Powerful Connections

Last month I found myself in Portugal doing a mini-version of our PowerBOOST! workshop for a team of professional coaches. The point was of course to help them understand how the team at Powerful Attraction applies NeuroStrategies combined with Social Dynamics to achieve personal and social success in no time.

Incidently, if you have not been to Portugal before, I can only tell you that you have been missing out on a great experience. I loved the way the sun burned through the clouds that swept in from the Atlantic Ocean. Every morning I would wake up, look out of the window and know that this day would turn out great. The sun would win, the clouds would evaporate, and the waves would keep pounding the shores. Yep, to me, Portugal represents total tranquility.

 Street, Club or Party?

A thing that really got me thinking were the cultural differences between Denmark and Portugal when it comes to going out to hook up with strangers.  Especially the differences in terms of social pre-selection got me thinking. You see, in Denmark - and pretty much any other Western country I have visited - there is a big difference compared to Portugal when it comes to how or where we meet other people.

When doing a power speak, seminar or workshop I always ask the participants to estimate in percentage how many of their friends have met their current or last partner / lover

1. On the street or in a supermarket
2. At a bar or night-club
3. At a social circle event (work or private parties)

In most cases, the split is typically 10-35-55.

The Portuguese Off-set

In Portugal, a totally different picture emerged: 0-20-80 (with a clear emphasis on WORK as a setting). On top of that, the people there told me that it is pretty close to unacceptable for a Portuguese woman to be the one that initiates contact with a guy.

Well, I took that as a challenge and as we went out to the Portuguese night-life I worked with one of the women in the group. A couple of hours later she had been talking with several different guys, she even took down a phone number, and she had a look in her eyes I know all too well from my many previous workshops: She was full of enthusiasm and belief in her ability to change her situation!

So, it would seem that the above mentioned split and the local Portuguese belief about how women are supposed to act is something that can easily change.

Why We Act Differently in Each Setting

My reason for splitting the first encounter into the three categories mentioned above is simple. It relates to two things: The concept of Social Pre-Selection and, of course, our focus.

1.  The street / Supermarket: None of us normally walk down a street or into a supermarket expecting to meet the prince(ss) on the white horse. We are focused on the task at hand; getting from A to B or picking up some groceries for dinner. Also, if someone approaches us in this situation, we have no way of knowing what kind of person we meet. Actually, roughly half of us believe that a stranger approaching us on the street has malicious intent. There is no means for us to gage for social pre-approval: The stranger might be a psycho. We don’t know, because we don’t know anyone that knows him or her. In this setting a pickup artist greatly relies on his skill to build instant rapport and establish trust. I once had a client that approached a lone wolf from out of town on the street at night. In 15 minutes he had her phone number, they made out and she invited him back to her hotel room.
2. The bar / nightclub: Most of us go to bars and nightclubs to “see what will happen.” We put on our social game face and yet, we will most likely stick to our group of friends as these are all pre-approved. Everyone at a nightclub has been screened by a bouncer and/or a picker, so we jump to an assumption that everyone at the venue fits with a minimum set of social approval criterias. As a result, we do not immediately reject advances from outsiders but we will take measures to screen them for congruency and character flaws. The better PUA’s will typically rely on techniques to spike a girl’s buying temperature I.E. push/pull techniques, role-playing or - for some - going caveman. Back in my caveman days I went from initial eye-contact to a full-scale makeout in 7 seconds!
3. Social circle events: Our focus at a private or corporate party is normally to have fun with our closest friends and co-workers and to establish new connections. At corporate events we assume that everyone is cool to some extent, as they are already a part of our pack. The same goes for private parties, no matter the size: Everyone there knows someone that knows someone that knows me - or the host - meaning: Everyone there is socially pre-selected. Our guards are much lower than on the street or the supermarket, simply because we have an illusion that we share certain values with everyone present. The better PUA’s know this and notes who knows whoelse and how, so he can position himself as the alpha male, have fun and choose the most interesting girl(s) for the evening.

Back to the Portuguese… My trip there was great and I really enjoyed the hospitality of my hosts. As a result of my stay they have decided to announce seminars and workshops in October. It’s going to be a blast.

