Powerful Connections

The first thing you will want to do when entering into a long-term relationship is to establish what is - and what is NOT - OK in that relationship. I’ll get back to this in a minute. For now feel free to try on a philosophy of mine for size:

A relationship doesn’t just happen - It happens as a result of the desires of two people to be in a relationship with another individual with whom they share a common understanding of the world at one or several levels. 

Maintain your individuality

About a year ago I got a call from a client that wanted a piece of advice on how to handle a situation with a girl he had met and found suited to be his long-term partner. I had known the guy for quite some time and I know him to be a very skilled pickup artist. He had been dating this girl for a bit of time now and things were going sour between them. Actually, it had turned into a real mess, and the harder he had tried to conform to what he believed were her standards for a relationship the worse it got for them. 

I quickly reminded him that when they attracted each other they were two seperate individuals, each with several good things going for them in their separate lives (see “Building LTR’s as a PUA: Part I” for more info on this). After talking it through I asked him: “Which of the values, qualities and actions that you brought into the relationship are you actively putting out there today?” He quickly came to the conclusion that neither of them were actively doing any of the things that had initially attracted the other part. 

Framing the dos and don’ts

After talking some more with my client on how he could actively help himself and thereby the relationship in moving forward I reminded him of something that I have learned and applied in all relationships I have entered over the course of the last 8 years. This concept is one that has later become one of the keys to our Powerful Attraction Model used when coaching our clients to achieve a routine-free, natural and outright honest seduction style. What I am talking about is how to convert from gaming to relating using one of the simplest techniques in the book: Being honest about who you are and what you expect of other people.

Now, I could be all theoretical about this subject, … However, I’d like to show you what I mean by telling you about what I have done as I entered into the last few relationships. Maybe that will give you an idea of how strongly I feel about it, and it will most certainly be something that you can put in your “playbook” as 120 % field-tested with great results! But, beware - this strategy demands you to live up to your promises with a daily effort and is highly controversial compared to external pressure from the expectations of family, friends, in-laws and what-not.

Make it a day to remember

Once I decide it is time to convert a casual relationship into a long one, I’ll invite the girl for a date somewhere that neither of us have ever been before and preferrably as with all the other initial dates in a setting that puts you both under a constructive pressure. I took my last girlfriend out golfing on the “crucial” date, knowing fully that we were both absolute novices at golfing - this way we would both suck and have a laugh at the same time. Other guys I know have taken their girls sky-diving, others still have gone to a chess club, and one guy I know signed his girl up for a poker tournament, … The whole point is to do something out of the ordinary, to make this day one that is remembered as a very special experience where you got to know each other in a totally different way in a highly unusual setting.

To this day, whenever a relationship of mine has ended I have not once experienced that the break-up did not entail a reference from her side to that first memorable date and how we somewhere along the way strayed from that path. And on the positive note, in every relationship the premises agreed on that first “relationship date” have served as amazingly powerful guidelines when building the respective LTR’s.

Planning ahead

Your sole purpose of the date (other than just having a good time) is to come to an agreement about what is OK in a relationship and what is not. Remember, the death of an LTR starts to set in as you gradually stop doing the things that got her attracted to you in the first place.. Before that happens, you start to compromise - and this first “framework” date is an important tool for the both of you in terms of avoiding a slow but certain demise.

Granted, we all change and develop as we move through life and in doing so we apply pressure on the frames of the relationship. I’ll write more about how to handle that in one of the fourthcoming chapters. For now, let me stick to sharing the concepts you will want to address on your date.

In entering the relationship, I have one key structure running through the back of my head: “Equality above all else. Love is contributing without expecting anything in return.”

In general I have had the best success in pre-framing the conversation by letting the girl know about the concept of attraction (we’re individuals with seperate lives, and if we give that up completely, attraction will fade). You don’t have to do the same. However, once she accepts this frame, you can bring up anything that comes to mind using the pre-frame as your cover for doing so.

Recommended topics to cover

You will want to explain what you expect in terms of individual freedom - and of course, what you offer in return. You must state that friends and being social in general is key in your life, and you expect it to continue to be so. Tell her which activities she is doing that you find attractive and that you don’t expect her to stop doing them just because you may or may not be her boyfriend down the line.

Notice the last sentense… Do NOT bring up the “We are a couple” speech until the END of the conversation - unless you can both agree to the next few things. 

As a pickup artist that thrives in social settings and enjoys female companionship you will most definitely also want to bring up what she can expect from you when you go out. Many of us - no matter if we are men or women - have a tendency to think that once we are in a relationship we own the other party socially. In dealing with this key element up-front you effectively get the other party to accept that he or she does not own you, at all! I remember a time when I was a bartender in my spare time. I started a LTR with a hot girl working at a bar next door to where I was at, … We had no problems understanding each other in this aspect.

