Powerful Connections

One of the key observations made about my style as a pickup artist (PUA), or my PUA tactics if you will, when it comes to approaching women is that I do not approach very often. In fact, when I was made aware of this observation, I realized that I hardly ever approach at all. On the contrary: I have a huge tendency to run proximity game strategies.

“Proximity-gobbledygook-dedoo??” you might choose to say here.

What is “Proximity game?”

Proximity game is a term used when you only game those that are in your immediate proximity, once you have established a stronghold, a camp, a base somewhere - I.E. at a bar, club or café. “Well, isn’t that what we normally do Anders?” 

Proximity game vs. Regular game characteristics

Yes. We have conversations with people that are in our immediate vicinity. Obviously, doh… One key difference with proximity game is that you do not seek out the conversation until the other parties have positioned themselves close to you. Another key differentiator between proximity game and regular PUA gung-ho approaching is that in having established your base and thereby territorial marking, your starting hand just grew in strength. As people are moving onto your territory (as opposed to the other style where you’re moving onto the turf of others), they effectively open themselves up to submitting to your rules.

In a regular PUA approach there are several dos and don’ts to allow for one to manipulate with the illusion of the power of territorial marking. We have social pressure tactics, we effectively search for opportunities to introduce break-states to allow us to lock-in, we work with shock and awe tactics and lots more. When running proximity game however, we basically have no need to do any of these things - we simply rely on the concept of social code of conduct that is derived from our basic instinct to respect territorial markings. At worst you will have to open once - once only. The rest of the time, you will merely be communicating rules of engagement inside your territory, under the established illusion that they are opening you.

Also, when used to full effect, proximity game plans become tools to generate lots of latent opportunities for later use. People enter our proximity, have a great conversatin, leave to join up with other people and smile at you once you decide to get on your feet and short-set for visible social proof or whatever it is you decide to do. 

How a proximity gamer works

Basically, all a proximity game plan looks like is the following:

1. Go to a place with mixed logistical possibilities, I.E. dance-floors with lounge area next to them, bars with separate smoking areas, anywhere with a lounge area is great.
2. Head towards the lounge area. (Or, the bar… I love doing this at the bar - but that’s a variant that deserves a separate description)
3. Short-setting and all other approaching in general is optional. I repeat: You do NOT need to open ANYONE as you head for the lounge area. It is optional, and the intent should you choose to open, is to get the person(s) to sit down in the lounge area with you.
4. Once at the lounge area, pick a great spot for yourself. Standard, regular old-school pickup-rules apply here: Preferred seation options are to sit in a position that allows you to overlook the bar, entrance, dance-floor and toilet entrances - or as many of these options as possible. If only one of these options is possible from any given position, I prefer having an overview of what’s going on at the bar - unless it’s a venue with sound that encourages girls to get freaky on the dance-floor… At any given lounge area you will easily find places to sit. If it’s packed, just ask someone to move over a seat so you can sit down and get your breath for 2 minutes. Notice, that’s not an opener in and of itself. It is however, a way of respecting other people’s intimate sphere. OK ok, there’s a time-constraint in there. Call me sneaky then!
5. Don’t sit around looking like a loser, use your one (1) opener with the guy or girl sitting next to you. Be cool, casual, non-pickup like. You know, be the cool you.
6. Whenever someone comes up to your area of the lounge and asks “is this seat available” or “may we sit here” (respecting territorial markings) or whatever along those lines, say “sure” and clearly state the rules of your territory. “Sure, you’re more than welcome to sit here, and I’d appreciate that you respect that at this table we have decided that we only want to sit with sociable people.So, when you decide to sit down, you need to know that it is the law that everyone has the obligation to get to know everyone else at the table.” In this sample wording, I am not being a jerk in setting up the frame. I am merely stating the law in a polite manner. If they sit down you are perfectly right in your next action - which is to start conversation. In sitting down, THEY opened up to that course of action. The “how to say” of this is: Smile and use a firm tone of voice.
7. If they sit down and decline to talk, simply flip the script on them and apply social pressure tactics. Call them out for being rude and impolite. Invite others at the table to share their oppinion on people that go against their word - and against the rules of the table. Oh, and use smiling consciously here, otherwise you might get a smack across the face. That being said, I have asked several people to leave “my” table as I am reserving the seats for friends or people that are actually out because they care about meeting interesting people. It’s all about frame control. I have yet to fail in getting a conversation going or getting the newcomers to leave again; I don’t care about being harsh to people that do not respect “the rules.”
8. Make sure to reward people for respecting “the rules” - comment on the cool part about their decision by telling them that you value them for being open-minded, sociable people that are apparently here for the same reasons as you are: To meet new people and have fun. You can even go as far as talking about the last people you had to “throw off the reservation,” to underline your point (the rules). Remember: Don’t be a dickhead, be cool and casual about it. 
9. Normal, laid-back gaming style. Focus on building rapport, apply touch (KINO), multi-task between conversational partners and escalate when ready - or break rapport and switch conversation partner if you run out of creativity. You switch partners and break rapport to let them know the conversation is over for now and eventually they will leave (remember to thank them for a great time as they leave) - But, the conversation never ran out, and you can always search them out sometime later in the evening.   
10. Other people walk up to your area, and you repeat the process. 