The sun is burning through the clouds, and it’s a beautiful experience to listen to the roar of the Atlantic Ocean as you chew your way through a good book, … and as you visit Portugal, remember to be as social as absolutely possible.

What makes a story a great story? How do you use storytelling to convey emotional depth and demonstrate high value?

To answer the questions above, perhaps it would make sense to look into what is valuable, and then to understand the key elements needed to allow your counterpart to feel that you add value to the world.

What is valuable?

One of the key mistakes I witness when coaching sales reps is the tendency to focus inside our comfort zone in terms of content. This is especially relevant for newcomers to the sales function, where most of us would have a tendency to really get to understand the features of our product, so that we will be able to respond to any objections from a product feature perspective. However, whether a salesman or pickup artist you must first understand that your product is not important. The features are not important. What you have experienced is not important. In fact, it is worthless if you cannot translate it into the emotions associated with these things and, more importantly, the value your features or experiences bring to others.

Let me give you a quick example of the way this relates to both sales and pickup methodology: Let’s break down the elements of a perfect message - and let it sit for a while, before you start looking inside your own stories to find out how you can improve them.

The 4MAT Model (by Bernice McCarthy)

In communicating sharply with others I cannot over-emphasize the importance of providing your messages with the right structure. The most powerful and understandable tool I use to help people understand is the 4MAT model developed by Bernice McCarthy, which consists of 4 elements:

• WHY you need to listen - why is this relevant to you. This step can be factual, and needs to address emotions to be truly effective. You need to establish relevance and get personal involvement from your listener before moving on.
• WHAT are the main headlines of the topic (in sales: the solution). This is purely factual and can be wrapped up in metaphors for emotional effect.
• HOW one executes on the topic (in sales: a more specific implementation roadmap). Step by step, factual and, depending on the person at the other end, more or less specific. When training others, this step is achieved through exercises.
• WHAT IF or THE EFFECT of the what’s and how’s. For PUA purposes, choose a highly emotionally oriented approach. For sales purposes,  supply more factual / measurable input.

This next section will show you how I apply this communication model in terms of seduction. I’ve covered this in other terms before, check out the posts on how to deliver high value (DHV) for more perspectives.

What is important to remember when telling a girl who you really are at your core is to remember a phrase coined by Anthony Robbins:

“We buy with our emotions, and justify with our logic.”

This phrase is extremely important whether you are selling or seducing, and here’s an example to show you why.

The Logical Response

Let’s say I am talking with a nice girl who now becomes moderately interested in me and asks me what I do for a living. The normal, casual response, would be to simply blirt out “I’m a pickup coach” or something along those lines. Well, although I can always make a comeback and explain why I love coaching, it’s still uphill. In communicating from a logical frame of mind, I’m using the WHAT part of the 4MAT to adress the “purchase justification center.”

I always use the above response if I’m talking to a girl I’m not atracted to, and I keep the verbal conversation extremely logical, as I link “emotional talk” strongly with “conveying attraction.” Well, OK, nudge me, and I might share that I also use this response if I believe she is coming on too strong, and I just want to toy with her for a while. I admit it, I’m like a kitten with a string sometimes.

In my experience, I have a lot more impact in addressing her emotions, and the quickest way to do so is to address the VALUE of what I do.

The Emotional Response

For a period of time I would respond in terms of direct value of my services. Turns out I was actually just mystifying what I did. I’d reply: “I help people realize their potential and use it to achieve stuff beyond their wildest dreams.”

This reply serves two purposes:

1. To convey the value of my job to the people I serve.
2. It’s a paraphrase of the WHAT in 4MAT - a metaphor for “coaching”

However, I found that this phrase was not strong enough in terms of communicating with her emotions. Some of the more clever girls would simply retort with: “Oh, so you’re a coach.”

Hmmm, that doesn’t cut it with the intelligent girls then - and ladies, intelligence is at the top of my list of screening values!! So, I have to come up with something else to keep their inner dialogue boomin’ - and that’s when I came up with something so vague and, sorry if I sound like I’m full of it, brilliant, I couldn’t believe my eyes after the first 20 tests:

“Well, how would you feel if a guy noticed those exact awesome personal features you bring to the table, and he knew exactly how to handle you so that you would feel special with every second you were in his presence?”

