside of her left heel. Your foot must be on the inside of her foot, effectively locking in the two of you together. Avoid touching her foot as this would otherwise direct her attention to you making a move.

Position recap: Your right hand around her waist, your right foot positioned inside her left foot.

Now what you do is both simple and sneaky: Instead of the “old school” way, you move your head to your left as you are talking and take a step back with your left foot, and turn your right foot until it touches her left foot. Keep your hand on her waist to create a slight pressure point that will direct her to move forward. However, “forward” in this position is converged on your “corkscrew center” (your feet) and you are effectively using your head turning left to turn your torso, which then directs your right arm to apply pressure to her waist whilst supporting her at the same time, causing her to “circle” the center.

Keep your right foot planted on the ground as you move, only lift it if you sense that she is in an uncomfortable position (or to avoid twisting your knee!). If the girl does not circle around the center of the corkscrew, lift the front of your right foot and gently touch her foot with your toes (because you are moving your head, she will not consciously notice the foot touch, but she WILL move).

This technique works because of the slight pressure and very solid lock-in, combined with the fact that you are turning your head away as you speak. To make it dead-sure, only turn your head mid-sentence, and preferably as you are asking her a question, as this will engage her more.

Mastering the corkscrew will enable you to turn anyone in any social setting; it works extremely well on the street if your rapport work is good, and it’s also a lot of fun to do wingmen mirror versions.

Now, go out there and un-screw some corks!

Oh, PS: If you are dying to read about the moves I mention in the introduction of this article, feel free to visit the original PUA Lingo article.

Thanks to all of you that have been following the blog, and sending me email with questions to articles and requests for specific articles from my hand!

Thanks to those of you that have started linking to the site and spreading the word about it in your social circles.

I do realize that the frequency of newly added articles has dropped a bit as of late. That’s only because 2009 has been a very turbulent year for me - professionally as well as in my personal life. I do apologize for letting all of these unforeseen events impact the blog posting frequency, and I can guarantee you that I will do my best to ensure that you will be able to read fresh content here at least twice a month in 2010.

That being said, here are some brief highlights from this blog:

• On average there was a new article every two weeks as targeted.
• Our daily page views have grown by 300 % compared to January 2009.
• According to Google Analytics, we have a good deal of loyal readers.
• Several big PUA sites have started linking to some of the quality articles found here.
• I’ve been invited to guest blog for 7 different PUA and NLP related blogs, 2 of them MAJOR sites.

The only place where I am not so happy, is the comments section. I find that very few comments are dropped. On some sites that’s quite alright but, I don’t want my blog to be a one-way-street. As I always write back to you on e-mail when you comment through that media - what have the rest of the world’s readers done? share your thoughts with everyone.

In other words:

• If you like an article, post a comment and stting whay and what you like, and pass it along to your friends
• If you dislike an article, post a comment stating why and what you dislike, and pass it along to your friends
• If you think I’m full of B.S. send me an email or post a comment and prepare for my wrath - naaaah, just kidding.

Here’s to a great 2010!

Anders

Their platform of choice? What else, if not Facebook!

This, and the fact that my team and I are currently developing a 6-month personal transformation program that launches through Denmark-based online dating sites in the first quarter of 2010, has sparked my curiosity on the subject. We signed one of the best online dating dominators in Denmark to cover this specific section of our transformation program, and I have to say: The advice he provides in his guide is GOLDEN.

So I started thinking… maybe a blog article on the topic “How to Use Facebook & Other Social Media to Rake in Tons of Girls” would be a nifty little thing to add to the site, and I began to do some research. After all, in this world you advance by action, and where else would you go, if not Google!

If you google well - I did - you will come by a site called MatchBook Method - At this place they promise you a sure-fire system that will let you hook up with 1 in 3 girls you contact.

Through thoroughly tested copy / paste messages, combined only with a little spice of your own… Wow!

I am basically linking out to MBM because, well, I signed up for their freebie and I’m not dissapointed. And trust me when I tell you, I am very picky when it comes down to external recommendations! 

Both the advice of my online dating specialist and that of MatchBook look, sound, taste and smell alike; they are both brilliant in each their own way, and since our own guide is a) not ready for the public until next quarter, and b) not translated into English until summer 2010, I strongly recommend that you check out MatchBook and get their “Message to Meet” handbook with complete copy / paste messages for every conceivable Facebook situation!

