Powerful Connections

I had an ominous feeling in my previous relationship, and so I tried all I could to prevent the thought from becoming real. You know the feeling of striking your most powerful blows into the air while you just feel that every blow is a miss? It’s a bit like swinging your fists into a pillowcase. You muster all the power you have, only to land your punch in something utterly pointless.

That’s how I felt yesterday evening.

The Beginning

Over the course of the past 2 months, I entered into a new relationship, and opened up myself to someone I felt a deep connection with. Even though I knew this relationship would be hard work for me on a personal level, I decided to move on ahead beause, well because I felt as if this girl was worth it. My standards are high, and boy… did I end up out-gunned.

The girl, a friend of a friend, I first met by a sidewalk café in June. Cursed with a great memory of defining moments, I can tell you everything she wore, how she had her hair and the exact dialogue we exchanged over the course of 5 minutes. But I wont. I remember thinking to myself after the first encounter that this girl was indeed special. As we got up from the table to walk in the same general direction - she towards her home, me towards my car, I gave her a hug goodbye. I noticed a surprised look on her face, got to my car and thought: “I want to get to know this person a little more.”

A few months later, after having met in the company of our then mutual friend a few times, I popped by for a cup of coffee and what would turn out to be a game of cat and mouse at her place. For the first time ever I felt slightly insecure in the company of a woman. It has been so ever since. She has the ability to keep me guessing, as though she knows exactly how to pose a perpetual challenge to my self-awareness.

This girl has the aura of perfect imperfection written all over her, and I like it. Similar stories, similar perception of what is right and wrong and… well on the surface and well beneath it, I felt her to be a great match to me. Where she needed help, I could and would provide, and… it seemed… the other way ’round.

To top it off, this girl has got to be one of the sexiest people on the planet in the looks department. Grade A photo model, that guys trip over when they see her at a club, or in the supermarket, or at the laundromat. Take your pick.

The Shit Storm

The first 4 weeks with her was amazing, and then… all the sudden… over the course of one beer too many I went and said something to our mutual friend that was unacceptable to her. Not to my woman, but to our friend, who in spite of telling me that it was ok - she just needed a little space - clearly didn’t mean it. She had expressed something far from my values system, and I commented on it in a way she perceived as a full-bodied tackle against her personally (although I did not intend it like this). 

Lesson #1 - If you fuck up relations around your relationship, mend them immediately, even if it seems unfair to you!

Two weeks later, in a period of less than 24 hours, I went and fucked it up in the most amazing way. I could come up with a ton of excuses, and I wont. I’ll stick with: I had a rough week and risked losing a lot of business, … and she was there when I needed to offload. (I do that by almost literally going into a coma). Don’t offload your shit like that Anders, nothing good comes from it. Also, do not ever go out drinking the day before your girlfriend’s birthday. Over the course of her birthday, I felt unwelcome to say the least. I decided to leave and go to a friend that needed me. Later, she sent me a text that she was disappointed with me.  I was busy, so I sent her one back, which was stupid.

Lesson # 2 - Text messages do not work when you need to communicate emotions.

Over the course of the next few days I found myself putting out fires. Everywhere. Friends saying this and that, me doing the wrong things no matter what, and so on and so forth. Over the course of three days we went from “this is over” to “I’m not sure” to “I would, but…” to “I really miss you.”

A friend asked me what else, if not for the birthday situation, could be the source of her standing so steeply on her decision to end our relationship. He answered the question before I could: “Maybe she’s just attracted to that successful, self-empowered guy, and now because of the things with your friend and now this, she is starting to doubt whether or not that is really you?” As it would turn out later, he was spot on in his evaluation.

De-ja-vu

Anyway, I clawed my way back, and we had a go at it one more time. I can’t think of any previous relationship where I felt as much desire to rebuild everything. I realized that I actually tried so hard because I wanted to prove to her that the world is not full of assholes. I was dead certain that, if she’d let me, I’d spend the rest of my days on this planet proving to her that I would be the one to allow her to acknowledge that she had been wrong. Guys, that’s a clear cut danger sign right there, and I strongly suggest that - if you cannot put other words on your motivation in a similar situation in the future - you get out immediately.