“… That’s what I do.”

It’s always incredibly amusing to witness their eyes as they try to analyze what I just said. They CAN’T because they are logically trying to process an emotional hydrogen bomb! What I did right there was hit right on the money in the WHAT IF category - and that, my dear reader, is golden!

Go ahead and do the same extrapolation on your job, … as a result of you doing your job, who benefits and how?

The Complete 4MAT Response

You may want to be more dramatic about replying to the question “so, what do you do for a living?” - or any other question for that matter… I hope you can see the application of this model throughout any and all communication between yourself and a woman (or a customer for that matter) as you move forward.

Although I hardly ever use the full version anymore, simply because I have found it more powerful to just leave a trail of bred-crumbs from the WHAT IF… response, it is important to fully understand the different steps. So, without further bantering: Here’s the longer version that follows the 4MAT model to a tee.

• WHY: Let me ask you a question… have you ever found yourself standing in a bar, staring down Mr. Wonderful for seconds that would turn into minutes, and NOTHING happened, he did’t do ANYTHING? [pause, they always say YES] Right! And as the seconds grew into minutes you’d start wondering if HE was insecure, or if something was wrong with YOU, or whatever that is - Right? [pause, another yes] Exactly. You see, it may be stupid, but most guys in that situation ARE attracted to you, they’re just scared shitless that they will goof it up in saying something stupid, or that you will chew their arm of if they approach you, so they DON’T approachyou. It’s gotta piss you off as much as it pisses me off, right?
• WHAT: Well, I help these guys understand that there is nothing to be afraid of, and that they are better men as a result of acting on their desires. I provide them with insights into their own psyche and train them in using groundbreaking communication principles. This helps them to take charge in their life and unlock potential they never even knew they had.
• HOW: One of the best ways to learn new skills is to TAKE ACTION, can we agree on that? [handle whatever] - So what I do, at least in this part of my proffession, is help these guys out LIVE in the field with ACTUAL women they have never met before. We have these seminars and workshops here we cover everyting from personal leadership to what women value in general and how to address that. During our seminar our attendants talk with a TON of people, not just women, to hone their social skills, I really love to see the glow in their eyes as the seminars come to an end. You know, you can actually tell if a woman is interested in a matter of seconds? [if she doesn't ask for an example, I'll just open any random girl, get her smiling and send her off again. If she does ask for an example, I'll just look her in the eye and smile while I tell her she's a naughty girl!]
• WHAT IF… How would you feel if a guy noticed those exact awesome personal features you bring to the table, and he knew exactly how to handle you so that you would feel special with every second you were in his presence? Can you imagine what it would look like if every person in this room just took the courage to act on their basic desires with the underlying intent of just having a great time with everyone else!

Well, there you have it; a complete breakdown of one the most powerful communication structures that is being used by sales- marketing- and communication specialists throughout the world. And, as it happens, by one of Denmark’s most noted pickup coaches.

Don’t believe me? Take a look at any interesting advertisement in the next magazine you open and THEN tell me I’m wrong.

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If you’ve been finding yourself on the path of the pickup artist (PUA) for some time you will definitely recognize this scenario. You’re flying high, rolling through a bar or club, as you notice a pack of girls and here you go, … Two minutes into the conversation with your new friends one of them commands your attention.

“Oh my God, … dude, who do you think we are, leave us alone, you (insert whatever bullshit reason she utters)…”

Or, somewhere along the conversation, which up until now has moved along perfectly, the girl you fancy confronts you by saying something like:

“You’re trying to pick me up, aren’t you?”

What just happened there was what in classic PUA terms is known as a shit test. We call it a test, because basically the pack or the individual girl is testing to see your congruency. Unconsciously the girl is weeding out the “losers” that can’t stand their ground. Shit testing a guy is a great technique to achieve this outcome. 

How NOT to handle shit tests

I don’t know about you but the first 300 times a woman threw me a shit test of some sort I would fail miserably. My ego was big and my identity was weak. Basically, deep down inside, I felt insecure of my qualities and attractive features. As a result my logical response to these shit tests were: “I need to defend myself” or “I need to comply with social conformity and supplicate to her input.” 