On that note, ALWAYS establish what the infidelity limits are. Up-front. Be playful about it, use metaphors or stories about friends of friends if you want to probe her mind before going all-in. An ex-girlfriend of mine drew the line at kissing, another at blowjobs, and yet another at intercourse. I met one that drew the line at deep conversations, too… but that didn’t carry too well in my model of the world. Too many times have I encountered guys that look like SHIT because their girl at home is accusing them of being a cheating bastard (with no justification what so ever) - defining “cheating” up front in very specific terms will help you avoid situations like that. Remember - accept that she has the same rights as you do, or more. 

Those are just some of the key things that you will want to be talking about. I know that you have several other stuff on your individual list - and the person in the seat next to you does as well. Remember to listen and acknowledge their values as you move along. The crucial thing is that you DO talk about what you value in a relationship and expect from her as a partner… Before things heat up or start to wither and die.

Stay tuned for more articles on building LTR’s and please feel free to comment with your views.

”What kind of day will I choose this day to be?” I remember this question, and I know that you will understand why I bring it up at this time. My belief is that you have a choice every day as you open your eyes for the first time that day. Each person in this world is his or her own reality, right?

I remember back in December when I was about to go on Christmas holiday. I was looking on my calendar for January, and to my great disappointment I realized that I had no customers lined up. Imagine that – no customers, no value to add anywhere, no money. 3 days before the year closes, and nothing signed for the months to come. Imagine if you were in my shoes… How would you feel and – more importantly -what would you do?

On the brink of giving up, standing at the edge of the cliff with the gun to my head, I got the call: A customer asked me to come back for January and onwards. All of the sudden, my frustration turned to justification. With just ONE call – everything turned around inside of me.

Ten minutes later I got a call from another customer, and now I was emphatic!!

One call was all I needed to remember how much value is in my life – and now, every time I start doubting my skills or ability to provide value in the lives of other people I simply turn back to remember the day I got that call, and the calls after that call.

Of course, the call in and of itself was without meaning compared to the fact that I choose what to make of each day as I wake up. What really awakened me was when I was talking with a friend of mine about him recently losing his job. How does one move on from that? I mean, it’s not like the job opportunities are plentiful in this global over-consumption crisis we find ourselves in. At one point, when I sensed that his frustration was on maximum level, I asked him: “So, … What are you fighting for?”

My friend paused and thought through the question for some time. ”Well,” he said ”I guess I am fighting for my pride. I fight to prove that I can triumph in the face of adversity. I fight to know that as long as I fight I have a place in the world. I fight because – If I don’t fight, my family will suffer. If I don’t fight, all my previous fighting will have no value to the world.”

The 300 Spartans

His reply echoed deep inside of me and reminded me of what I too am fighting for. And that’s when I came to think about the story of King Leonidas of Sparta and his famous 300.

In 480 B.C. the Persian empire ruled most of the known world and they were expanding their campaign to include the Greek city states. Sparta, a Greek city state famed for their ability to produce the finest warriors in the world, was one of those states.

Upon learning that a massive Persian army counting 10’s of thousands of soldiers was about to invade Greece, the Spartan king Leonidas consulted with an oracle that told him: ”Either Sparta will fall or their King will die.”

Raised in the ways of the warrior Leonidas chose the latter and assembled 300 of his finest soldiers to face the Persians at a mountain pass called Thermopylae - the ”Hot Gates.” 300 of the finest warriors, all trained from birth to master the skill of fighting as one single homogenous unit, against a massive army more than one hundred times stronger in numbers. All they had going for them was the support of a few allies from other cities and a mountain pass that would allow them a tactical avantage; their enemy could only attack them in smaller numbers in each wave.

Above all, what really made the Spartans superior fighters was their ability to trust that the soldier next to him knew exactly what to do in times of heated battle and that every one would make a a strong link in the chain. Every last soldier had superb skill and attitude.

Imagine if you were part of a group of warriors like that every day, … your family, your team, or maybe even your company as a whole – if you are, you know how awesome it feels to be winning against all odds.

Unfortunately for Leonidas and his troops, a traitor led the Persians around the pass and on the third day of the battle, the Spartans faced the full force of their enemy, including the feared ”Immortals,” a 10.000 strong unit of Persian elite troops.

Still, the Spartans fought with every breath, and eventually eradicated the ”Immortals,” holding back the Persian army long enough for the Greek allies to escape and give word to the rest of the Greek states.

It is said that Xerxes, the ruler of Persia, now tedious from the battle, offered Leonidas all the riches in the world and a title as Persia’s most powerful General if he would but surrender. Leonidas, now only with 50 or so men left, refused a surrender. He would rather die as his oracle had foreseen he would, so that his 300 brave had not fought in vain. And so, after killing off the remaining 50 men, Xerxes had the body of Leonidas beheaded.

