Powerful Connections

A reader asked me why the field reports on this site generally end without me closing the deal 100 % - there has been one exception in a field report was written by Martin one of our coaches at Powerful Attraction.

Actually, NOT posting about SNL’s (same night lays) ONS’s (one night stands) and STR’s (short-term relationships) has been a conscious choice of mine for quite some time. The reason behind the choice is quite simple - it relates to some of my key priciples in being a pickup coach.

When writing up field reports, I have two main concerns; one is PUA driven, the other is moral and motivation driven. The PUA driven side is mainly an expression of my desire to post-analyze what went down and to share my learning with you. And then again, there is a deeper meaning to it:

The good pickup artist (PUA) knows that in escalating a relationship with any woman to the point of a relationship (in PUA terms everything before the point of intercourse is defined as no relationship), he will often have to walk the woman through her anti slut defense (ASD). Good PUA’s know that women love sex and one of the key elements standing between you and sex is your ability to convey to the woman that sleeping with you will not imply her being a slut; cheap, or easy if you will. So, for sex to happen, among other things you have to provide her a way to not seem like a slut, simple as that.

What is ASD? 

Women will build guilt by having sex too quickly with a man, which is something that society would often call “slutty behavior.” Assuming she has enough time to think about the consequences - ASD is a reaction causing her to come up with reasons that she shouldn’t have sex with you in order to relieve her of taking responsibility for doing what she really wants to do. If left undealt with, the ASD will lead to last minute resistance (LMR) in bed, which in turn leads to no sex or, later on, to a girl flaking on you by suddenly being unable to meet (with little or no warning), or not taking your calls. 

How to deal with ASD

Handling the ASD response is one of the most central issues for a PUA. ASD is the reason we isolate her from the pack before escalating. ASD is the reason we do verbal take-aways after delivering our statement of (sexual) intent. If you ask me, ASD is the driving mechanism behind 70 % of the accumulated PUA material out there today. That’s how important this topic is.

What you really need to do to deal with the ASD is create a sense of certainty in her mind. At some point during the interaction your conversation will inevitably turn to sex and at that point she needs to know that you are experienced, yet not the bragging type. In other words, she needs to know that you know and can provide what she wants and you don’t kiss and tell. 

Heck, I once knew a girl that would only have sex with married men because: “Who the hell are they going to tell without risking a divorce!”

In this day and age, everybody reads everything on the internet - hell, my mom is probably reading this blog post, too! (hi mom!). I’m pretty sure that many of the girls I date read these blog posts, and I do not want to expose any of them. (Oh, if you thought we were exclusive: you never got that idea from me!) 

So, back to the “how” in this: Provide a safety net for the girl by isolating her from her friends. At some point, stress that you understand her for not showing who she REALLY wants to be around men when her friends are close by. Whenever she backs down in escalation, I strongly suggest that you acknowledge her socially driven response with words like “You are right, we shouldn’t be doing this…”  and then ASSUME FULL RESPONSIBILTY by saying stuff like: “you’re just too damn hot, I can’t help it…” True masters proceed with a true talent for acting it out, … “But no.. you’re right… so, as I was saying…” and then talk as if nothing had happened while escalating non-verbally. 

No-sex FR’s from a moral perspective

In terms of motivation and learning I have always found stories with unhappy endings to be the ones that inspired me the most. Sure, I’ve written many lay reports earlier in my life, all high on the adrenaline that can only be achieved through the feeling of having accomplished a desired outcome. Actually, I’m writing a (free) e-book with some of the best stories from my PUA life, most of these end up in a “relationship.”

I’ll tell you more about that project when the time comes - for now, let me get to the second point of the subject at hand:

Ever since the seduction community exploded in active participants and curious followers we have seen a similar growth in focus on externally validated results. 2007 and most of 2008 was all about who could hook up with most girls in a year; who was fastest from approach to sex, who could do the fastest makeout after initial eye-contact. I’m not judging anyone. In fact, I used to live that very same way. What dawned on me along the way was: Living your life as a slave of external validation has nothing to do with giving value to the girls you meet. It has absolutely nothing to do with achieving personal growth. 