The insecure response

This would translate into a response a bit like this: 

“No, I’m not… I wouldn’t do that, we’ve only just met… Why would I try to pick you up?”

Now, responding in this way is quite risky because 

1. It proves that I am incongruent
2. It states that I am not doing it YET
3. It shows that I accept her frame of interaction (why would I…)

These factors combined will translate insecurity and creates a suspicion of you being a dork bigger than the guy everyone hated in high school. The most likely outcome is that the girl will shortly leave but, if you’re a good looker OR have something else going you will still be in… Only, it will be hard work from there, as she will be shit testing you on anything from that point.

Most importantly: By accepting her frame, you are accepting that the level of communication between the two of you occurs on a logical level. That’s a no go, in case you were wondering. 

Overly secure response

After going with insecure for a while, I switched to the overly secure, more arrogant response. I would think of myself as a bigger star than George Clooney and come from a frame of “I can have every girl I want in this world - fuck off.” As a result my statement would be overly anti-supplicant, I.E.

“What the fuck are you talking about, you think you’re that hot?”

Or:

“I wouldn’t touch you even if you were bound, gagged, naked and rubbing your ass in my face.”

:-) you get the idea, … and I bet you can imagine that this part of my PUA journey didn’t result in a lot of sexual experiences. I did have a lot of fun though. That aside, what happens when you respond to a shit test from an overly confident frame is:

1. She will think that you take the conversation (and yourself) too seriously
2. You are in fact conveying insecurity
3. She will focus on the fact that you’re acting like a, well, dickhead

Reason being: Most people will tell you that behind every arrogant face is a desire to over-compensate for a fear of being inadequate. The results will vary; she might blow up in your face and make it her mission for the evening to embarrass you beyond all reason; she will ask you to LEAVE NOW; she will slap you (one threw her beer at my face - at least she had the courtesy to hang onto her glass), or she leaves. I recall very few successful interactions when dealing with shit tests in the overly confident manner. Be forewarned.  

Good ways to handle shit tests

Look, the first thing you will want to convey is that you are in your world and that place is a pretty strong one. Basically, the best way to remember and this and act accordingly is to think of a shit test as being totally irrelevant to what is going on between you. It is your JOB to take care of her and you need to show her that you can take care of yourself first. The key word in this paragraph was: “irrelevant,” here’s the approach you might want to try out:

Indifference

Read and re-read this and once your done, read it again: When the shit tests come up, IGNORE them. Do not defend, do not attack, simply ignore her attempts to blow you out of the sky. You are the biggest tree in the park and she’s trying to bring you down with a plastic spoon. Good luck girlfriend!

Let’s say that you are talking about something like, say, how much you enjoy getting up early in the morning and look forward to all the beautiful things that will happen during the day, each day of your life, … It would play out like this:

HER: “You’re trying to pick me up, aren’t you?”

YOU: “The most beautiful thing about my mornings is probably that I get to go to my swimming pool and do 20 laps in complete solitude. Hey, do you like swimming?”

HER: (if she’s persistant) “Well, are you?”

YOU: “YEAH, I love it, there’s nothing like that… 20 laps in the morning really fills me with energy (ok that was sneaky). Do you like swimming?”

HER: Yeah / No / Whatever (you passed the shit test) 

The result of this transaction is:

1. She senses indifference
2. She senses social experience = social value
3. You subcommunicate that you are worth seing, subsequently she should refrain from blowing you off

Being indifferent towards shit tests will also work extremely well once you are alone with the girl, going for a makeout or whatnot. Let’s assume you are sitting in a dark and misty corner of the club, deep into emotionally engaged conversation laced with a few pointers of your intentions towards you. She’s all hot and bothered as her ASD kicks in. What is her go to strategy? Shit testing.

“You’re way too charming/sexy/whatever. I bet you are with NEW girls ALL THE TIME.”

The inside-out approach

You can go several ways with the shit test above, one of my favorite approaches is to run anti-ASD tactics and another great way to handle this one is to simply be indifferent, look her deep into her eyes and bend your forehead forward, causing it to touch hers. I recall quite a lot of makeouts that ensued this move.