All in all, this site holds a lot more of information on the topic of Online Dating than I can ever provide you with - so a link to them is warranted by all measures!

And yes, A.J., the main driver behind the MatchBook Method, provides a full and complete money back guarantee, so it’s a no-risk deal for you if you decide to check out the “Message to Meet” handbook. If you want to boost your online dating skills, go ahead and check it out. I trust you will find it to be well worth your time!

Here’s to your online dating success!

Anders Tryka

I call this post Part II, because I want to introduce you to how to combine basic cold reading with some of the other basic skills that some of the great PUA’s I know apply either consciously or unconsciously. If you’re experienced in the art of seduction, you might think to yourself that it looks pretty basic, and yes, it does indeed. Go beneath the surface.

Cold Reads – How they work

You may remember the simple structure from PUA Cold Reads Part I

You come up with a read – if they say ”yes,” you say: ”Yes, AND [any statement].”

If, on the other hand, they say ”no,” you quickly say ”BUT [oppositely directed statement].”

Now there’s nothing exceptional about that in and of itself. But, let’s break down exactly how it works:

YES: The ”AND” links the next statement to the first statement using causality logic. ”and that’s why – and because of / and if X – then Y”

It becomes easier for your mind to accept my second suggestion, because it is directly linked to the initial cold read, isn’t it?

NO: The word ”BUT” effectively negates your previous statement. A follow-up with a statement in an opposite direction will improve your odds of hitting a ”YES.”

When you get a ”no,” timing is critical. Many people begin cold reading and experience that it doesn’t work, because they leave the ”no” hanging in the air for far too long, before they come up with a ”BUT x…” - follow through quickly. Say the word BUT, and then trust your unconscious mind to come up with something brilliant. Trust that your unconscious mind knows exactly what to do, and you will have a lot of fun with cold reads.

Examples from the real world

You will notice that I combine several communication aspects in my interactions, such as proximity game, setting up compliance frames, discrete prizing, implied openers, push/pull and lots more that is weaved into the cold reads. That’s why seduction as an art is not easy to master inside: It’s a combination of techniques – rather than a range of quick fix solutions.

A friend of mine threw a batchelor party some time back, and in the late hours of the day, we toured the bars in his town. One of his friends was very curious about how it actually plays out when a PUA goes to work, and after some deep discussion with him, I got up from our table and went to the bar to get a refill. I notice a very beautiful girl standing there and position myself right next to her and start working my proximity (link) thing.

The second time she glances at me and turns back I tap her shoulder. She smiles as she looks at me.

ME: ”You know, I’m a no bullshit kind of guy, and I always make it a point to give credit where credit is due. Thank you.”

her: ”What did I do?”

ME: ”That’s exactly it – you haven’t done anything yet. I just noticed you sitting on the chair.”

her: ”Erhm, OK?”

ME: ”Yeah. I can’t help myself, I just have to tell you that you seem like a person that really cares about other people. You have an authentic glow to you that I cannot put into words.”

Her: [blushes]

ME: ”Yes, AND, that’s something I really appreciate in people. It tells me you are a person that loves your life, AND you love people for who they really are.”

Her: ”Gee…” [all lamps are fired up] ”Thanks!”

ME: ”Anyway, I have to go sit with my friends some more, I just thought I’d tell you that you made my day a whole lot better.”

[note: I could have carried it a lot further before walking off, and I didn't – Simply because I love to leave cliff-hangers in a room]

I give her a nudge on the shoulder and head back to our table without looking back. My friend is fired up, … She checked me out without looking away for a second until moments after I sat down. Shortly after this I chatted up another girl at the same venue.

ME: ”You look like a NAAAAUGTHY girl.”

Her: ”I do?” (says the mouth – body says ”no”)

ME: ”But at the same time I get this vibe from you… It’s like you’re a very strong person putting on a game face to lure in guys that are insecure.”

Her: ”Hmmm, maybe!” (that’s a ”yes”)

ME:”Yeah, and that’s why I have a really good feeling about you being able to sense the intentions of other people. I bet you I can guess what you do for a living.”

Her: ”Really? OK, take a guess?”

Me: ”With that profile, I bet you work at McDonald’s!”

Her: [rolls eyes]

Me: ”Hahaha, I’m kidding. Seriously, your hands are too nice for a McDonald’s girl. You can be my secretary – you look like you know how to use a computer for other stuff than facebook updates.”

