Powerful Connections

One of the key observations made about my style as a pickup artist (PUA), or my PUA tactics if you will, when it comes to approaching women is that I do not approach very often. In fact, when I was made aware of this observation, I realized that I hardly ever approach at all. On the contrary: I have a huge tendency to run proximity game strategies.

“Proximity-gobbledygook-dedoo??” you might choose to say here.

What is “Proximity game?”

Proximity game is a term used when you only game those that are in your immediate proximity, once you have established a stronghold, a camp, a base somewhere - I.E. at a bar, club or café. “Well, isn’t that what we normally do Anders?” 

Proximity game vs. Regular game characteristics

Yes. We have conversations with people that are in our immediate vicinity. Obviously, doh… One key difference with proximity game is that you do not seek out the conversation until the other parties have positioned themselves close to you. Another key differentiator between proximity game and regular PUA gung-ho approaching is that in having established your base and thereby territorial marking, your starting hand just grew in strength. As people are moving onto your territory (as opposed to the other style where you’re moving onto the turf of others), they effectively open themselves up to submitting to your rules.

In a regular PUA approach there are several dos and don’ts to allow for one to manipulate with the illusion of the power of territorial marking. We have social pressure tactics, we effectively search for opportunities to introduce break-states to allow us to lock-in, we work with shock and awe tactics and lots more. When running proximity game however, we basically have no need to do any of these things - we simply rely on the concept of social code of conduct that is derived from our basic instinct to respect territorial markings. At worst you will have to open once - once only. The rest of the time, you will merely be communicating rules of engagement inside your territory, under the established illusion that they are opening you.

Also, when used to full effect, proximity game plans become tools to generate lots of latent opportunities for later use. People enter our proximity, have a great conversatin, leave to join up with other people and smile at you once you decide to get on your feet and short-set for visible social proof or whatever it is you decide to do. 

How a proximity gamer works

Basically, all a proximity game plan looks like is the following:

1. Go to a place with mixed logistical possibilities, I.E. dance-floors with lounge area next to them, bars with separate smoking areas, anywhere with a lounge area is great.
2. Head towards the lounge area. (Or, the bar… I love doing this at the bar - but that’s a variant that deserves a separate description)
3. Short-setting and all other approaching in general is optional. I repeat: You do NOT need to open ANYONE as you head for the lounge area. It is optional, and the intent should you choose to open, is to get the person(s) to sit down in the lounge area with you.
4. Once at the lounge area, pick a great spot for yourself. Standard, regular old-school pickup-rules apply here: Preferred seation options are to sit in a position that allows you to overlook the bar, entrance, dance-floor and toilet entrances - or as many of these options as possible. If only one of these options is possible from any given position, I prefer having an overview of what’s going on at the bar - unless it’s a venue with sound that encourages girls to get freaky on the dance-floor… At any given lounge area you will easily find places to sit. If it’s packed, just ask someone to move over a seat so you can sit down and get your breath for 2 minutes. Notice, that’s not an opener in and of itself. It is however, a way of respecting other people’s intimate sphere. OK ok, there’s a time-constraint in there. Call me sneaky then!
5. Don’t sit around looking like a loser, use your one (1) opener with the guy or girl sitting next to you. Be cool, casual, non-pickup like. You know, be the cool you.
6. Whenever someone comes up to your area of the lounge and asks “is this seat available” or “may we sit here” (respecting territorial markings) or whatever along those lines, say “sure” and clearly state the rules of your territory. “Sure, you’re more than welcome to sit here, and I’d appreciate that you respect that at this table we have decided that we only want to sit with sociable people.So, when you decide to sit down, you need to know that it is the law that everyone has the obligation to get to know everyone else at the table.” In this sample wording, I am not being a jerk in setting up the frame. I am merely stating the law in a polite manner. If they sit down you are perfectly right in your next action - which is to start conversation. In sitting down, THEY opened up to that course of action. The “how to say” of this is: Smile and use a firm tone of voice.
7. If they sit down and decline to talk, simply flip the script on them and apply social pressure tactics. Call them out for being rude and impolite. Invite others at the table to share their oppinion on people that go against their word - and against the rules of the table. Oh, and use smiling consciously here, otherwise you might get a smack across the face. That being said, I have asked several people to leave “my” table as I am reserving the seats for friends or people that are actually out because they care about meeting interesting people. It’s all about frame control. I have yet to fail in getting a conversation going or getting the newcomers to leave again; I don’t care about being harsh to people that do not respect “the rules.”
8. Make sure to reward people for respecting “the rules” - comment on the cool part about their decision by telling them that you value them for being open-minded, sociable people that are apparently here for the same reasons as you are: To meet new people and have fun. You can even go as far as talking about the last people you had to “throw off the reservation,” to underline your point (the rules). Remember: Don’t be a dickhead, be cool and casual about it. 
9. Normal, laid-back gaming style. Focus on building rapport, apply touch (KINO), multi-task between conversational partners and escalate when ready - or break rapport and switch conversation partner if you run out of creativity. You switch partners and break rapport to let them know the conversation is over for now and eventually they will leave (remember to thank them for a great time as they leave) - But, the conversation never ran out, and you can always search them out sometime later in the evening.   
10. Other people walk up to your area, and you repeat the process. 

