If you choose to be a pickup artist, do you then have to also choose not to be in long-term relationships? Granted, many guys enter the seduction community to improve their odds with women; to get laid more or to meet and get laid with more beautiful women. But what happens after a few years when you’ve met THE beautiful woman and you decide it’s time to give the long-term relationship a go?
Most of the guys I’ve met along the way in my endeavors on the path of the PUA, especially those that memorize routines instead of integrating the philosophies behind the lifestyle, find themselves in a tough spot. I have seen sooo many guys that have perfected their approach to picking up women, only to find themselves torn to pieces as they realize that the one they have decided to build a long and lasting relationship with finds them boring after only a short period of exclusivity.
Instead of experiencing the rush, we go into a downward spiral and start rebuilding self-worth and self-confidence from scratch. We go back into the path of the hardcore pickup artist and redeem ourselves through yet another set of external validation, just as we did when we had our first PUA success experiences. Then, we start justifying why we do not open up to other people. After all, the last time we did it, we got hurt.
It’s a bit like when your best friend’s favorite musician comes to town and they open the ticket sales, … You want to give your friend a magnificent present, and you know a lot of people are itching to get the tickets, so you go to the outlet one or maybe even two nights before ticket sales open, and then you wait. You wait some more and you start moving ahead in the queue. Finally you get there, and you buy your tickets. You feel awesome inside as you head back home to tell your friend the great news: “I got tickets for the two of us!” – Over the course of a month everyone is looking forward to the concert. You might even go out shopping for the perfect outfit and pimp it up with some cool accessories… waiting… feeling great… imagining how it will be… and then, the night before the concert, the press release hits the street: “Star admitted to rehab clinic for two weeks.”
All the time and energy you spent preparing for the concert could be considered a waste now, couldn’t it? Of course, your friend will still give you credit for making the effort… Bonus points there!
Why is relationship building hard?
As we enter relationships, the women will consistently put our limits to a test. It’s a common misunderstanding that a woman will seek to get us to settle down by demanding we spend more time at home. In reality this behavior is an invitation for us to show that we are indeed MEN. The woman seeks confirmation that we are able to provide for her, and we need to prove this through masculine behavior. So, in fact, we need to do the opposite of what we would normally think we should. Confused?
In doing the illogical, we are doing things that might be completely opposite to the things we learned through our upbringing when we were kids. But, that’s completely OK – after all, nothing is logical in long-term relationships, at least not until you understand the premise of how these are established and function.
As you met your girlfriend you were both able to push each other’s buttons and capture the interest of the other person. In your minds you were both single and you had a lot of things going on in your separate lives that would generate attraction from one to the other and back. Sadly, many of us let go of the things that increases our value as a partner, justifying this through the “I need to be different now because I am in a committed relationship.” Oddly enough this extends not only to our social behavior but, for some, also to our ability to groom ourselves.
I recognize this from some of my previous relationships. At one time I gained 20 pounds in less than a year. I’d prioritize the girlfriend above my social circle. Cooking dinner would take priority over doing sports. With every relationship I have been in along the way I have become consciously aware of how these choices impacted me, my girlfriend and our relationship. Let me tell you from the bottom of my heart and back of my head: If you find yourself onboard an airplane and the air-pressure drops, … you will want to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. If you can’t breathe, the person next to you can only use you as a meat-shield when the plane hits the ground.
If you are in a relationship, or entering one, or considering strategies for entering one, let me give you a quick piece of advice so that you can be able to continue building attraction with your woman:
A heated relationship is greatly preferred to a dead one! Do not seek compromise to preserve peace in your relationship. Maintaining the peace in a relationship is an illusion that, if you choose to live it, will strangle your relationship in the long run. It sounds so easy, I know. The irony of it is that we will find ourselves in a relationship soon enough and all is well… all the sudden the routines kick in, your sex-life evaporates, arguments escalate – and yet, … we still seek compromise. After all, if she shuts up, we can retreat to our “cave” and still keep up our appearances on the outside. Well that’s just wrong if you ask me. If you are in that situation now, I extend my deepest sympathy to you.
No matter if you are in a relationship, or entering one, or considering strategies for entering one, here is the first mindset you must understand and apply: Have your bags packed and be ready to leave the relationships at all times! Then, and only then, you will be able to live in a thriving relationship. Prepare for a shit-storm of arguments as you reclaim your masculinity; to most people, quitting an addictive drug is far from easy. But it’s well worth your while once you kick the habit!
Please feel free to comment on this article before moving on to “Building Relationships (LTR’s) as a PUA: Part II”