[note: I do not negate with a BUT, instead I open up a push/pull roleplay thread. Right now I have 6 threads to use anywhere in the conversation: strong persona definitions, why we put on a game face, insecure guys, sensing intentions (which indirectly implies that she senses MY intentions), McDonald's and facebook.]

I submitted an oath when I was certified in NLP that I would only use my influencing skills …  I will not go into further details on how one could combine the cold reads with sleight of mouth or other patterns, as I have seen many guys do this without any respect for the girls they talk with. However, lots of other people have written something about sleight of mouth and patterning, and if you really want to get freaky with the topic of conversational persuasion skills, I recommend that you read what persuasion expert Jian Wang has to say on the topic:

Check out “How to Hypnotically Influence Other People”, this guy has a lot of interesting and seduction parallel stuff packed into his material.

Make this day a great one!

My heart began to race as the rain poured down on me. Such greatness lies in feeling uncertain that I cannot sit still. I had to move. I had to walk. How could I escape my own shadow, were it not for the darkness? I almost felt the urge to run. 

Things are not the way I want them to be, and in such instances I have only 3 choices:

I can accept my situation and embrace it; I can seek to change it, or I can leave it all behind.

The thick raindrops grew stronger, and felt heavier with each stride. All the sudden I felt doubtful like never before. Was it only raindrops, or were there some tears mixed in with them as well?

I have learned that my greatest enemy is pride. My pride, and the pride of other people. Pride is what we pull out when we justify a decision that we have made, even though we have already realized, at some point of consciousness, that the decision is dead wrong. You know what kind of pride I’m talking about here, right?

Thomas Jefferson once said that an injured friend will grow into the bitterest of foes. I have come to the understanding that one of my friends is injured. I have offered what I perceived the best form of remedy. My friend was injured due to my bad judgement. It came to my attention that not was all well, like my friend had told me. I was sad, then angry that my friend would not tell me this directly to my face.

As I thought it through, anger turned to disappointment. Not about my friend’s words, but about the fact that my friend would not even contribute me even the most basic amount of goodness and say things to my face. And then, sadness kicked in once again.

All things happen for a reason. The raindrop told me that as it hit my face.

I do not know what the future will bring, and I cannot live in the past. Worries are all about fear of something that has not yet happened or about something in the past that we cannot change anyway. We need to live in the moment, don’t we? 

These rainy thoughts of mine were sparked by a course of action that hurt another person’s feelings, and I cannot explain how I came up with that choice. The rain couldn’t either.

The term “chivalry” is derived from the French word “cheval” - In English: Horse. And yet, I so desperately want to be a knight in shining armour. How funny is that?

I know that the world I live in is a direct result of the choices I make. I also believe that I am capable of learning through feedback given to me based on these choices, and I believe with all my heart that everyone deserves the chance to prove that they can learn.

But the raindrops didn’t agree with me.

In some relationships, you only get one shot. To some, it’s not an option to provide a second chance. Many of us miss out on a great deal as we seek to protect ourselves from being hurt. I should know - I have lived my life like this for way too long. I have been proud. I have been hurt, and I have inflicted hurt upon others.

In other words: I have lived.

Ironic isn’t it? In life, we choose pain to avoid feeling hurt.

And so, I thought about changing my situation. To be chivalrous.  To proclaim my undying devotion through all sorts of heroic deeds.  My mind came up blank.

The raindrops didn’t help me.

As I stood there, drenched in water, I found myself in a position where I could actually have done something of great valor. And so, I chose to do the most chivalrous deed I could think of. I felt proud as I helped an old lady cross the street in the rain, before fighting my way back home.

“The motto of chivalry is also the motto of wisdom; to serve all, but love only one.”

- Honore de Balzac

I used to be a pickup artist. I used to believe in an analytical approach towards communication with women. Actually, I used to celebrate my ”wins” by writing field reports about them. Sure, I said to other people that it was all about measuring my development but, in truth, it was really all about bragging. PUA’s at that time (10-6 years ago) respected PUA’s that got laid a lot. 6 years ago I got bored with it all. I stopped thinking about seduction as a hardcore skill you could learn, and began loving the people around me.

At that point in time I experienced personal freedom for the first time in my life. I was 26 years old.

My career was a crazy journey of success and not many people understood me when I quit my job in 2007 to become a coach.