However, the prophecy of the Orcle would come true. Through the brave acts of the 300 Spartans, the Greek cities would find inspiration to unite under Spartan rule on the battlefield and succeeded in fighting back Xerxes and his armies, liberating many of their kind from Persian rule in the years to come.

I can’t help but wonder what Leonidas was thinking as he went into battle. He knew that he was fighting for his people. He was fighting for everything he held dear back home. He knew that if he didn’t fight, his culture, and everything he valued in it, would fall. He knew, and every one of his 300 men knew. They chose to believe in their training and their desired outcome and lost many of their friends – even so, they kept going. They knew they were fighting for something greater than their existance.

If you are in a tough spot it is my hope that you remember that few can beat many. I hope that you too believe that you are fighting for a reason. I hope that the person sitting next to you is one you can trust with your life. And above all, I wish for you that you will remember what it is that you are fighting for – every day as you get out of bed.

Listen to your heart

Back to my friend from earlier… As we kept talking for a while and my friend said something very wise; something that I keep thinking about every day.

He said: ”You know, sitting here, knowing that I have to write more than 500 job applications just to be somewhat close to getting a new job, I wish I had realized what I was fighting for before it was too late to avoid this situation. But still, now that I know what I’m fighting for, I am happy! When you overcome adversity, you will know that you are growing stronger.”

I’m curious about what you are going to fight for and how you will choose to believe you can win, even when the times are darker than you had ever feared.

What’s it gonna be? 

Some time ago I was out with Martin. His energy-level goes through the roof, his eyes sparkle like those of a little kid that has just gotten his first bike. I wouldn’t say that Martin’s behavior could be sorted in the Dominant Alpha category but it’s close.

As for our approach to being social Martin and I are pretty different. I am much more low-key and leaned back, where he is actively approaching with a high energy - I feel the base of our mindset is the same though, which is probably why I enjoy being out with him: We’re both fun-loving and all smiles and good energy - one of my favorite things to do with Martin to draw attention to us without approaching by playing hacky-sack near the dance-floor. With an imaginary hacky-sack of course… And this day was no different.

We enter the first place, and our heads are bopping to the beats, hands in the air, jolly attitude. Drinks at the bar and we keep dancing around as goofy little chipmonks. Some girls we met outside the place provide a bit of social proof. We do a quick assessment of the venue and become aware that we are drawing massive approach invitations from several sections of the room.

Martin is everywhere - I just relax and hang back and stick to casually chatting up people outside, … which is where the guests go to smoke cigarettes.

We hang out for some time and notice that the crowd is thinning out. I feel like dancing rather than picking up women so we go to a night club. Martin has gotten a bit drunk and I am feeling completely sober. That’s kind of funny since I order beer and water every time I’m at the bar and the water is not for me…

It’s a great club with several bars, a major dance-floor, several lounge sections and a vast variety of beautiful girls. During the next hour we approach and engage several women and share many great learning experiences before drifting apart each to his own.

It’s getting late and I decide to head to one of the bars and relax and get some deeper action going. I spot a group of 6 girls that represent an opportunity and gesture to them to move apart so I can get to the bar counter and order something. As I wait for the bartender I have ample time to assess what is going on and I find myself amused by the fact that two of the girls are evaluating which guys they want their pretty dark-haired friend, standing to my left, to take home with her. 2 guys to my right are completely unaware of the situation, not grasping that they are being measured an weighed: “He looks cute. I like his clothes. Did you see his smile? Perfect height for her…” and so on.

Girls… talk about objectifying people…

I casually lean back against the bar and gaze towards the dance-floor, waiting for the opportune moment, observing the dark-haired girl with my peripheral vision. I match posture, gestures and breathing, that’s it.

I know the girls have already measured me - my clothing style is not in their tastes, my appearance, my energy, my smile is intentionally switched off. At one point they raise their glasses to say cheers right in front of me and we completely - and consciously - ignore each other’s existence. They have stamped me as a “social loser,” which, for some odd reason, is exactly what I want. I sense a de-ja-vu popping up in my head, … I want to choose, not to be chosen, and especially not by a girl’s friends! The dark-haired girl gives me an approach invitation by saying cheers to me a few seconds out of sync with saying cheers to her friends. I smile, lift my beer, drink, turn away. “Not yet. Stay cool,” are the sentenses running through my head as I keep my focus on the people dancing.

Her friends are suggesting that the girl with the dark hair makes a move on one of the guys to my right. She frowns, then re-checks if the suggested guy will do, a short smile, and then another frown as if to say “come on girls, you know my standards are higher than that.” For a split-second, just one tiny fraction of a moment, her eyes start to search for my reaction to something, anything. It’s the second time she does that and in my experience that’s the perfect time to make the move.