I suddenly found myself in a talk with another friend, where I was reminded of a girl I entered into a relationship with some 7 years ago. I remember thigs going bad. I remember how hard I worked against the odds. I remember how she changed her mind, told me to come by, and as I was well on the freeway, sent me a text and told me to not call her ever again. I remember feeling devastated, much as I do right now.

It was not pretty, I’ll tell you that much. And that’s where my ominous feeling grew on me all the sudden.

Lesson # 3 - If your gutt tells you, you need to attend to something - always fix whatever that is first.

The Final Call

So, back to yesterday, when I received her call… I had stayed over the night before, we had talked about another very important issue to her - which is one I cannot do anything about right now: My participation in the TV show “Singleliv.” Somehow, in some way, I got the feeling that I was an embarrassment to her. She felt that she had to take hits from her friends about it, and it was quite clear to me that she didn’t really know how to manage it, especially now that there were all of these other things going on inside of her.

My ominous feeling grew to extreme dimensions. That night I didn’t sleep for more than an hour in total. I felt sad and worried. How could I prove to her that I was truly sorry for the events on her birthday, other than the secret plan I was cooking up for the upcoming weekend? How could she not understand that a relationship is fixed between us, and not between us and our friends? How could I get her to understand the driving factor in me going on that TV show?

Come morning I looked like shit. We parted ways. She sent me a few positive messages during the day, then - silence for six hours before she called me in the evening. Two hours of talk, and then she invited me to call her back if I had anything else to add. I did, the phone rang once, then doo-doo-doo-doo. I took a piss and got back to my phone. Two immediate text messages with uppercase letters were waiting for me. Immediately I decided to get in my car and drive out to see her (I had already decided that 20 minutes into the call, but now it was even more important than before).

Lesson # 4 - When things go bad in your relationship, take immediate action to make them right again.

The End

Guys, take my word for it: When a super hot girl flashes that she is desired by 10-20 guys every night she goes out, and her looks backs those words, you will want to know this: You only get one shot early on, so tread wisely.

As I stood there in her kitchen, her first response was to smile. Not a warm smile at that, more of a “you’re a fucking idiot, stay your distance or I will fuck you up” kind of smile.  Or perhaps it was a “This is over, why are you in my kitchen” kind of smile.

We exchanged words, and I was close to tears, due to the frustration that she would not let me stay inside of her heart, now that I had opened mine up to her. In that moment, for the first time since I met her, I consciously thought of myself as being selfish. And yet, I didn’t want her to be in pain.

She of course had her logic in place and kept pulling out new reasons for us to not be together every time we had flipped to the backside of one reason.

My frustration kept growing. She could see that I really wanted to be with her. She knew I was observing what she needed from me, so that I could provide it for her. She acknowledged having feelings for me, but she was putting them aside. “FOR WHAT REASON?” I screamed inside myself. Pride? Principle? To never ever expose herself to the risk of being hurt? I was striking blows into the air, feeling as if the pillowcase was now surrounding me completely.

For some reason she starts busting a tear. My interpretation was that she was torn apart inside, between the heart (the tears) and the pride (new arguments every time one was successfully processed). I knew at this point that no matter how I responded to whatever she came up with, she would be driven to come up with even more “logical” reasons to stand by her decision. And I know now that I chose the wrong course of action, as she asked me to leave.

I left.

As I got home, I sent her a text, telling her that she shouldn’t beat herself up about it. I left because I felt as if I was throwing punches into the air. I was fighting her past, her pride and her desire not to commit - and none of these things are in my control. I was on a downward slope fighting against her desire to get a real action-man that has everything going for him. And she would not give me the time to turn things back around.

I gave it my best shot to address the secondary gains behind her clinging on to pride and principle - and I was fighting a lost cause. So I left because, in any given situation that is not perfect, you always have three options:

1. Accept things as they are.
2. Change things into the way you want them.
3. Leave things behind.

That lesson is key.