I took some NLP training and began coaching in two directions that are actually 90 % identical: Seduction, and… Sales. Some professional coaches have met me with a frown. How could Seduction coaching be serious!?!? I missed out on 1.000’s of dollars in business coaching due to prejudiced attitudes towards the seduction community. The losses only heightened my motivation to make a difference in the world, and today I’m a very public figure in the Danish media. They call me ”The Dating Coach.” - Some even refer to me as ”the ‘Hitch’ of Denmark.”

But, I am not a pickup artist even though I have 10 years of experience with the pickup artist lifestyle. I am a guy that loves people. And for some reason, a lot of people love me back. Therein lies my personal freedom.

How universally free are you?

I find it ever so interesting to be in the company of people that are experiencing hard times ”because of the financial crisis.” So many people in this world have dreams about what they want to become, about the life they want to build. And none-the-less, most of us do not get there. We need to blame someone or something for where we are today, and what could possibly be better than to point your index finger at something as abstract as the ”financial crisis.”

Or what about guys that are unhappy because they are single for some reason… Have you ever heard the phrase ”If only I had good looks.” - Or maybe you know guys that think their success in hooking up with new women is related to their money or status in general. And since they may not have that yet, they attribute their lack of success to it.

Here’s an interesting conclusion of a research article I read recently: It is possible to observe and break down a conversation of a couple and then with 95 % accuracy, to predict whether or not that couple will break up within a 14 year period. I kid you not! Personally, as an experienced NLP coach and hypnotherapist I was astonished to read about how easy it was to predict that a couple would break up – or not.

Ever since I accidentally stumbled upon websites and email newsgroups related to the Pickup Artist movement 10 years ago, I have grown and evolved with the entailed principles. The PUA beliefs were acknowledged, accepted and adopted, and I set forth on a journey through a new world. The journey was amazing, not only with women.

On top of that my coaching and NLP training have taught me that we are all responsible for each and every result we have achieved in our life. So, if this is true, how can it be possible to predict an outcome of all relationships with a 95 % degree of certainty?

To answer that question, I’d like to invite you to consider the tagline of my NLP trainer, Steve Linder at SRI Coaching:

The world demands results, not excuses – which will you deliver?

The above tagline directly adresses one of our key meta models; being at cause vs. being at the effect. I bring this to your attention now, as I believe that you will be able to increase your personal freedom massively once you consciously understand and address this single meta model on a daily basis.

When we are at the effect, we are coming up with external excuses to explain why we are where we are today. A key tip-off is the word ”because” I.E.

• You make me feel angry because you show up late.
• She makes me feel sad because she laughs at me.

… or it could be something like:

• The financial crisis makes me feel hopeless about my options.

Overall, only 5 % of us are consistantly at cause in our own lives. It seems a lot EASIER for us to blame someone else for our situation than it does to take responsibility for it. I mean, seriously, when was the last time you had a thought like one of the above, only to stop in your tracks and ask yourself:

• How does her showing up late cause you to CHOOSE to feel angry?
• How does her laughing at you cause you to CHOOSE to feel sad?
• How SPECIFICALLY does the financial crisis cause you to CHOOSE to feel hopeless?

Yeah, I know, … it almost seems too simple, right? Well, these questions allow you to recover what choice you made. You become aware that since you had a choice, you could also have chosen something else. All choices about how you feel can be remade when you want to start thinking differently about things. Maybe you want to do it now or in a minute, that’s all up to you. Just as long as you understand that you are in charge of your mind and emotions which, in turn, drive the results you get in life.

As you now understand this concept, you may or may not find yourself asking new questions that will help drive you forward. Questions like: ”How can I choose to feel good about her showing up late?” or ”what other choices do I have that will drive me forward?” - I don’t know what questions you will be coming up with… It’s totally up to you.

The most important choice in my life

The second part of this article is also the concept I base my entire business model on, regardless of the type of coaching I deliver. Once again, let me direct you to Steve Linder, who said it with crystal clarity:

It’s not about making a living, but making a difference.

All in all, I believe I am where I am today because I have gotten up everyday of my life for the past few years with the thought: ”How will I make a positive difference in the world today?”

I do not think about selling – I focus on how I can help my (potential) client achieve his or her desired outcome.