Personally at the stage of life where I am at, I prefer running a reversed screening designed to 1) test her self esteem, and 2) turn the table so that she feels she is chasing me more than I am her, like this: 

“Oh, … staying here was your idea, and I had no idea that you are having thoughts about kissing me now, … you’re dangerous.” Pull her in closer and smile as you say she’s “dangerous” and then push her back gently, continue talking about whatever. 

- This approach is one of my absolute favorites. It usually takes no more than a couple of minutes before all hell breaks loose and you’ll be in for a very long night. Try it out and share with a comment, I dare you!

Take the knife - and stab yourself

The last of my highly recommended tactics for handling the shit test works particularly well when you are still in a position where others can overhear your response. Sure, it works in one on one conversations as well. However, I would most definitely go with indiffernence and inside-outs in one on one’s, as I’m sure you will understand in a second.

If you have ever watched the movide “8 Mile” with Eminem, you will know exactly what I am talking about. at the end of the movie, Eminem’s character is doing a rap battle and, as he gets up to do his final rap of the night before his competitor gets a chance to retort, he does something brilliant: Rather than trashing his opponent, Eminem trashes - himself!

1 minute later the other guy takes the mic and stands still - Eminem took away all of his bullets and blasted them into himself. What are you gonna fire at me now bitch? - Top this off with a turnaround, complimenting the person for pointing out your obvious short-comings, while attributing this to a positive trait in her personality, … and giggle inside as you notice her confusion while you revert to whatever topic you were talking about. It’s golden.

This strategy, known to us as the “Take the knife and stab yourself,” is one we teach at our bootcamps to great effect. It would play out like this:

YOU: “I love swimming, I actually do to the pool every morning and do 20 laps, it’s really rewarding!”

HER: “Boy, you need to stop lying or leave” (comply with my frame that you’re lying and watch me laugh)

YOU: “Oh my God, you’re right. I just lied, OH DAMN you caught me with that one. It’s just because I’m SOOO insecure and I’ve got ABSOLUTELY no social skills, and I’m such a PRICK - I deserve to be treated like a LEPPER for actually throwing a fit like this. But, you know… I really have to thank you for pointing this out to me. Basically, I’ve been lying to MYSELF the entire evening, and it takes a great person like you, you know, a really honest and open person, to tell me this with a positive intention and help me understand that being social is all about being relaxed. Thank you!  I bet you pointed this out to me beacuse you love swimming?”

Be careful not to over-do this one and come across as arrogant. It takes finesse to get this one down but, when done with flair, I can guarantee that you will NOT be receiving shit tests from her ever again. In essence, you are doing the following:

1. Comply with her frame
2. Take over her frame and make it yours by feeding it steroids
3. Re-position her motivation for shit testing you
4. Re-frame your persona to fit the re-positioning and strengthen your frame
5. Deflate the meaning of her statement alltogether, thus cementing your frame of: Indifference :-)

Neat, huh? It’s a sneaky mo-fo. Again, be careful not to overdo this one, or you will come across as a psycho. You need to be very suave to get this to work in your favor, and when you have it down it’s by far one of the best techniques to handle other guys (AMOG’s) trying to blow you out of the skies. Consider this example from a friend of mine:

As I was randomly chatting up a girl at a cocktail bar I notice a guy drooling at her from a distance. He had been over there before I approached and he was smelling like a chump from far across the room. We continue chatting and he walks up with the sole intent of blowing me down. 

HIM: “Hey man..! Are you trying to pick up this girl???” (haha, what a nice play)

PUA: “W-w-w-YEAH. I am, and you know what I SUCK at it, she wouldn’t go home with me even if I was the last guy on Earth BUT you know what - I could clearly tell from across the room that you’ve got SOLID game, man! I bet you can teach me a trick or two on how to behave with girls and get laid more often. I’d LOVE it if you were to show me some plays!!! Hey, how do the two of you know each other??”

HER: “Oh, I don’t know HIM!” 

HIM: Stands still, looking like someone who realized he has just walked out of the restroom with seamen hanging from his lips, then walks back to the rathole he came out of.

Do I need to tell you whether or not my friend got the girl? I hope not. :-)

Thanks for investing your time in this - you know it will come back to you and the girls you meet, shaped as valuable moments.