What makes a story a great story? How do you use storytelling to convey emotional depth and demonstrate high value?
To answer the questions above, perhaps it would make sense to look into what is valuable, and then to understand the key elements needed to allow your counterpart to feel that you add value to the world.
What is valuable?
One of the key mistakes I witness when coaching sales reps is the tendency to focus inside our comfort zone in terms of content. This is especially relevant for newcomers to the sales function, where most of us would have a tendency to really get to understand the features of our product, so that we will be able to respond to any objections from a product feature perspective. However, whether a salesman or pickup artist you must first understand that your product is not important. The features are not important. What you have experienced is not important. In fact, it is worthless if you cannot translate it into the emotions associated with these things and, more importantly, the value your features or experiences bring to others.
Let me give you a quick example of the way this relates to both sales and pickup methodology: Let’s break down the elements of a perfect message - and let it sit for a while, before you start looking inside your own stories to find out how you can improve them.
The 4MAT Model (by Bernice McCarthy)
In communicating sharply with others I cannot over-emphasize the importance of providing your messages with the right structure. The most powerful and understandable tool I use to help people understand is the 4MAT model developed by Bernice McCarthy, which consists of 4 elements:
- WHY you need to listen - why is this relevant to you. This step can be factual, and needs to address emotions to be truly effective. You need to establish relevance and get personal involvement from your listener before moving on.
- WHAT are the main headlines of the topic (in sales: the solution). This is purely factual and can be wrapped up in metaphors for emotional effect.
- HOW one executes on the topic (in sales: a more specific implementation roadmap). Step by step, factual and, depending on the person at the other end, more or less specific. When training others, this step is achieved through exercises.
- WHAT IF or THE EFFECT of the what’s and how’s. For PUA purposes, choose a highly emotionally oriented approach. For sales purposes, supply more factual / measurable input.
This next section will show you how I apply this communication model in terms of seduction. I’ve covered this in other terms before, check out the posts on how to deliver high value (DHV) for more perspectives.
What is important to remember when telling a girl who you really are at your core is to remember a phrase coined by Anthony Robbins:
“We buy with our emotions, and justify with our logic.”
This phrase is extremely important whether you are selling or seducing, and here’s an example to show you why.
The Logical Response
Let’s say I am talking with a nice girl who now becomes moderately interested in me and asks me what I do for a living. The normal, casual response, would be to simply blirt out “I’m a pickup coach” or something along those lines. Well, although I can always make a comeback and explain why I love coaching, it’s still uphill. In communicating from a logical frame of mind, I’m using the WHAT part of the 4MAT to adress the “purchase justification center.”
I always use the above response if I’m talking to a girl I’m not atracted to, and I keep the verbal conversation extremely logical, as I link “emotional talk” strongly with “conveying attraction.” Well, OK, nudge me, and I might share that I also use this response if I believe she is coming on too strong, and I just want to toy with her for a while. I admit it, I’m like a kitten with a string sometimes.
In my experience, I have a lot more impact in addressing her emotions, and the quickest way to do so is to address the VALUE of what I do.
The Emotional Response
For a period of time I would respond in terms of direct value of my services. Turns out I was actually just mystifying what I did. I’d reply: “I help people realize their potential and use it to achieve stuff beyond their wildest dreams.”
This reply serves two purposes:
- To convey the value of my job to the people I serve.
- It’s a paraphrase of the WHAT in 4MAT - a metaphor for “coaching”
However, I found that this phrase was not strong enough in terms of communicating with her emotions. Some of the more clever girls would simply retort with: “Oh, so you’re a coach.”
Hmmm, that doesn’t cut it with the intelligent girls then - and ladies, intelligence is at the top of my list of screening values!! So, I have to come up with something else to keep their inner dialogue boomin’ - and that’s when I came up with something so vague and, sorry if I sound like I’m full of it, brilliant, I couldn’t believe my eyes after the first 20 tests:
“Well, how would you feel if a guy noticed those exact awesome personal features you bring to the table, and he knew exactly how to handle you so that you would feel special with every second you were in his presence?”
“… That’s what I do.”
It’s always incredibly amusing to witness their eyes as they try to analyze what I just said. They CAN’T because they are logically trying to process an emotional hydrogen bomb! What I did right there was hit right on the money in the WHAT IF category - and that, my dear reader, is golden!
Go ahead and do the same extrapolation on your job, … as a result of you doing your job, who benefits and how?
The Complete 4MAT Response
You may want to be more dramatic about replying to the question “so, what do you do for a living?” - or any other question for that matter… I hope you can see the application of this model throughout any and all communication between yourself and a woman (or a customer for that matter) as you move forward.
Although I hardly ever use the full version anymore, simply because I have found it more powerful to just leave a trail of bred-crumbs from the WHAT IF… response, it is important to fully understand the different steps. So, without further bantering: Here’s the longer version that follows the 4MAT model to a tee.
- WHY: Let me ask you a question… have you ever found yourself standing in a bar, staring down Mr. Wonderful for seconds that would turn into minutes, and NOTHING happened, he did’t do ANYTHING? [pause, they always say YES] Right! And as the seconds grew into minutes you’d start wondering if HE was insecure, or if something was wrong with YOU, or whatever that is - Right? [pause, another yes] Exactly. You see, it may be stupid, but most guys in that situation ARE attracted to you, they’re just scared shitless that they will goof it up in saying something stupid, or that you will chew their arm of if they approach you, so they DON’T approachyou. It’s gotta piss you off as much as it pisses me off, right?
- WHAT: Well, I help these guys understand that there is nothing to be afraid of, and that they are better men as a result of acting on their desires. I provide them with insights into their own psyche and train them in using groundbreaking communication principles. This helps them to take charge in their life and unlock potential they never even knew they had.
- HOW: One of the best ways to learn new skills is to TAKE ACTION, can we agree on that? [handle whatever] - So what I do, at least in this part of my proffession, is help these guys out LIVE in the field with ACTUAL women they have never met before. We have these seminars and workshops here we cover everyting from personal leadership to what women value in general and how to address that. During our seminar our attendants talk with a TON of people, not just women, to hone their social skills, I really love to see the glow in their eyes as the seminars come to an end. You know, you can actually tell if a woman is interested in a matter of seconds? [if she doesn't ask for an example, I'll just open any random girl, get her smiling and send her off again. If she does ask for an example, I'll just look her in the eye and smile while I tell her she's a naughty girl!]
- WHAT IF… How would you feel if a guy noticed those exact awesome personal features you bring to the table, and he knew exactly how to handle you so that you would feel special with every second you were in his presence? Can you imagine what it would look like if every person in this room just took the courage to act on their basic desires with the underlying intent of just having a great time with everyone else!
Well, there you have it; a complete breakdown of one the most powerful communication structures that is being used by sales- marketing- and communication specialists throughout the world. And, as it happens, by one of Denmark’s most noted pickup coaches.
Don’t believe me? Take a look at any interesting advertisement in the next magazine you open and THEN tell me I’m wrong.
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Basically, when you go to one of our pickup seminars or bootcamps, you will hear me say one thing very often, as I have said it aloud for the past 6 years now: To become a great PUA you must be honest to others. But first you must be honest to yourself. In truth, after all has been said and done at a seminar, I may have taught you close to all I know about social dynamics, however… the knowledge will only hold a very light impact in terms of external resuts, until you start being 100% honest with women.