Basically, the only time I bother to get up from my seat is when I need to go to tend to the private stuff, to refill my glass at the bar or to re-open the girl I found most interesting. But hey, that’s just me. 

Imagine how many places you can get this strategy to work towards your benefit.

So many people walk around in search for their soul-mate, and so many people find themselves settling for less. You might have a general idea about what your soul-mate is like, sure… but have you done yourself the favor to really explore what kind of relationship you want? Let’s talk about value qualification!

First off, let’s clarify traditional qualification as it plays out in my understanding:

The Qualification Principle

Assign a certain trait to a girl that is less desirable (disqualifier, with the intent of getting her to qualify against the assigned trait. I.E. “Too bad you’re not open towards meeting new people when you go out.”

Provided you are in rapport and the girl is marginally attracted to you, she will respond with proof that she is open towards meeting new people. Yes, that means YOU.

Qualifying and disqualifying are great ways to achieve rewarding, fun-centric conversations.  In traditional pickup literature however, it is often overlooked as the incredibly powerful connection tool it is.

Using qualifiers to establish connection

Let me share an example of one of my relationship values, and how I’d use it in a conversation:

“What is the best way you have ever shown a guy that you valued his independence in your relationship?”

As soon as she responds to your question, she is accepting that she feels strongly towards independence in a relationship, and she is now offering proof towards that acceptance.

You will definitely want to use very big words – values that are abstract, such as “independence.” – Here’s why: If we are faced with the choice between right (offering independence) and wrong (smothering your partner), our social filters guide us towards doing what is “right.” Who wants to openly acknowledge that she values sitting at home with you 7 nights a week? She might secretly value sitting at home 7 nights a week, … now and then a girl will actually tell me straight up. In that case, leave, unless you want something… other than a relationship… That’s quite alright, as long as you are honest about it when the time comes.

Her translation of the word “independence” will tell you a lot about her world, her past, values and beliefs, demands in a relationship, and her hopes for the future. There’s a ton of possible conversational threads to revert to later on.

Here’s another one:

“Do you consider yourself to be honest deep down inside?”

Most people will reply with a sound “yes!” – some will smile that dirty little smile and say “… hehe, no!” – No matter the reply, you can be absolutely certain that she just offered to qualify towards your basic values.  Go with either side of the force, Luke! A: “Really? If someone dropped their wallet and you picked it up only to find $ 1.000, what would you do?” or B: “When it is OK to lie?”

Communicating value in the qualification process

No matter the chosen path, you can offer further disqualifiers to her reply. You can be dead serious, or you can be casually cocky; whatever suits your personal communication style, it is all good, as long as you justify the qualifier. It’s time to open up and let her know WHY you asked. After all, we want to establish groundbreaking value-based connections, don’t we? Here’s how I might choose to respond:

“That’s interesting… I really value girls that are highly self-motivated and know how to fill their lives with activities of their own when I’m not around,”

- could be a statement I would offer. Seems simple, right? Well, …

Here are the choices behind the words:

1. I let her know her statement is “interesting,” and I compliment “girls” – not her –  on certain traits. What a sly little conversational technique to signal my requirements in terms of behavior while sub-communicating that she MIGHT be in good shape. Notice: I do NOT tell her if she meets my requirements or not.

2. I let her know what kind of behavior is to be expected of me, by stating I won’t be around 24/7/365.

3. I do NOT compose a question, as this would be an obvious screening. If I ask for compliance, she will know I am chasing, and I don’t want that to happen. Instead of asking any further, I recommend that you keep your mouth shut until she says something, no matter what it is. Trust me, she will.

4. My statement is sufficiently vague and offers her a way to qualify, WITHOUT me having disqualified her up front. I want to be vague and let her grab the initiative, which will be a clear indicator of her interest. And again, trust me, … she WILL grab the initiative.