I do not compromise on this focus and to me, the financial crisis never existed. My business actually grew by more than 100 % over the past year. Some say it’s because I’m a great coach. I say I deliver great coaching because I care about making a difference.

The same goes for seduction. Whenever I meet a woman that I engage in a conversation with, I focus on how I can make a positive impact; a positive difference in her life. If I witness something that would have made me nervous or sad in the old days, I simply ask myself one simple question:

Which external event sparked this response from the other person?

In fact, this is the answer to how it is possible to predict the outcome of long-term relationships. From the second we meet our partner, we form patterns that we base our relationship on. Patterns that can be destructive or constructive. Patterns that can make or break our shared world in the long run. We are not necessarily aware of the patterns themselves but we do see the symptoms of them. And that’s when we choose to be at the effect of the symptoms. We solve one symptom, then another comes to our attention. We solve that one, only to find yet another one. It’s like trying to keep your computer clear of viruses when maybe you should be looking at which of the sites you are browsing that may put you at risk, right?

So here’s my take on what you can choose to do instead

I remember that I choose to make a positive impact on other people. I remember that life is full of surprises and yet, no matter what, the sun will always come up in the East the following morning. All people are worthy of your respect, even if they perform shitty actions. It’s never personal. It’s always about your actions. You can change your actions and, as you focus on making a difference, your actions will be directed towards exactly that.

These are the universal truths that define my manifesto. Maybe you’re the curious type. If so, you’re welcome to try this mindset on for a while. Some other, very successful people I know have done exactly that – and they won’t give it back!

Here’s to you making a difference in your life with every breath,

Anders

Sure, over the course of this particular episode you see me engaged in conversation with 2 (two) people outside of my circle of friends. Sure, you see me NOT hooking these, and sure… one could frame that as “failure.” Be that as it may, for you to fully comprehend why I was appalled with the framing of the cut material, I need to explain some of the stuff that went on behind the camera. In hindsight, it’s hilarious!

First of all, this episode was part two of a full night in the company of good friends, that was supposed to be a poker night followed by a night out on the town.

Second, the agenda for the night was to have fun - I never go out to pick up chicks, it just happens when I have fun. In fact, the only person with an agenda of me intentionally picking up chicks was the TV journalist. And her big mistake - out of several that night - was to not share that agenda with me until I had gotten so fed up with her attempt to manipulate me that I almost blew up in her face and told the camera crew to piss off.

The Star vs. The Newcomer

In case you were wondering what it’s like to run around with a camera with flashing lights right behind your face, it’s hardcore as hell! No, Anders Tryka the Dating Coach featured on “Singleliv” did not get laid on camera this time around. In fact, the episode is very, very thin in terms of social interaction.

Compared to the “star” of the TV show - a guy that calls himself Sidney Lee; purposely framed as a total dickhead that everyone loves to hate - I was as exciting as getting home from a nightclub with a girl that has a penis. For crying out loud, in that very same episode the guy goes on a date with a girl, and the most interesting thing he can think of is to introduce her to three of his ex girlfriends… at the same time… because he is sitting with them as his new date arrives. INTENTIONALLY (!!!!!!!!!)

Yes! Sidney Lee is so far away from the real world that he is a GENIOUS! And, to top it off, this genious whips out an article from gossip magazine #1 in which they have an article about how he once upon a time used to date a stripper. Let me repeat my last remark: Sidney Lee is a GENIOUS!

Oh, and by the way, if you think girls with penises are exciting: Get your head examined!

The Plan vs. The Hidden Manuscript

The plan of the evening was to hook up at my place at 8 and then play poker until midnight. After that we would go out to one of our favorite bars and hang out - that’s what we do! However, the TV journalist from “Singleliv” had other plans… “Anders, we have to finish shooting by midnight, because I need to travel a long distance tomorrow morning.”

This meant that our poker evening SUCKED, because we HAD to be done by 9, so we could be at a bar at 9:30! Also, I had to buy PIZZA’s for the guys all the sudden, because they had to show up so early, and because of the hectic re-planning followed by eating we couldn’t focus on the poker game. And, since I had chosen the bar out of knowledge of what happens at around midnight, it in turn meant that we showed up way too early at a place that had less than 15 guests, including our group of 6 people! (If you watch the episode, you will not get this idea, since they have very intelligently edited the footage in such a way that you only see takes of the people at the bar from the last 30 minutes before midnight. )

Of course, there’s also the whole hidden agenda thing. She really applied her finest attempts to “move” (manipulate) me into taking action and approaching without the slightest respect for me or my values. At some point during her attempts I remember thinking: “They couldn’t care less about who I am. All they want from me is a new Sidney Lee, and nobody will ever again take me seriously if I compromise my core values to satisfy their needs.”

