In this video I share some of my thoughts on key mindsets of a mature, natural pickup artist (PUA). These thoughts have been a driving force in my life for a long time, and were released from my unconscious mind in a recent NLP training in Orlando, FL. I can only hope they will be as useful to you as they are to many of my coaching clients.
Feel free to comment, and please: Share this video when it sparks something positive inside of you.
When I recently found myself faced with a very important question from a female friend that I hold very dear, I found myself baffled. We talked for a short while and I noticed that she was evading eye contact at certain key points. Now, I’m a no bullshit kind of guy when with friends and I demand complete honesty from those closest to me, so I asked what was going on.
Honestly, I had no idea how to respond to her next question and I know deep inside that the words that came out of my mouth were both impulsive and completely lame. At least, they were very honest, too.
The question she put forth was: “Do you have a crush on me?”
At first, I went inside, as my inner dialogue repeated her question over and over… “Do I have a crush on her?”
If you have read my previous blog post about my friendship with said girl, you will know that flirting for fun has not been banned in our world. Maybe her question was an expression of her feeling that I flirted too much, even though I feel I have gone several miles to underline that I have in deed been holding back, consciously. Maybe it was something else - Maybe something was going on inside of her and not me… I don’t know.
What I do know is that I don’t know, and not knowing is sometimes worth more than knowing.
Had it been any other girl I would have handled the question for what it is in terms of seduction terms; a shit test. But, I have made a promise to myself. A promise that I have extended onto her: I am not a PUA when I am with her. Perhaps this promise is the sole premise of the sanctity I feel in our friendship, which is why it is one I am completely focused on keeping.
In my hierarchy of values she has risen to become one of my most valued friends in no time at all. I have experienced some immense insights over the course of our discussions. Because of it, and due to her unfiltered openness, I hold her at the utmost regard in terms of human quality. In knowing this, I decided to attribute her question to a desire of wanting to keep things 100 % out in the open.
On the other hand…
A friendship of this level of depth with someone of the opposite sex is new to me and - at least that’s my belief - it is unprecedented within my circle of friends, many of whom are some of the most hardcore PUA’s I’ve ever come across. Where I have been in life, friendship with a girl is shallow and has served one of two purposes (or both):
Those are the RULES that a PUA lives by. Whether your focus is specifically on entourage game or on recovering from a LJBF you did not purposely end up in, these two little sentences are the LAW.
Actually, I have trained, advised or coached the vast majority of the guys I now call friends. The focus has been how to become better at social communication in one way or the other, so I’m not surprised with them pacing me along. I have felt misunderstood with every step of my journey into this friendship with the sole comfort in the knowledge that SHE got it; she saw me. Feeling this deep in my stomache, I responded with a complete disregard of everything I have learned over the last 10 years of being a PUA:
“Well, I thought you were attractive, and I still do. I have asked myself that same question a few times, and I found out that the attraction is there. However, I have made a conscious choice that I value our friendship a lot more than I would value the thought of escalating the notions of attraction, as I feel that friendships endure longer than relationships. I feel completely comfortable with the way things are right now.”
How on Earth I came up with that answer I do not know. Things moved along fine after that. I shared, she shared. It was pleasant, and yet I had a distinct feeling that our degree of openness had reduced by a slight margin. Was it all inside of me? Did I overthink her intent? Where did the question really come from? What really happened? I don’t know.
What I do know is that I don’t know, and not knowing is sometimes worth more than knowing.
Our conversation moved along and we went our seperate ways. I had a ton of questions racing inside of me, my head was buzzing ominously. Like I was the host of a dark sorceror’s convention or a formula 1 race or something.
I responded briefly to an e-mail she had sent, and she responded yet again with something I clearly interpreted as doubt towards my intent, so I threw back a quick one-liner, yet again attempting to communicate my priorities in our position towards one another.
As I went out that same day, my head was still spinning… I decided to do what I do best and hooked up with a girl. Made out with her to clear my system, took her number. Then, another girl. After that I went to a new place and met 2 more girls. 3 hours had passed by, and I was on my fourth girl. I vaguely remember visions of sexual acts with doubtful quality… I went to a third place, got hammered beyond recognition, and went home.
Sometime during the next day my head cleared. Sticking to my self-imposed identity of a no bullshit kind of guy, I decided to write a quick email, stating my doubts and inner dialogue. Just a brief one, or so I thought. The point: To let her know how much I value our friendship and how stressful I felt about her doubting my intentions, as I felt it hindered me in my freedom towards her.