As I was talking with one of my closest female friends the other day this dawned on me: Deep down in my heart I feel a sadness that has been growing inside of me for a long time. I know this because on many occasions after becoming single again, I would wake up in the middle of the night, or early in the morning, with one single sentense haunting me. One sentence, so frightening to me that I would sometimes have to get out of bed and take a cold shower before attempting to sleep again.

Basically, when you go to one of our pickup seminars or bootcamps, you will hear me say one thing very often, as I have said it aloud for the past 6 years now: To become a great PUA you must be honest to others. But first you must be honest to yourself. In truth, after all has been said and done at a seminar, I may have taught you close to all I know about social dynamics, however… the knowledge will only hold a very light impact in terms of external resuts, until you start being 100% honest with women.

Incidently, the sentense that has been haunting me is: ”I love you, [ex girlfriend].” Now, that’s some scary shit right there.

My previous relationship was with a person whom I highly respect and admire for the strengths she has. None the less, I also feel curious; I never did fully understand how she chose what she did. I have many wonderful memories from our time together, … and I can recall several not-so-great incidents as well.

The reason that I feel a growing sadness is that I no longer wake up crying out loud: ”I love you.” Instead I wake up thinking ”why did I love you?” - I also remember thinking: ”Did we ever REALLY love each other?”

It’s like what Shakespeare writes about in his sonnet # 116, … that there is no such thing as unconditional love. Now all the sudden I am reminded that love is conditional.  I am reminded of the values I want to experience in a relationship.

I want to live in a relationship full of mutual respect, intimacy, loyalty, enticement and impulsive behavior. To be completely honest with myself – and you – It has been a long time since I last experienced all of those things in my relationship. And as I realize that I have been low on these experiences for quite some time now, I feel sad.

My eyes darken.

The illusion that my ex girlfriend is the only one who could provide all of these experiences is shattered. Most of all I am sad that we did not end our relationship a lot sooner. And then it happens; the girl sitting next to me asks me a question I did not anticipate:

”What personality traits will a person need, if she is to be able to build a relationship with you based on those values?”

That, my dear friend, is the question that turns sadness into intrigue. It is the question that will help drive your honesty in all dialogues, internally and externally, and as such it is the first and most important question you need to ask yourself before looking for your dream partner. Finding out what you value in a relationship; knowing which personality features to look for in a woman is what will help you steer clear of the darkness.

If you do not have a good idea about what you want to experience in your next relationship, … you have work to do before searching the market for potential girlfriends. Unless you plan on taking your chances and enter into a long-term relationship (LTR) with the first opportunity that presents itself to you.

The choice is yours.

The first thing you will want to do when entering into a long-term relationship is to establish what is - and what is NOT - OK in that relationship. I’ll get back to this in a minute. For now feel free to try on a philosophy of mine for size:

A relationship doesn’t just happen - It happens as a result of the desires of two people to be in a relationship with another individual with whom they share a common understanding of the world at one or several levels. 

Maintain your individuality

About a year ago I got a call from a client that wanted a piece of advice on how to handle a situation with a girl he had met and found suited to be his long-term partner. I had known the guy for quite some time and I know him to be a very skilled pickup artist. He had been dating this girl for a bit of time now and things were going sour between them. Actually, it had turned into a real mess, and the harder he had tried to conform to what he believed were her standards for a relationship the worse it got for them. 

I quickly reminded him that when they attracted each other they were two seperate individuals, each with several good things going for them in their separate lives (see “Building LTR’s as a PUA: Part I” for more info on this). After talking it through I asked him: “Which of the values, qualities and actions that you brought into the relationship are you actively putting out there today?” He quickly came to the conclusion that neither of them were actively doing any of the things that had initially attracted the other part. 

Framing the dos and don’ts

After talking some more with my client on how he could actively help himself and thereby the relationship in moving forward I reminded him of something that I have learned and applied in all relationships I have entered over the course of the last 8 years. This concept is one that has later become one of the keys to our Powerful Attraction Model used when coaching our clients to achieve a routine-free, natural and outright honest seduction style. What I am talking about is how to convert from gaming to relating using one of the simplest techniques in the book: Being honest about who you are and what you expect of other people.