I believe that we learn faster by analyzing how things didn’t play out as planned, and I believe that there is no real achievement in boasting about successful external results. This blog is all about conveying the importance of being congruent with your core traits and sticking to your inner values, while at the same time respecting women and adding value to their lives. 

I hope you can read the above moral standpoint between the lines of all present and future field reports found on this blog.

You are more than welcome to leave a comment or share this article using the share button below before you go out there and choose to make this day a great one!

A lot of people I meet have pre-conceptions about who I am and the life I live as soon as they hear me answer the question: ”So what do you do for a living?” with the words ”I’m a pickup coach.”

I’ve met a lot of different people over the years and most all of them have been fun to witness as the above sentense alone would make them take one step back from me, either physically or verbally.

One of the things that entertain me the most is that the majority of the people that have learned about my profession have a biased idea about the implications of my job and they are never scared of sharing their points of view.

”Oh, so you must be hooking up with a lot of girls?”

”How do you feel about being so manipulating?”

… And more questions along those lines. It was just a few days ago when a girl actually accused me of being easy… I found that extremely amusing since I was screening her to find out whether or not it would work between us and I had refrained from making any moves on her what so ever.

I am often accused of being arrogant, simply because I do not believe in the possibility of me being rejected. Many people have a hard time of understanding this mental strategy, so they choose to label me: Arrogant, full of it, smart-ass.

That is the go to strategy for most of us when we don’t understand something: We distort input and fit it in with a label that we DO understand. So I am perceived as arrogant on many occasions. And I have no problems with it; I respect other people’s perception of the world.

Through the last 7 months of being single I have learnt that the world is what we make it to be. I have been through lows and highs along the way. I have met several new friends and interesting girls and I have been through a journey of commercial ups and downs.

Every step of the way I have held my core principles at heart: To me, life has become all about contributing to other people, even those that do not hold you at highest regard.

What most of us do not get, what we fail to miss, are the feelings behind other people’s behavior. I’ll be completely open with you: I do not live the life of a rock star. I do not hook up with girls every day of the week. I do not manipulate with people to make them do as I want them to. Yes, I CAN – No, I DON’T.

I live to serve others to the best of my ability and I do not want to hook up with a girl unless she is extremely special. That, to me, is what being a pickup coach is all about.

Only one person can ever be responsible for the standards you hold for yourself, and I will always choose to raise my standards and be open to input from people with an open mind and heart, whenever I doubt what is the right level to aim for… What are your standards?

Is it possible for a man and a woman to be good friends? I mean, is it really possible that we can experience one another as friends on an exceptionally deep level of understanding without at some point re-arranging our set of priorities and transform the relationship into something physical?

Before attending my first NLP training I was 120 % inclined to reject the possibility of a male / female relationship based solely on non-sexual intentions. At some point, I believed, one of the parties will always turn towards our genetic purpose. Sexual attraction will build. The feeling of friendship will either develop into something physical or it will perish. 99 % of my communication was pre-processed and pre-designed to achieve a certain outcome inside the other person. I was effectively denying myself from living in the moment.

Throughout most of my adult life this belief has defined which friends I have chosen. My friends have all been male. And then… all the sudden… I met this amazing woman that really got me thinking. I’m actually still thinking the topic through, deciding whether or not to completely let go of my old belief that was adopted through years of focus and application of seductive communication principles. Or, well, … I have decided to surrender myself completely to the flow of the moment.  

Adapt yourself to the life you have been given; and truly love the people with whom destiny has surrounded you. - Marcus Aurelius

When I first met this woman I found myself doing several transderivational searches as we talked for about two hours. My initial thoughts were that this was a very hot and to me very attractive woman with great self-esteem, and I couldn’t quite figure it out; her level of density and ability to communicate with no filters baffled me. Don’t get me wrong, I have met several women along the way that have inspired and posed a challenge to me. This particular woman has a way about her though… As I walked home from our first encounter I remember asking myself if I was dreaming. Could she really be as straightforward as I had perceived? What was she doing that made it so easy for me to choose to listen, I mean really listen, to her person rather than just searching for ways to escalate our relationship into something more?