Basically, the only time I bother to get up from my seat is when I need to go to tend to the private stuff, to refill my glass at the bar or to re-open the girl I found most interesting. But hey, that’s just me. 

Imagine how many places you can get this strategy to work towards your benefit.

If you choose to be a pickup artist, do you then have to also choose not to be in long-term relationships? Granted, many guys enter the seduction community to improve their odds with women; to get laid more or to meet and get laid with more beautiful women. But what happens after a few years when you’ve met THE beautiful woman and you decide it’s time to give the long-term relationship a go?

Most of the guys I’ve met along the way in my endeavors on the path of the PUA, especially those that memorize routines instead of integrating the philosophies behind the lifestyle, find themselves in a tough spot. I have seen sooo many guys that have perfected their approach to picking up women, only to find themselves torn to pieces as they realize that the one they have decided to build a long and lasting relationship with finds them boring after only a short period of exclusivity.

Instead of experiencing the rush, we go into a downward spiral and start rebuilding self-worth and self-confidence from scratch. We go back into the path of the hardcore pickup artist and redeem ourselves through yet another set of external validation, just as we did when we had our first PUA success experiences. Then, we start justifying why we do not open up to other people. After all, the last time we did it, we got hurt.

It’s a bit like when your best friend’s favorite musician comes to town and they open the ticket sales, … You want to give your friend a magnificent present, and you know a lot of people are itching to get the tickets, so you go to the outlet one or maybe even two nights before ticket sales open, and then you wait. You wait some more and you start moving ahead in the queue. Finally you get there, and you buy your tickets.  You feel awesome inside as you head back home to tell your friend the great news: “I got tickets for the two of us!” – Over the course of a month everyone is looking forward to the concert. You might even go out shopping for the perfect outfit and pimp it up with some cool accessories… waiting… feeling great… imagining how it will be… and then, the night before the concert, the press release hits the street: “Star admitted to rehab clinic for two weeks.”

All the time and energy you spent preparing for the concert could be considered a waste now, couldn’t it? Of course, your friend will still give you credit for making the effort… Bonus points there!

Why is relationship building hard?

As we enter relationships, the women will consistently put our limits to a test. It’s a common misunderstanding that a woman will seek to get us to settle down by demanding we spend more time at home. In reality this behavior is an invitation for us to show that we are indeed MEN. The woman seeks confirmation that we are able to provide for her, and we need to prove this through masculine behavior. So, in fact, we need to do the opposite of what we would normally think we should. Confused?

In doing the illogical, we are doing things that might be completely opposite to the things we learned through our upbringing when we were kids. But, that’s completely OK – after all, nothing is logical in long-term relationships, at least not until you understand the premise of how these are established and function.

As you met your girlfriend you were both able to push each other’s buttons and capture the interest of the other person. In your minds you were both single and you had a lot of things going on in your separate lives that would generate attraction from one to the other and back. Sadly, many of us let go of the things that increases our value as a partner, justifying this through the “I need to be different now because I am in a committed relationship.” Oddly enough this extends not only to our social behavior but, for some, also to our ability to groom ourselves.

I recognize this from some of my previous relationships. At one time I gained 20 pounds in less than a year. I’d prioritize the girlfriend above my social circle. Cooking dinner would take priority over doing sports. With every relationship I have been in along the way I have become consciously aware of how these choices impacted me, my girlfriend and our relationship. Let me tell you from the bottom of my heart and back of my head: If you find yourself onboard an airplane and the air-pressure drops, … you will want to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. If you can’t breathe, the person next to you can only use you as a meat-shield when the plane hits the ground.

If you are in a relationship, or entering one, or considering strategies for entering one, let me give you a quick piece of advice so that you can be able to continue building attraction with your woman:

A heated relationship is greatly preferred to a dead one! Do not seek compromise to preserve peace in your relationship. Maintaining the peace in a relationship is an illusion that, if you choose to live it, will strangle your relationship in the long run. It sounds so easy, I know. The irony of it is that we will find ourselves in a relationship soon enough and all is well… all the sudden the routines kick in, your sex-life evaporates, arguments escalate – and yet, … we still seek compromise. After all, if she shuts up, we can retreat to our “cave” and still keep up our appearances on the outside. Well that’s just wrong if you ask me. If you are in that situation now, I extend my deepest sympathy to you.

No matter if you are in a relationship, or entering one, or considering strategies for entering one, here is the first mindset you must understand and apply: Have your bags packed and be ready to leave the relationships at all times! Then, and only then, you will be able to live in a thriving relationship. Prepare for a shit-storm of arguments as you reclaim your masculinity; to most people, quitting an addictive drug is far from easy. But it’s well worth your while once you kick the habit!

Please feel free to comment on this article before moving on to “Building Relationships (LTR’s) as a PUA: Part II”