5. I set myself up to continue with another value statement further down the road, either by communicating value in terms of pre-selection, social circle leadership, things that excite me, or further standards.

Applying your knowledge

As you head into the real world and apply this knowledge, remember the driving force behind it: Some guys get lucky; they are selected by girls on a whim, and what’s worse: they brag about it – Other guys know that to get the women they truly want, they need to be the selectors!

The first step? Define the frames of your ideal relationship and which personality features would be benefical towards building that frame. Why wait - the best time to do things is always: Now!

It’s going to be a great day for all those wonderful women out there that deserve to meet you as soon as possible!

The concept “Demonstration of High(er) Value” can be split up into several sub-categories, and in this post I will focus on the verbal part.

In terms of classic PUA (pick up artist) definition, verbal DHV stories are those you tell to build interest and / or attraction towards your persona from another persona. If you browse the Powerful Attraction Model, you will find that we do not include DHV stories anywhere, as we assume value in the opener. However, I do acknowledge that you need to know which topics to talk about to let a girl know just how lucky she is to be in your company!

When I talk with women, I hold back the stories about myself until we are in the Qualify/Relate stages of our interaction, as I want to make sure that she has invested first. This is in stark contrast to other philosophies, in which you are likely recommended to state your value quickly. Again, let me refer to my previous statement: You have value because you opened! You will display further value only if she is interesting enough to do so.

In general, there are four key areas that you will want to know and be able to adress:

• You are preselected
• You are a leader of your social circle
• You do things that excite you
• You have high standards

When do you want to deliver a DHV?

From personal experience I can tell you that you can walk up to a group, pull away a girl and just start off with a justification of why (if you need to) and then ask her a value-based question like: “Are you a cool person?” Listen, take mental notes, and then relate using one of the four key areas. Or, you can vibe with the group and ask someone in the group (not her) about what they do for fun - when they reply with one single word (even it is “why?”), you have opened the conversation thread and you can now relate:

Being preselected is all about letting the girl know that you are used to being with hot girls, so she can expect you to know how to treat her right and not go all loser-like on her. Preselection also relates to the concept “social proof” - if you are seen talking and having social fun with lots of people at a place, you will unconsciously be attributed higher value… An example of how I would do this is to out loud compare the reply to someting one of my female friends would think, discover why it’s interesting, and somewhere along the way convey why I hold that female as a friend: “wow, you’re right, that IS cool. One of my ex girlfriends says the same thing. People tend to judge her on her looks and fear approaching her, and it tears her up inside. I guess it’s not all that easy to be a model.”

Being a leader of your social circle is all about letting her know that you are fully capable of leading an interesting life without her, and also to get her thinking that you have cool friends, because as the saying goes: You can tell who people are through the company they keep. An example: “That’s cool?!?? I took out  one of my friends who runs a company that does X , and he says the exact same thing. I don’t get it, but I respect it.” - In doing this you also set up a possibility for her to qualify herself, in convincing you that what you are talking about IS cool. Personally I do not talk about this area, as I will apply social dynamic tactics instead, following the “don’t tell it, show it” maxim.

You will want to do and talk about things that are exciting to you. This is important, as it fuels your state, and it lets her know that you enjoy your life. It also lets her know what she’s in for if she hangs around for a longer period of time. “Yeah, that is cool. One of the coolest things I know is to do X. I feel so alive when I do it that [...]” - Really get into that state, and know that it is not important if she relates to your words - she is relating to your subcommunication.

In conveying your standards, you are subconsciously letting her know that you will not be chosen by her; it is a mutual decision, and she has to have certain personality features for you to be attracted to her. You are signalling many things in doing this, and one key application in my model of the world is to subtly convey what is or is not acceptable behavior between the two of us later on. An example from my world would be extensive use of preframing for what’s going to happen after we agree to exchange phone numbers, and then use callbacks to what we have talked about when I do close.

I’ll quite often say something like: “Don’t you just hate it when you give a guy his phone number, and he texts you the next day? … [response] … I love indepent people. When I give out my phone number to someone it’s because I find them interesting or attractive or sexy and intend to see them again within two weeks, … and patience is the key!”

Now, if you are experienced in seducing women, you will have guessed that the girl will pick up on that thread and start qualifying herself, either instantly or later on - and the second she ”competes” for your interest or starts relating to what you find attractive or sexy, you are good in taking her number or moving ahead to something more…

Stay tuned for the next post on nonverbal DHV.