Her head turns away and I instantly tap her on the shoulder: “You guys are funny… just sizing people up in a split-second without paying attention to what’s really important. How did you choose that he is not attractive to you?”

“Well…” she replies and stops to smile. I follow through: “Do you always have your friends select what guys you should go talk with, or is this just a very special day?”

We talk casually about how superficial the nightlife can get and she makes a comment that I seem nice as she leans in a lot. I keep my posture and smile. She smiles repeatedly, there is no doubt in my mind that the attraction level is pretty high and she now asks me what my name is. I decide I want to find out if she’s a cool person and begin qualifying her.

“I’ll tell you in a second! You know, you seem like a very nice and hiiiighly independant girl, … which is something that really catches my attention. Who are you?”

The girl responds by opening up her body language even more, and tells me her name, age and what she does for a living. “Great, so now I know your specifications, … but, what I really asked was not WHAT you are, but WHO you are, … so, WHO are you?” Her smile turns into something else as she goes inside for a second. She asks what I mean by that and I tell her that I want to know the person behind the outer shell. Knowing what she does for a living doesn’t really say all that much about what she enjoys in life. She catches on and starts talking about what she does in her spare time, and then she asks me who I am. 

“I like to do this and that, get up in the morning vs. getting home in the afternoon, and I’m no pro at it but I love to dance.” Finishing on that note is not random - I want to get her away from her friends - and she picks up on it. “We are going dancing later,” she says. I smile and draw her in by pulling her lower arm towards me. “Sure, I’d love to. As soon as I’ve finished my beer.”

Less than 60 seconds pass by and she tells me to come with her, before taking my hand and heading towards the dance-floor. She’s persistant. I bring my beer. Dancing quickly turns into talking and just holding intense eye-contact and arms around the waist. Neither of us are interested in the music. The situation escalates to the point just before the kiss, and then I break it off and drag her back to the bar. I love to build suspense, and I want to know more about her before deciding what to do. 

I give her a hug and tell her I need to attend to my friend and she tells me not to leave the place without coming back… Well, actually she is commanding me to stay, and I promise to come back.

I give it 10 minutes and then head back to the group. She is talking to one of the guys that her friends had qualified so I decide to ignore her and open one of her friends with some casual and fun-loving conversation. The friend is quick to screen me with “what do you do for a living?” and I casually respond that I love my job and we talk fluff. It’s a nice and cool conversation - and after very short time she starts to show signals of attraction. The girl from before is looking towards me now and then, and I smile at her for a second before continuing the talk with her friend. 

The guy she is talking with is turning up the heat, and I decide to distance myself just a little bit from the girl I am with - and my dark-haired friend picks up the glove. She walks over and I greet her with a hug, our eyes lock in. “You’re a great guy, you’re coming back to our place tonight.” I take her hand and smile and after playing hard to get for a second or thirty I tell her that I think she’s “nice, … and that means .. yeah… sure. But we need to sleep.” 

The place is closing now. I am still getting a bit of resistance from one of the friends, so I give her some attention as we’re heading outside. I grab my girl around the waist and let go once we’re in the street. As the girls are trying to get a cab to stop, the most resistant friend now cracks… “Come on… we can fit 4 in a taxi, you’re coming with us.”

We get back to their place, I stop the girl on the stairs and we make out.

Now all the sudden my conscience comes into play. For one thing, I’m pretty close to being 100 % clear in the head and it’s absolutely obvious to me that she is not. We get to bed and everything is buzzing inside my head. “Is this really who I am? Is this how I want to show up for other people? How will I feel tomorrow if I go through with this? What if I don’t go through with this?”

I feel really tempted to just give in, … and then I make a choice to NOT follow through. She tries repeatedly and I break off the kiss, then she stops. Once more, she goes in for the kiss, I break it off, she stops. With a soft smile I tell her everything is OK and that she needs to sleep and then I tuck her in. I’m not sure who sleeps first. 

Maybe I’ve gone soft, maybe I just lost my killer gene, … in the situation, I didn’t know how I chose not to give in to the temptation of having casual sex with a woman that wanted nothing else from me.

I looked at her in the morning and smiled as I got dressed to leave. She said she was sorry that she got so drunk and that nothing happened, … as if it was her fault, a lot of stuff was not going right in her life. That’s when it hit me with a flash - I realized what had kept me from escalating the situation as we got into bed.

“It’s ok,” I said. “Everything is cool, … you’re a great person.”

Had I written this post 6 years ago, I would have been cursing myself with every word. However, as I walked home, I felt great in knowing that I am no longer a pickup artist. I am much more than that. I am a free man.