I ended up spilling my gutts, thinking to myself: “If anyone can handle it, it’s going to be her.” In fact, I don’t really know that for sure.
Don’t get me wrong, … I still feel great about my friendship with this girl. Sure, there are certain aspects that I need to look into - I am learning something new with every sunrise these days. There are so many things I do not yet know.
What I do know is that I don’t know, and not knowing is sometimes worth more than knowing.
If you’ve been finding yourself on the path of the pickup artist (PUA) for some time you will definitely recognize this scenario. You’re flying high, rolling through a bar or club, as you notice a pack of girls and here you go, … Two minutes into the conversation with your new friends one of them commands your attention.
“Oh my God, … dude, who do you think we are, leave us alone, you (insert whatever bullshit reason she utters)…”
Or, somewhere along the conversation, which up until now has moved along perfectly, the girl you fancy confronts you by saying something like:
“You’re trying to pick me up, aren’t you?”
What just happened there was what in classic PUA terms is known as a shit test. We call it a test, because basically the pack or the individual girl is testing to see your congruency. Unconsciously the girl is weeding out the “losers” that can’t stand their ground. Shit testing a guy is a great technique to achieve this outcome.
I don’t know about you but the first 300 times a woman threw me a shit test of some sort I would fail miserably. My ego was big and my identity was weak. Basically, deep down inside, I felt insecure of my qualities and attractive features. As a result my logical response to these shit tests were: “I need to defend myself” or “I need to comply with social conformity and supplicate to her input.”
This would translate into a response a bit like this:
“No, I’m not… I wouldn’t do that, we’ve only just met… Why would I try to pick you up?”
Now, responding in this way is quite risky because
These factors combined will translate insecurity and creates a suspicion of you being a dork bigger than the guy everyone hated in high school. The most likely outcome is that the girl will shortly leave but, if you’re a good looker OR have something else going you will still be in… Only, it will be hard work from there, as she will be shit testing you on anything from that point.
Most importantly: By accepting her frame, you are accepting that the level of communication between the two of you occurs on a logical level. That’s a no go, in case you were wondering.
After going with insecure for a while, I switched to the overly secure, more arrogant response. I would think of myself as a bigger star than George Clooney and come from a frame of “I can have every girl I want in this world - fuck off.” As a result my statement would be overly anti-supplicant, I.E.
“What the fuck are you talking about, you think you’re that hot?”
Or:
“I wouldn’t touch you even if you were bound, gagged, naked and rubbing your ass in my face.”
:-) you get the idea, … and I bet you can imagine that this part of my PUA journey didn’t result in a lot of sexual experiences. I did have a lot of fun though. That aside, what happens when you respond to a shit test from an overly confident frame is:
Reason being: Most people will tell you that behind every arrogant face is a desire to over-compensate for a fear of being inadequate. The results will vary; she might blow up in your face and make it her mission for the evening to embarrass you beyond all reason; she will ask you to LEAVE NOW; she will slap you (one threw her beer at my face - at least she had the courtesy to hang onto her glass), or she leaves. I recall very few successful interactions when dealing with shit tests in the overly confident manner. Be forewarned.
Look, the first thing you will want to convey is that you are in your world and that place is a pretty strong one. Basically, the best way to remember and this and act accordingly is to think of a shit test as being totally irrelevant to what is going on between you. It is your JOB to take care of her and you need to show her that you can take care of yourself first. The key word in this paragraph was: “irrelevant,” here’s the approach you might want to try out:
Read and re-read this and once your done, read it again: When the shit tests come up, IGNORE them. Do not defend, do not attack, simply ignore her attempts to blow you out of the sky. You are the biggest tree in the park and she’s trying to bring you down with a plastic spoon. Good luck girlfriend!
Let’s say that you are talking about something like, say, how much you enjoy getting up early in the morning and look forward to all the beautiful things that will happen during the day, each day of your life, … It would play out like this:
HER: “You’re trying to pick me up, aren’t you?”
YOU: “The most beautiful thing about my mornings is probably that I get to go to my swimming pool and do 20 laps in complete solitude. Hey, do you like swimming?”
HER: (if she’s persistant) “Well, are you?”
YOU: “YEAH, I love it, there’s nothing like that… 20 laps in the morning really fills me with energy (ok that was sneaky). Do you like swimming?”