Our BIIIG Night Out

We had fun, most of the time. Were it not for the pesty little journalist that first tried to push me into approaching three apparent minors. Of course, since this move would be so far out of character for me, much to her disappointment, I declined her constant attempts to make me dance like a monkey. (If you’re a PUA, you’ll enjoy that reference!)

As the minutes passed, the impatience of the journalist kept growing: “Something needs to happen. We can’t just show you having fun with the guys. Approach some people.” I looked at her and said: “Who the FUCK do you expect me to approach!?!? I TOLD YOU this place would SUCK this time of night if your intention is to film me picking up women. No WAY you will get me to approach minors or those old farts.”

The evening went on, a few more people arrived. One of my friends walked up to a pretty girl by the bar and what ensued would be the theme of the evening: After talking with this girl for less than TEN seconds (where her face had lit up, my friend is a master at seducing women…) the camera crew were LITTERALLY in her FACE across the friggin’ BAR COUNTER!!! She, of course, saw the camera - and RAN off to sit with her friends! My friend was furious, and asked me to “tell those fucking socially incompetent idiots to get the fuck off of his radar” or he would begin to be less than pleasant towards them.

My frustration was growing. I wanted to show the social side of me but, not by sacrificing my ideals about who and why I approach. On top of that, I had to deal with Miss Hidden Agenda from Hell, who had now moved on in attempt to influence me indirectly through my friends. One of them came up to me and told me that I needed to step up to get my rep up because “she was starting to think I had trouble performing in front of the camera.” I covered my microphone (the camera crew could hear everything I said whenever I didn’t do that) and replied: “This is not about performing for the camera, it’s about having fun. It’s not about MY performance, it’s about their incompetence.”

But in reality, it wasn’t. It was about us not being used to talking to other people with a camera (including night lighting) less than 2 feet from our faces in every interaction. I know the camera crew had been in similar situations before, … but… not with PUA’s that rely on stealth and seeming anonymous. At this point in time ONE semi good-looking girl had planted her feet at that place, and by now I was so fed up with the journalist that my only thoughts were “maybe!” - And then, little miss congeniality had the balls to accuse my friends of trying to intentionally obstruct her “documentation” of life… “Every time we film them (your friends) with girls they turn away. Work with them!” ……….. aaaaaaand that’s when, at the point of realizing that her agenda was not to portray ME but instead to frame me as a pure 80-approaches-per-night PUA, my  “maybe” turned into “hell no woman!”

Desperate to get a “money shot” before leaving, the TV journalist asked me to open a group of cute girls just before midnight… The place is getting packed… And now I put the hammer to the nail: “You mean that little red-head over there..? I don’t know if you can recall that you and your camera team actually caused her to RUN away from an interesting conversation with my friend. I won’t be the one to embarass either her or me on national television by putting her in that situation again.” She responds by wheeling her way over to the group of girls to “soften them up” - they’re actually trained to do that… and she returns, saying: “You’re right. They don’t mind being in the background but they do not wish to be in our show.” (Geeeeee, REALLY?!?!?)

Epilogue

I learned something extremely important that evening. About who I am and how I act under pressure. And above all, I am strengthened in my understanding of the importance of staying true to your core values. In all fairness to the production company: In spite of their desires to frame me as a womanizer and ONLY as a dating coach (both against my wishes by the way), I actually feel good about the way I am portrayed on “Singleliv” so far.

The guys and I moved on to new locations after the camera crew had left us - and I did meet a few cute girls that night. None of them had penises… Although one of them was hanging out with an ex-boyfriend. Too bad his name wasn’t Sidney Lee.

Obviously, on a TV show like ”Singleliv” the above description makes a lot of sense to the producers. It’s dramatic. It’s full of paradox. It’s enticing. Alluring even. It makes you curious.

When they approached me and asked if I would be interested in joining the show, I thought it over a few times.

What’s My Background?

