Powerful Connections

Even though I had a fever, I went out of the door to feel the rain on my skin. It was pouring down. I had no idea where I was going. I decided that I would go in a general direction that was different from the one I chose the day before.

My heart began to race as the rain poured down on me. Such greatness lies in feeling uncertain that I cannot sit still. I had to move. I had to walk. How could I escape my own shadow, were it not for the darkness? I almost felt the urge to run. 

Things are not the way I want them to be, and in such instances I have only 3 choices:

I can accept my situation and embrace it; I can seek to change it, or I can leave it all behind.

The thick raindrops grew stronger, and felt heavier with each stride. All the sudden I felt doubtful like never before. Was it only raindrops, or were there some tears mixed in with them as well?

I have learned that my greatest enemy is pride. My pride, and the pride of other people. Pride is what we pull out when we justify a decision that we have made, even though we have already realized, at some point of consciousness, that the decision is dead wrong. You know what kind of pride I’m talking about here, right?

Thomas Jefferson once said that an injured friend will grow into the bitterest of foes. I have come to the understanding that one of my friends is injured. I have offered what I perceived the best form of remedy. My friend was injured due to my bad judgement. It came to my attention that not was all well, like my friend had told me. I was sad, then angry that my friend would not tell me this directly to my face.

As I thought it through, anger turned to disappointment. Not about my friend’s words, but about the fact that my friend would not even contribute me even the most basic amount of goodness and say things to my face. And then, sadness kicked in once again.

All things happen for a reason. The raindrop told me that as it hit my face.

I do not know what the future will bring, and I cannot live in the past. Worries are all about fear of something that has not yet happened or about something in the past that we cannot change anyway. We need to live in the moment, don’t we? 

These rainy thoughts of mine were sparked by a course of action that hurt another person’s feelings, and I cannot explain how I came up with that choice. The rain couldn’t either.

The term “chivalry” is derived from the French word “cheval” - In English: Horse. And yet, I so desperately want to be a knight in shining armour. How funny is that?

I know that the world I live in is a direct result of the choices I make. I also believe that I am capable of learning through feedback given to me based on these choices, and I believe with all my heart that everyone deserves the chance to prove that they can learn.

But the raindrops didn’t agree with me.

In some relationships, you only get one shot. To some, it’s not an option to provide a second chance. Many of us miss out on a great deal as we seek to protect ourselves from being hurt. I should know - I have lived my life like this for way too long. I have been proud. I have been hurt, and I have inflicted hurt upon others.

In other words: I have lived.

Ironic isn’t it? In life, we choose pain to avoid feeling hurt.

And so, I thought about changing my situation. To be chivalrous.  To proclaim my undying devotion through all sorts of heroic deeds.  My mind came up blank.

The raindrops didn’t help me.

As I stood there, drenched in water, I found myself in a position where I could actually have done something of great valor. And so, I chose to do the most chivalrous deed I could think of. I felt proud as I helped an old lady cross the street in the rain, before fighting my way back home.

“The motto of chivalry is also the motto of wisdom; to serve all, but love only one.”

- Honore de Balzac

You are about to read something that, when you let it, will make a difference in your life. I know you might be thinking: ”What makes this guy so special?” - And it’s OK to wonder because it means you will be learning many things from reading this page. And all the things, even all the less important things such as my age – 32 – and other more important stuff… are important in some aspect. That’s right, all information on this page will make sense in due time.

I used to be a pickup artist. I used to believe in an analytical approach towards communication with women. Actually, I used to celebrate my ”wins” by writing field reports about them. Sure, I said to other people that it was all about measuring my development but, in truth, it was really all about bragging. PUA’s at that time (10-6 years ago) respected PUA’s that got laid a lot. 6 years ago I got bored with it all. I stopped thinking about seduction as a hardcore skill you could learn, and began loving the people around me.

At that point in time I experienced personal freedom for the first time in my life. I was 26 years old.

My career was a crazy journey of success and not many people understood me when I quit my job in 2007 to become a coach.

I took some NLP training and began coaching in two directions that are actually 90 % identical: Seduction, and… Sales. Some professional coaches have met me with a frown. How could Seduction coaching be serious!?!? I missed out on 1.000’s of dollars in business coaching due to prejudiced attitudes towards the seduction community. The losses only heightened my motivation to make a difference in the world, and today I’m a very public figure in the Danish media. They call me ”The Dating Coach.” - Some even refer to me as ”the ‘Hitch’ of Denmark.”

But, I am not a pickup artist even though I have 10 years of experience with the pickup artist lifestyle. I am a guy that loves people. And for some reason, a lot of people love me back. Therein lies my personal freedom.

How universally free are you?

I find it ever so interesting to be in the company of people that are experiencing hard times ”because of the financial crisis.” So many people in this world have dreams about what they want to become, about the life they want to build. And none-the-less, most of us do not get there. We need to blame someone or something for where we are today, and what could possibly be better than to point your index finger at something as abstract as the ”financial crisis.”