Now, I could be all theoretical about this subject, … However, I’d like to show you what I mean by telling you about what I have done as I entered into the last few relationships. Maybe that will give you an idea of how strongly I feel about it, and it will most certainly be something that you can put in your “playbook” as 120 % field-tested with great results! But, beware - this strategy demands you to live up to your promises with a daily effort and is highly controversial compared to external pressure from the expectations of family, friends, in-laws and what-not.

Make it a day to remember

Once I decide it is time to convert a casual relationship into a long one, I’ll invite the girl for a date somewhere that neither of us have ever been before and preferrably as with all the other initial dates in a setting that puts you both under a constructive pressure. I took my last girlfriend out golfing on the “crucial” date, knowing fully that we were both absolute novices at golfing - this way we would both suck and have a laugh at the same time. Other guys I know have taken their girls sky-diving, others still have gone to a chess club, and one guy I know signed his girl up for a poker tournament, … The whole point is to do something out of the ordinary, to make this day one that is remembered as a very special experience where you got to know each other in a totally different way in a highly unusual setting.

To this day, whenever a relationship of mine has ended I have not once experienced that the break-up did not entail a reference from her side to that first memorable date and how we somewhere along the way strayed from that path. And on the positive note, in every relationship the premises agreed on that first “relationship date” have served as amazingly powerful guidelines when building the respective LTR’s.

Planning ahead

Your sole purpose of the date (other than just having a good time) is to come to an agreement about what is OK in a relationship and what is not. Remember, the death of an LTR starts to set in as you gradually stop doing the things that got her attracted to you in the first place.. Before that happens, you start to compromise - and this first “framework” date is an important tool for the both of you in terms of avoiding a slow but certain demise.

Granted, we all change and develop as we move through life and in doing so we apply pressure on the frames of the relationship. I’ll write more about how to handle that in one of the fourthcoming chapters. For now, let me stick to sharing the concepts you will want to address on your date.

In entering the relationship, I have one key structure running through the back of my head: “Equality above all else. Love is contributing without expecting anything in return.”

In general I have had the best success in pre-framing the conversation by letting the girl know about the concept of attraction (we’re individuals with seperate lives, and if we give that up completely, attraction will fade). You don’t have to do the same. However, once she accepts this frame, you can bring up anything that comes to mind using the pre-frame as your cover for doing so.

Recommended topics to cover

You will want to explain what you expect in terms of individual freedom - and of course, what you offer in return. You must state that friends and being social in general is key in your life, and you expect it to continue to be so. Tell her which activities she is doing that you find attractive and that you don’t expect her to stop doing them just because you may or may not be her boyfriend down the line.

Notice the last sentense… Do NOT bring up the “We are a couple” speech until the END of the conversation - unless you can both agree to the next few things. 

As a pickup artist that thrives in social settings and enjoys female companionship you will most definitely also want to bring up what she can expect from you when you go out. Many of us - no matter if we are men or women - have a tendency to think that once we are in a relationship we own the other party socially. In dealing with this key element up-front you effectively get the other party to accept that he or she does not own you, at all! I remember a time when I was a bartender in my spare time. I started a LTR with a hot girl working at a bar next door to where I was at, … We had no problems understanding each other in this aspect.

On that note, ALWAYS establish what the infidelity limits are. Up-front. Be playful about it, use metaphors or stories about friends of friends if you want to probe her mind before going all-in. An ex-girlfriend of mine drew the line at kissing, another at blowjobs, and yet another at intercourse. I met one that drew the line at deep conversations, too… but that didn’t carry too well in my model of the world. Too many times have I encountered guys that look like SHIT because their girl at home is accusing them of being a cheating bastard (with no justification what so ever) - defining “cheating” up front in very specific terms will help you avoid situations like that. Remember - accept that she has the same rights as you do, or more. 

Those are just some of the key things that you will want to be talking about. I know that you have several other stuff on your individual list - and the person in the seat next to you does as well. Remember to listen and acknowledge their values as you move along. The crucial thing is that you DO talk about what you value in a relationship and expect from her as a partner… Before things heat up or start to wither and die.

Stay tuned for more articles on building LTR’s and please feel free to comment with your views.