The first thing you will want to do when entering into a long-term relationship is to establish what is - and what is NOT - OK in that relationship. I’ll get back to this in a minute. For now feel free to try on a philosophy of mine for size:
A relationship doesn’t just happen - It happens as a result of the desires of two people to be in a relationship with another individual with whom they share a common understanding of the world at one or several levels.
Maintain your individuality
About a year ago I got a call from a client that wanted a piece of advice on how to handle a situation with a girl he had met and found suited to be his long-term partner. I had known the guy for quite some time and I know him to be a very skilled pickup artist. He had been dating this girl for a bit of time now and things were going sour between them. Actually, it had turned into a real mess, and the harder he had tried to conform to what he believed were her standards for a relationship the worse it got for them.
I quickly reminded him that when they attracted each other they were two seperate individuals, each with several good things going for them in their separate lives (see “Building LTR’s as a PUA: Part I” for more info on this). After talking it through I asked him: “Which of the values, qualities and actions that you brought into the relationship are you actively putting out there today?” He quickly came to the conclusion that neither of them were actively doing any of the things that had initially attracted the other part.
Framing the dos and don’ts
After talking some more with my client on how he could actively help himself and thereby the relationship in moving forward I reminded him of something that I have learned and applied in all relationships I have entered over the course of the last 8 years. This concept is one that has later become one of the keys to our Powerful Attraction Model used when coaching our clients to achieve a routine-free, natural and outright honest seduction style. What I am talking about is how to convert from gaming to relating using one of the simplest techniques in the book: Being honest about who you are and what you expect of other people.
Now, I could be all theoretical about this subject, … However, I’d like to show you what I mean by telling you about what I have done as I entered into the last few relationships. Maybe that will give you an idea of how strongly I feel about it, and it will most certainly be something that you can put in your “playbook” as 120 % field-tested with great results! But, beware - this strategy demands you to live up to your promises with a daily effort and is highly controversial compared to external pressure from the expectations of family, friends, in-laws and what-not.
Make it a day to remember
Once I decide it is time to convert a casual relationship into a long one, I’ll invite the girl for a date somewhere that neither of us have ever been before and preferrably as with all the other initial dates in a setting that puts you both under a constructive pressure. I took my last girlfriend out golfing on the “crucial” date, knowing fully that we were both absolute novices at golfing - this way we would both suck and have a laugh at the same time. Other guys I know have taken their girls sky-diving, others still have gone to a chess club, and one guy I know signed his girl up for a poker tournament, … The whole point is to do something out of the ordinary, to make this day one that is remembered as a very special experience where you got to know each other in a totally different way in a highly unusual setting.
To this day, whenever a relationship of mine has ended I have not once experienced that the break-up did not entail a reference from her side to that first memorable date and how we somewhere along the way strayed from that path. And on the positive note, in every relationship the premises agreed on that first “relationship date” have served as amazingly powerful guidelines when building the respective LTR’s.
Planning ahead
Your sole purpose of the date (other than just having a good time) is to come to an agreement about what is OK in a relationship and what is not. Remember, the death of an LTR starts to set in as you gradually stop doing the things that got her attracted to you in the first place.. Before that happens, you start to compromise - and this first “framework” date is an important tool for the both of you in terms of avoiding a slow but certain demise.
Granted, we all change and develop as we move through life and in doing so we apply pressure on the frames of the relationship. I’ll write more about how to handle that in one of the fourthcoming chapters. For now, let me stick to sharing the concepts you will want to address on your date.
In entering the relationship, I have one key structure running through the back of my head: “Equality above all else. Love is contributing without expecting anything in return.”
In general I have had the best success in pre-framing the conversation by letting the girl know about the concept of attraction (we’re individuals with seperate lives, and if we give that up completely, attraction will fade). You don’t have to do the same. However, once she accepts this frame, you can bring up anything that comes to mind using the pre-frame as your cover for doing so.
Recommended topics to cover
You will want to explain what you expect in terms of individual freedom - and of course, what you offer in return. You must state that friends and being social in general is key in your life, and you expect it to continue to be so. Tell her which activities she is doing that you find attractive and that you don’t expect her to stop doing them just because you may or may not be her boyfriend down the line.
Notice the last sentense… Do NOT bring up the “We are a couple” speech until the END of the conversation - unless you can both agree to the next few things.
As a pickup artist that thrives in social settings and enjoys female companionship you will most definitely also want to bring up what she can expect from you when you go out. Many of us - no matter if we are men or women - have a tendency to think that once we are in a relationship we own the other party socially. In dealing with this key element up-front you effectively get the other party to accept that he or she does not own you, at all! I remember a time when I was a bartender in my spare time. I started a LTR with a hot girl working at a bar next door to where I was at, … We had no problems understanding each other in this aspect.
On that note, ALWAYS establish what the infidelity limits are. Up-front. Be playful about it, use metaphors or stories about friends of friends if you want to probe her mind before going all-in. An ex-girlfriend of mine drew the line at kissing, another at blowjobs, and yet another at intercourse. I met one that drew the line at deep conversations, too… but that didn’t carry too well in my model of the world. Too many times have I encountered guys that look like SHIT because their girl at home is accusing them of being a cheating bastard (with no justification what so ever) - defining “cheating” up front in very specific terms will help you avoid situations like that. Remember - accept that she has the same rights as you do, or more.
Those are just some of the key things that you will want to be talking about. I know that you have several other stuff on your individual list - and the person in the seat next to you does as well. Remember to listen and acknowledge their values as you move along. The crucial thing is that you DO talk about what you value in a relationship and expect from her as a partner… Before things heat up or start to wither and die.
Stay tuned for more articles on building LTR’s and please feel free to comment with your views.
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