Or what about guys that are unhappy because they are single for some reason… Have you ever heard the phrase ”If only I had good looks.” - Or maybe you know guys that think their success in hooking up with new women is related to their money or status in general. And since they may not have that yet, they attribute their lack of success to it.

Here’s an interesting conclusion of a research article I read recently: It is possible to observe and break down a conversation of a couple and then with 95 % accuracy, to predict whether or not that couple will break up within a 14 year period. I kid you not! Personally, as an experienced NLP coach and hypnotherapist I was astonished to read about how easy it was to predict that a couple would break up – or not.

Ever since I accidentally stumbled upon websites and email newsgroups related to the Pickup Artist movement 10 years ago, I have grown and evolved with the entailed principles. The PUA beliefs were acknowledged, accepted and adopted, and I set forth on a journey through a new world. The journey was amazing, not only with women.

On top of that my coaching and NLP training have taught me that we are all responsible for each and every result we have achieved in our life. So, if this is true, how can it be possible to predict an outcome of all relationships with a 95 % degree of certainty?

To answer that question, I’d like to invite you to consider the tagline of my NLP trainer, Steve Linder at SRI Coaching:

The world demands results, not excuses – which will you deliver?

The above tagline directly adresses one of our key meta models; being at cause vs. being at the effect. I bring this to your attention now, as I believe that you will be able to increase your personal freedom massively once you consciously understand and address this single meta model on a daily basis.

When we are at the effect, we are coming up with external excuses to explain why we are where we are today. A key tip-off is the word ”because” I.E.

• You make me feel angry because you show up late.
• She makes me feel sad because she laughs at me.

… or it could be something like:

• The financial crisis makes me feel hopeless about my options.

Overall, only 5 % of us are consistantly at cause in our own lives. It seems a lot EASIER for us to blame someone else for our situation than it does to take responsibility for it. I mean, seriously, when was the last time you had a thought like one of the above, only to stop in your tracks and ask yourself:

• How does her showing up late cause you to CHOOSE to feel angry?
• How does her laughing at you cause you to CHOOSE to feel sad?
• How SPECIFICALLY does the financial crisis cause you to CHOOSE to feel hopeless?

Yeah, I know, … it almost seems too simple, right? Well, these questions allow you to recover what choice you made. You become aware that since you had a choice, you could also have chosen something else. All choices about how you feel can be remade when you want to start thinking differently about things. Maybe you want to do it now or in a minute, that’s all up to you. Just as long as you understand that you are in charge of your mind and emotions which, in turn, drive the results you get in life.

As you now understand this concept, you may or may not find yourself asking new questions that will help drive you forward. Questions like: ”How can I choose to feel good about her showing up late?” or ”what other choices do I have that will drive me forward?” - I don’t know what questions you will be coming up with… It’s totally up to you.

The most important choice in my life

The second part of this article is also the concept I base my entire business model on, regardless of the type of coaching I deliver. Once again, let me direct you to Steve Linder, who said it with crystal clarity:

It’s not about making a living, but making a difference.

All in all, I believe I am where I am today because I have gotten up everyday of my life for the past few years with the thought: ”How will I make a positive difference in the world today?”

I do not think about selling – I focus on how I can help my (potential) client achieve his or her desired outcome.

I do not compromise on this focus and to me, the financial crisis never existed. My business actually grew by more than 100 % over the past year. Some say it’s because I’m a great coach. I say I deliver great coaching because I care about making a difference.

The same goes for seduction. Whenever I meet a woman that I engage in a conversation with, I focus on how I can make a positive impact; a positive difference in her life. If I witness something that would have made me nervous or sad in the old days, I simply ask myself one simple question:

Which external event sparked this response from the other person?

In fact, this is the answer to how it is possible to predict the outcome of long-term relationships. From the second we meet our partner, we form patterns that we base our relationship on. Patterns that can be destructive or constructive. Patterns that can make or break our shared world in the long run. We are not necessarily aware of the patterns themselves but we do see the symptoms of them. And that’s when we choose to be at the effect of the symptoms. We solve one symptom, then another comes to our attention. We solve that one, only to find yet another one. It’s like trying to keep your computer clear of viruses when maybe you should be looking at which of the sites you are browsing that may put you at risk, right?

So here’s my take on what you can choose to do instead

I remember that I choose to make a positive impact on other people. I remember that life is full of surprises and yet, no matter what, the sun will always come up in the East the following morning. All people are worthy of your respect, even if they perform shitty actions. It’s never personal. It’s always about your actions. You can change your actions and, as you focus on making a difference, your actions will be directed towards exactly that.

These are the universal truths that define my manifesto. Maybe you’re the curious type. If so, you’re welcome to try this mindset on for a while. Some other, very successful people I know have done exactly that – and they won’t give it back!

Here’s to you making a difference in your life with every breath,

Anders