I have been on TV and in newspapers several times before, and I know that even the best of intentions are at risk of being cut by an editor focused on creating drama. That being said, these are the deeper layers of my ”story” Throughout my career, first in the IT industry as a sales rep, then as a coach, I have been fighting against the odds, let me give you a few examples of what I mean by that:

• Executives would deem me to young to do what I was qualified to do.
• The media would attempt to label me as manipulative and scheming.
• Business partners would refrain from using me as a sub-contractor out of fear of what their customers would say if they googled me.
• Women, upon realizing that I use part of my time as a pickup coach, would bail on me.

I have learned through my training in NLP that the second you judge someone, you lose all ability to influence them. Anders Tryka the dating coach, as seen on ”Singleliv,” is a whole lot more than what 8 minutes of TV once per week will show you.

Through all of the feedback in my life, I have prevailed. Over the past two years I have coached hundreds of people with the sole intent of enabling them to shift their focus towards leading a happy and rewarding life, not just for themselves – but also to add value and joy to the lives of others. I have managed to maintain and develop strong relationships to several business customers that come back for my coaching or consulting, time and time again. I have a strong circle of friends I would walk through hell to protect. I believe I have met a special person that I connect with on level like I never have before.

No matter what you may choose to perceive as your own truth about me, this is my truth: Deep inside I am a happy person that enjoys life. Over the years I have helped hundreds of guys meet and provide great experiences to tons of people in their lives. I thank you all for that blessing.

My Point?

Actually, that is my real motivation for accepting the invitation to be on ”Singleliv.” I hope to prove that you do not have to appeal to the lowest common denominator in order for you to be featured on a TV show. My intent was to show who I am behind the dating coach label.

I know that in being a “regular” on the TV show “Singleliv” I risk trash-talking, losing business customers and whatnot. So be it. In the end, I trust that my friends are full of integrity and stand up for me as I do for them, you see…

Someone I deeply respect and admire told me that it’s OK for a guy to flirt with girls, even if he is out with his girlfriend. As long as he remembers to check in with her, take time out to really ”feel” her and then squeeze her hand if he senses she has a bad day. Beautiful words from a person I hold in the highest regard.

All I’m asking from my friends and those of you that I have helped, either by my words on this or other media, my coaching or as your dedicated friend, is to get a squeeze in the hand from you now and then, in the highly unlikely event that I should be having a bad day.

Is that too much too ask?

In the right hands, cold reads can be extremely powerful. It’s a lot more fun to point your seduction gun at a girl and spit out bullets of intrigue, than it is to ramble on and on about someone else’s routine, too. Consider the people that read their horoscopes every week and go “Damn! That is so close to ME one should think the writer KNEW me!” Of course, the writer doesn’t know you at all. Instead he or she merely relies on two general techniques, 1) Communicating at an abstract level, and 2) “cold feeds.”

Quak fortune tellers (are any of them authentic?) rely on the same principles. However, the abstract communication is now shaped more as “cold reads.”

What are the definitions of cold reads then? The question is very simple to answer, and this technique is extremely easy to master in a very short time span. Over the years I have witnessed many aspiring PUA’s that rely on this one simple communication technique to move their conversations forward. Girls will go all fuzzy and warm inside when done right, some will want you badly, and all will think you have supernatural people-reading skills.

And in fact, you do possess those skills. But, cold reading is not the skill itself, it’s the communication channel of that skill set.

Imagine what will ensue when you are able to walk up to another person and have that person smile an authentic and deep smile after less than two minutes, all while he or she is thinking “wow… this guy is amazing!” Well, I know how I would handle that situation - and I’m pretty sure you’d be able to work with it as well. If you have been following my blog for a while, you’ll know exactly what to do.

The process is extremely simple, in fact, it’s so simple it hurts! For now, I’ll walk you through the very soft version to get you started:

1. Make an abstract statement about the other person I.E. “I can tell you’re the sort of person that really enjoys life.”
2. If the person says “yes” or anywhere along those lines, you say: “Yes, AND…” - if the persons says “no,” you say “BUT…”
3. You make another statement about that person. If she said yes, make it more specific than the last one. If she says no, make it a more abstract one.

There you have it - that’s the general structure of cold reads! Amazingly simple, and yet one of the most powerful and fun-to-use communication methods in the seduction - and fortune telling - world.

In PUA Cold Reads - Part II I will walk you through some more advanced cold read stuff and show you exactly how the cold read technique works through examples of some of the cold reads I have done with great success in the past.