HER: Yeah / No / Whatever (you passed the shit test)
The result of this transaction is:
Being indifferent towards shit tests will also work extremely well once you are alone with the girl, going for a makeout or whatnot. Let’s assume you are sitting in a dark and misty corner of the club, deep into emotionally engaged conversation laced with a few pointers of your intentions towards you. She’s all hot and bothered as her ASD kicks in. What is her go to strategy? Shit testing.
“You’re way too charming/sexy/whatever. I bet you are with NEW girls ALL THE TIME.”
You can go several ways with the shit test above, one of my favorite approaches is to run anti-ASD tactics and another great way to handle this one is to simply be indifferent, look her deep into her eyes and bend your forehead forward, causing it to touch hers. I recall quite a lot of makeouts that ensued this move.
Personally at the stage of life where I am at, I prefer running a reversed screening designed to 1) test her self esteem, and 2) turn the table so that she feels she is chasing me more than I am her, like this:
“Oh, … staying here was your idea, and I had no idea that you are having thoughts about kissing me now, … you’re dangerous.” Pull her in closer and smile as you say she’s “dangerous” and then push her back gently, continue talking about whatever.
- This approach is one of my absolute favorites. It usually takes no more than a couple of minutes before all hell breaks loose and you’ll be in for a very long night. Try it out and share with a comment, I dare you!
The last of my highly recommended tactics for handling the shit test works particularly well when you are still in a position where others can overhear your response. Sure, it works in one on one conversations as well. However, I would most definitely go with indiffernence and inside-outs in one on one’s, as I’m sure you will understand in a second.
If you have ever watched the movide “8 Mile” with Eminem, you will know exactly what I am talking about. at the end of the movie, Eminem’s character is doing a rap battle and, as he gets up to do his final rap of the night before his competitor gets a chance to retort, he does something brilliant: Rather than trashing his opponent, Eminem trashes - himself!
1 minute later the other guy takes the mic and stands still - Eminem took away all of his bullets and blasted them into himself. What are you gonna fire at me now bitch? - Top this off with a turnaround, complimenting the person for pointing out your obvious short-comings, while attributing this to a positive trait in her personality, … and giggle inside as you notice her confusion while you revert to whatever topic you were talking about. It’s golden.
This strategy, known to us as the “Take the knife and stab yourself,” is one we teach at our bootcamps to great effect. It would play out like this:
YOU: “I love swimming, I actually do to the pool every morning and do 20 laps, it’s really rewarding!”
HER: “Boy, you need to stop lying or leave” (comply with my frame that you’re lying and watch me laugh)
YOU: “Oh my God, you’re right. I just lied, OH DAMN you caught me with that one. It’s just because I’m SOOO insecure and I’ve got ABSOLUTELY no social skills, and I’m such a PRICK - I deserve to be treated like a LEPPER for actually throwing a fit like this. But, you know… I really have to thank you for pointing this out to me. Basically, I’ve been lying to MYSELF the entire evening, and it takes a great person like you, you know, a really honest and open person, to tell me this with a positive intention and help me understand that being social is all about being relaxed. Thank you! I bet you pointed this out to me beacuse you love swimming?”
Be careful not to over-do this one and come across as arrogant. It takes finesse to get this one down but, when done with flair, I can guarantee that you will NOT be receiving shit tests from her ever again. In essence, you are doing the following:
Neat, huh? It’s a sneaky mo-fo. Again, be careful not to overdo this one, or you will come across as a psycho. You need to be very suave to get this to work in your favor, and when you have it down it’s by far one of the best techniques to handle other guys (AMOG’s) trying to blow you out of the skies. Consider this example from a friend of mine:
As I was randomly chatting up a girl at a cocktail bar I notice a guy drooling at her from a distance. He had been over there before I approached and he was smelling like a chump from far across the room. We continue chatting and he walks up with the sole intent of blowing me down.
HIM: “Hey man..! Are you trying to pick up this girl???” (haha, what a nice play)
PUA: “W-w-w-YEAH. I am, and you know what I SUCK at it, she wouldn’t go home with me even if I was the last guy on Earth BUT you know what - I could clearly tell from across the room that you’ve got SOLID game, man! I bet you can teach me a trick or two on how to behave with girls and get laid more often. I’d LOVE it if you were to show me some plays!!! Hey, how do the two of you know each other??”
HER: “Oh, I don’t know HIM!”
HIM: Stands still, looking like someone who realized he has just walked out of the restroom with seamen hanging from his lips, then walks back to the rathole he came out of.
Do I need to tell you whether or not my friend got the girl? I hope not. :-)
Thanks for investing your time in this - you know it will come back to you and the girls you meet, shaped as valuable moments.