Had I met this woman in the distant past, I would not have been ready for this thought process. I have been on a long journey and I have explored many relations to get to where I am today. I feel enlightened, not superior. I feel genuine, and this story would not have been possible if I had not made a conscious choice to be open and thankful towards the world. Thank you Steve, thank you friends, for providing me with the questions I need to really look inside of myself.

As a pickup artist I was used to communicate on several levels, and the women that have managed to challenge me by calling me out for being in my head have traditionally won my heart fairly quickly. Even though I have managed to learn how to communicate mainly from my heart and not my head - or crotch - I have always, to some extent, been applying some sort of analytical sense and evaluatio of the social dynamics between myself and the woman with whom I was engaged in conversation. You may think of me as a cynic, and in hindsight I completely agree. It is one of the oldest PUA paradigms in play: Man and woman cannot ever truly be friends, because one of the parties will always seek to fulfill their genetic purpose in life over their conscious efforts.

But, as I think this through - I find this paradigm to be one that inhibits the PUA from the freedom to really FEEL the woman he is communicating with. If we are to extrapolate on this thought, everything a PUA does is hindered by an invisible filter inhibiting him from truly opening up to other people. We fail to understand what Shakespeare did long before us:

“Hear the meaning within the word.” - William Shakespeare

So, there I was… at a bar with an amazingly beautiful, intelligent and feminine woman thinking to myself that I was completely fascinated by her spirit and drawn to her “glow.” We had talked about a ton of stuff, I felt as if I had known her core person for years and I had communicated something to a woman that would previously transcend beyond my wildest dreams: “I appreciate you as a friend.”

At one point during our talk the other night I actually felt completely naked. I was in my right element, showing who I really was and listening to who she really was, as I was feeling completely relaxed about the whole thing. And then my brain entered the arena… Reminding me of the physical attraction, encouraging me to seek beyond the level of friendship we had built in just three conversations. At that very moment this extremely special woman said something that would shatter my belief like a glass breaking into a million pieces.

“You are so cute when you just speak what you are thinking.” - meaning when I communicate using my heart. Amazingly enough, she was picking up on my deepest darkest thoughts. I was extremely confused, my heart feeling, my brain acknowledging, my pickup artist mindset filtering and my desire levels going through the roof. During that talk we both managed to communicate attraction to one another and a desire to seperate things. Now, if you know me, if you have met me in the past, you will most likely be scratching the back of your head going “what the heck..?!?!” - and that is what intrigues me; I am utterly attracted and in some way we have managed to establish a frame where it is OK to be attracted… period.

“It is as easy to draw back a stone, thrown with force from the hand, as to recall a word once spoken.” - Menander

I remembered the words of Menander and decided not to act on my level of physical attraction as my consciousness took over for yet another second: “You can go do what you have always done, or you can trust this woman with your life and share your biggest fears and highest hopes while letting her heart inspire you to grow your own.” My insides were, and are, revolting. I understand the background and limitiations of the PUA paradigm because I am experiencing deep attraction and flat out emotional surrender at the same time. I hope for your sake that you will allow yourself to feel equally confused and calm at the same time. It’s breath-taking, I can tell you that much.

This whole experince reminds me of a friend of mine that recently suggested me to take on celibacy. As he did, I frowned… And now, I actually understand the intent behind his suggestion. I know that, amongst many other things, he knew that the man / woman friendship paradigm of the pickup artist is one of many that has prevented me to see people clearly.

I have no idea where the journey with this woman will take me, or us. However, I do know that I will follow my heart completely and do or say whatever comes naturally.I have always made a point of letting people know when they are attractive to me - now I will make an even bigger point of being completely open to truly communicate using my heart.

Confused? Welcome to my world. What are your thoughts about cross-gender relationships?